Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

Brace yourselves, because this doesn’t happen often. I am about to defend something in China.

In recent days, a Chinese seller of Chinese sex dolls in China has been persecuted by some angst-ridden fucktards whose parents obviously never taught them to mind their own fucking business, and those dolls are no longer for sale.

The hate-mongering wanksocks who orchestrated the anti-free market and anti-consumer choice campaign against this purveyor of marital aids were, of course, American. From New Jersey, no less. Fuck, I can feel the bile rising in my throat already. The founder of the anti-freedom organisation responsible, one Kelly Master, is someone I have fortunately never had the misfortune to meet, and I’ve been bruising my knees praying to a fictitious God that I never do. That said, she is no doubt the kind of dried-up minge who thinks Emily Brontë is far too racy for young girls to be exposed to. She no doubt firmly supports a complete ban on the eating of bananas, on account of how sexually suggestive that can be. She obviously has cobwebs in her cooch, too.

I mean, seriously? It’s a sex doll. It’s not like it’s going to run about the world telling everyone else how they should live and drop bombs on some poor fucking village from a Predator drone, or force people into ‘stress positions’ until they confess to believing in the wrong imaginary God or whatever. It’s. Just. A. Sex. Doll. Get a fucking life already Kelly. It’s less real than my right hand. It’s the same real as a coffee cup. A coffee cup doesn’t make most folks turn to pedophilia, not even the ones filled with Starbucks coffee.

Here’s what the doll looks like:

As you can observe, it has the same expression that every middle-aged Chinese woman has. It has the same body shape too. Same hairstyle, same lifeless eyes, same fashion sense. Obviously, it is a recreation in plastic and latex of a middle-aged Chinese woman.

I haven’t the faintest fucking idea why anyone would want to buy one of these things. It’ll be no better to have sex with than any other Chinese woman, though to be fair it is unlikely to be any worse, either. But thanks to you, Kelly Master, you moistureless, wizened skank, thanks to you I am going to buy one of these dolls. I am going to install it permanently in the passenger seat of the Aston. And I shall put up a little sign next to it, that reads:

“At Least This Bitch Knows How To Mind Her Own Fucking Business”.

Have a nice day folks. I’ve got people to fire.