Breaking Story: Chinese Ministry of Seasons Declares it’s Still Winter

Despite temperatures as high as 76°F (24°C) last week, the Ministry of Seasons has indeed declared that the season continues to be winter. Locals across Shanghai are sighing, as they don their double and triple layers and thick coats & jackets once again for yet another week. Xue Shangdi, Vice Minister cites reliable sources for this decision, but refused to go into details.

Anonymous sources from the MoS, however, cite foreign influence in this decision, naming a relatively unknown entity only known as Philip of Punxsutawney. Philip seems to have ties with an underground movement in Pennsylvania, but up until this revelation, it was unknown what his affiliations were.

“It’s obvious now. Phil is indeed a communist.” says a Punxsutawney native. “He was always such a delightful chap, too.”

This revelation has also caused a stir among overseas Chinese as well. “We love our country! We really do!” says Yang Mei Mei, an overseas student. “But seriously! We’re in Melbourne! It’s like 35° here! Do we really have to wear sweaters?!”

“YES” says the Ministry of Seasons. Citing national patriotism and a need to remain in control, it was suggested that ALL Chinese must continue to stand as one and adopt the “It’s winter! You NEED layers!” policy.

On an unrelated note, the Minstry of Time continues to disavow any knowledge of Time Zones.

– SinoPenn

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Toothpaste for Dinner

Now that the weather is warming up, garbage is beginning to rot once more in alleyways and on footpaths all across the Land, and the streets are again becoming open latrines for the vast, sweating mass of the People. As a result of this, we are about to witness the annual return of one of God’s more abominable creations: the fly. I hate flies, really I do. And mosquitoes, I absolutely detest mosquitoes.

Which is why every year around this time I invest in a new Jamboy.

The Jam Boy was first introduced as early as the 1800s when the British Empire occupied India. When the British gentry went to play golf, they would have two men, the caddy and a Jam Boy.

The Jam Boys sole purpose was to keep the mosquitoes away from the golfer. To do this, the Jam Boy would cover himself in Jam to attract the mosquitoes away from the players. When the game was over the Jam Boy got to keep the jam he was wearing to take home to his family.

The Jamboy is a simple enough concept, and one which has proven to be both cost-effective and highly efficient. I honestly do appreciate my Jamboy more than words can ever express, and I heartily recommend you make yourself one, too.

First up, you will need to find yourself a suitable boy. Not just any boy will do – he needs to be small enough that he doesn’t block your view of the scenery when you are sitting down enjoying a gin and tonic, he needs to be just undernourished enough that he will stand still without fidgeting, and he needs to be able to keep silent so as not to disturb you, your family, or any guests you may be entertaining. One like this should do nicely:

And let us not forget the jam. The secret to a good jam is to find one that is both sticky and sweet. I prefer strawberry jam, which Mrs Laowai makes herself, because the basic ingredients are so easily obtained (remember to use plenty of pectin!):

The next step is to smear the jam over the boy. It is important to remember not to get any in his eyes, or near his mouth where he might be tempted to eat it. I find that the hair is the best place for it, and I always use a generous amount. We wouldn’t want any flies to escape, would we? Here’s the one I made last year:

Finally, please remember the we foreigners are guests in this country, and as such we should show generosity towards our hosts by allowing the Jamboy to keep any jam that is remaining on his head at the end of the day. It’s only fair.

I hope you enjoy a summer that is fly and mosquito free – I know I will.

What’s more fun than a Wet Pussy?
Why, Spanking Da Booty, that’s what.

Last year saw more Wet Pussy Awards given for services to the Chinese Communist Party than any previous year, and quite frankly every recipient was a deserving winner. But what about those amongst us who have done good? There have been a great many diligent and enlightened citizens of the world who have done a great many good deeds in the service of humanity, and I for one feel that their efforts should not go unrecorded.

Starting with the fine and upstanding young man who lobbed a loafer at Premier Wen Jiabao. I liked that a lot.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not in favour of chopine-chucking in general. Hell, getting into wingtip warfare with China could turn out to be a horrible mistake – not only are most of the world’s shoes made in the Chinese Worker’s Paradise, they are also cheaper and, when worn by Chinese peasants, far stinkier than anything that we in the hygienic West can produce. So, no, I’m not advocating an unrestrained brogue-lobbing frenzy at all.

Nor am I rejoicing that the man known throughout Red China as ‘Grandpa’ Wen (but throughout the rest of the world as a monster) found himself shod by a student. Not that he didn’t deserve far worse – one doesn’t get to be the Premier of a major Communist nation without knowing where a hell of a lot of the bodies are buried. A firing squad I would have cheered at, but a shoe? It seems so inadequate, somehow.

What I am celebrating, though, is what that shoe meant. It was a symbolic slap in the face to the entire Chinese Communist Party, those butchering bastards who have for so long terrorised over two billion people at home and abroad, invaded numerous other countries, and murdered well over a hundred million civilians. It was the first time any of them have ever been publicly called to account, and it was done beautifully.

It was also an ironic reply to the laughter that came from China when the President of the United States of America had an item of footwear thrown at him last year, and I’ve always been a lover of irony.

So, to Martin Jahnke, the brave student who stood up and was counted Hero amongst Heroes, I salute you.

And to Wen Jiabao (and by extension the Chinese Communist Party), I say:

You’ve Had Your Booty Spanked.

A reader writes:

Dear MyLaowai, I Am Dating A Foreigner Guy Who Is Married With A Kid. We Have Been Together Since 8 Of Jan But He Does Not Leave His Wife And Family. How Can I Make Him Divorce Her And Marry Me?

– Wang XiaoJie

MyLaowai responds:

Dear Wang XiaoJie,

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think you have thought this one through. Before you start worrying about how to make him leave his wife and family, there are a number of vitally important questions that you must have answers to. They include such things as:
– How rich is he? Does he have secret bank accounts or property that his wife can’t steal from you?
– What is his nationality? Is his passport one that will help you, or is he from a poor country?
– Will you have to look after his child? It’s no good if you are forced into responsibilities.
– What can this foreigner man do for you? What is your profit in all this?

While you are at it, make sure that you know who this foreigner man really is. You will never be happy with him unless you know what is in his heart, and so you must secretly read his email, text messages, and other correspondence. And what about your family? Can he be forced to accept that your family is more important than he or his family? Will it be possible to make him accept that Chinese Culture is superior to his own?

Finally, a word of warning: Some foreigner men don’t love China, even though they may claim otherwise. How sure are you that this foreigner man will love ‘Grandpa’ Wen and ‘Brother’ Hu Jintao, or that he will accept the truth that most of the world has always been a part of China since ancient times?

Wang XiaoJie, you must also look hard at yourself – you are obviously devious, deceitful, cold hearted, ruthless and mercenary, but even so you must have some faults. No one is perfect, and so you must discover what your faults are, and do everything in your power to hide them at all costs.

I hope that this helps. Good hunting!

I’ve written before about the Chinese sense of humour, and you may have formed the impression that in fact the Chinese have no sense of humour at all. Not so. They do have a sense of humour, it’s just that their ‘jokes’ aren’t very funny – finding it amusing when bad things happen to other people is a typical example. Yet their sense of humour invariably fails when those same bad things happen to them.

Example: for decades it’s been a good joke for China to boycott the Olympic Games every four years, yet when there was talk by other people of doing precisely that last year, there was an overwhelming outpouring of nationalist vitriol.

Example: when an earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused a tsunami that killed nearly a quarter of a million people on December 26, 2004, people in China were laughing in the streets about it (“oh how they deserve it hahahaha“), yet when an earthquake last year caused a few of their own buildings to fall down, they immediately started criticising other nations for not doing enough to help.

Example: most Chinese found it hilarious when the President of the United States of America had a shoe thrown at him by a television reporter last year, yet the reaction to their own ‘Butcher Wen’ having a shoe lobbed at him recently has been one of national uproar.

So when, earlier this week, I detected an increased level of hostility towards foreigners in the streets of the land, I naturally put it down to the fact that the shoe, as it were, was simply on the other foot again. I actually conducted a survey to confirm my suspicions, and it went like this: I will walk in the street for fifteen minutes, and count the number of disparaging remarks about foreigners that are made in my presence. The result? 212 offensive xenophobic comments.

But then it occurred to me that perhaps I wasn’t being fair. Quite possibly there was another, non-humour related explanation… And, as it turned out, there was:

It’s Spring.

Yes folks, that’s right. Spring is upon us, and the People of China are once again finding that their sap is rising, so to speak. It’s only natural, therefore, for them to exhibit a certain exuberance in their dealings with the barbarian outsiders who have dared to tread upon the hallowed soil of ZhongGuo. Spring has come, and with it all manner of changes are in evidence right across the length and breadth of this magnificent country. Oh Spring, harbinger of new life, the People salute you!

Top Ten Signs That Spring Has Sprung:

1. The small, grey, cancerous-looking growths on the branches of the trees are in fact buds, from which will soon burst forth beautiful grey leaves. The wondrous cycle of Nature has begun anew.

2. Puppies and other cute baby animals are now being sold out of cardboard boxes on footpaths everywhere. That’s right: cat is off the menu, but look what’s on again!

3. People have begun dusting off their Jiang Zemin suits and Mao Zedong jackets, in preparation for the coming summer. Clotheslines everywhere are straining under the weight of them all.

4. The number of knee-length boots in evidence has begun to fall. On the other hand, sales of Kleenex and Wonderbra (the breast enlargement technologies of choice amongst the urban chic) have begun to increase again.

5. Housewives are now giving their homes a spring cleaning. This is done by boiling vinegar in every room for several hours, and leaves every home smelling wonderfully refreshing. And don’t worry if you haven’t any vinegar – the aroma penetrates even concrete walls, so that you too can share in your neighbour’s cleanliness.

6. The annual transition from pickled rotting cabbage to boiled rotting cabbage with pickles has begun.

7. Now that the weather is warmer and there is less need for antifreeze, taxi drivers, bus drivers, and in fact all public transportation workers everywhere are waiting until after breakfast to get drunk on Baijiu.

8. With some forty percent of the population having lost their money gambling over Chinese New Year, the usual number of beggars, police officers, and other members of the thieving classes are back to work with a vengeance (the remaining sixty percent never stopped thieving in the first place).

9. With the warmer temperatures comes a need to close windows and prevent air from circulating.

10. The higher temperatures also bring with them that familiar aroma of rotting faecal matter in the streets, all but forgotten since the beginning of Winter. As an added bonus, it’s now warm enough for people to move their toilet activities outdoors.

Spring! When Indoor Activities Move Outdoors!

I have received an email from a reader, which says:

Seen my fair share of brain dead articles about Tibetan history, but when my daily World Tibet Network News e-mail brought this article to my attention, well, it might be the douchebaggiest of dumbass articles on the subject. Therefore, thought you of all people would enjoy it the most: http://www.onlineopinion.com.au/view.asp?article=8439

Now, feel free to read the entire article yourself – I did. If however, you have a functioning brain, and you don’t like reading CCP propaganda, allow me to summarise for you:

Recent commentary in the international media on the pre-Olympics riots in Tibet is typical of most western reporting in this part of the world: surface-level observations which do not do justice to a complex historico-political situation.

First, understand where China is coming from. Without this understanding, western criticism of China’s policy in Tibet will continue to be an exercise in useless self-righteousness.

Furthermore, China’s long history justifies its fear of invasion

If we put aside our moral outrage over Tibet for one moment and consider the scale of China’s current political concerns, surely we should have some sympathy for her geopolitical position.

The West is unaware of the reality of Tibetan society

The uncomfortable truth for us westerners is that Tibetan buddhism in 1950 was a religious/political theocracy which was intolerant of other religions, and which ruled in a manner not dissimilar to autocratic dictatorships elsewhere around the planet. Serfs, slaves, and superstition were a feature of this society as well as the well-known pathway to spiritual enlightenment. It was a cruel, unjust, feudal society.

Tibet has always been politically linked to China. It is also a historical fact that during the last days of the Qing Dynasty, western powers (e.g., Russia and Britain) conspired to acquire Tibet for themselves. Misty-eyed, sentimental westerners should read their history.

China is a proud nation. A nation which remembers the humiliations of the last two centuries, and which is determined never again to allow foreign influence over domestic matters.

Crikey!

So, to summarise the summary:

Here is the Truth for all ignorant Westerners. Disclaimer: I have a Chinese wife, I have a business in China, I need the CCP in ChongQing to award me a new contract, and so I love China. Jiayou etc…

Well, gentle readers, let it never be said that I wasn’t fair and unbiased. On the contrary, MyLaowai has become known far and wide as the very paragon of virtuous writing, with a reputation for justness and balance that is greater than the sky, and the mountains, and the very span of time. Ye, for so mote it be!

And in this spirit of fairness and balance, I hereby invite the apologists, the fenqing, the propagandists, and Wet Pussies everywhere… to a competition. Send me your article on Tibetan history. I shall post it here for my readers, along with an article by me. I promise not to censor your article in any way, although I reserve the right to edit it for grammar and spelling (I do have standards, you see).

Whaddaya say?

Some say that his tendons are hand crafted guitar strings,
and that he thinks in GUIDO Musical Notation…

All we know, is that he isn’t MyLaowai… He is in fact MyLaowai’s Musical Cousin!

Introducing… Meng Laowai!

Meng Laowai writes:
I was playing in a bar in China that night. The audience was very receptive and after the last song they kept asking for more. I said ok, give me a sentence, I’ll sing it for you. People started to shout all kinds of stuff, then a girl approached the stage and with a big smile on her face, she gave me the “diao ni ma le ge bi” thing. A quick look at the band and… one, two, three four, and after a big laugh, the whole bar was singing “diao ni ma le ge bi“. That was it!

I’m about to record another Chinese song, a new version of an old song, should be nice!

Meng

With the Best China Blog Awards 2008 behind us and the New Year in, Chinalyst asked the bloggers behind the blogs who won in the Best China Blog Awards 2008 to tell us a little bit about themselves and their blogs, and they started off with the somewhat controversial blog that won the most votes ( 508 ) and overall best China blog title – MyLaowai.

Read the full interview here.

I’m sitting here, at my custom built computer and sipping my fifth properly dry martini, considering the implications of the current Global Economic Recession. It’s hard for many of us: hardly a day goes by that a major bank doesn’t require a government bailout (China has bailed out each of its’ state-owned banks more than a dozen times each over the last five years, so I know what I’m talking about), companies are dying by the score, and people are seeing their savings evaporate at an alarming rate. I myself have had to actually resort to cooking my own fois gras, and the usual French Sauternes has had to be replaced by an ordinary late harvest white, so I’m quite certain that you understand my own personal pain.

Why, just the other day, I made the tough decision to put off my order for an Aston Martin V8 Vantage Coupe until things eased. It was especially tough because I’d already made the difficult decisions regarding the text on the sill plaques, whether to have fine or coarse stitching on the interior leather-work, and whether or not to have the optional smoker’s pack (well, that one was easy for a man who only smokes Havana’s).

Everywhere I look, I see people in pain. My friends at the club, according to a discrete survey I performed the other night, have reduced the average amount they are prepared to lose to a meager $306 an hour, and a maximum of just $1100 per evening.

Demand for trinkets has plummeted worldwide, and the effect on the entire supply chain has been devastating. I’m not joking when I say that sales in my company have declined nearly seven percent since October!

So, believe me when I say that I am truly heartened by the fact that it is now, in this most troubled of times, that the Chinese Communist Party has bucked the trend… And gone extravagant. Some of you may think I’ve lost my marbles, but I’m serious, and here’s why: When times are tough, as they are now, and both money and resources are in short supply, most people tighten the belt and go back to the basics. They make do with what they have and with what has been proven to work. They generally don’t choose a time like this to invest in pure invention.

Now, I know some of you are reading this and thinking “Hey, I get it, this is where MyLaowai surprises us in an ironical yet humorous way by suggesting that the current ChinaDaily lead story is about how China ‘invented’ all kinds of train technology and didn’t steal it from Alstom, as claimed by everyone else in the world“, or “Hey, I wouldn’t be surprised if MyLaowai brought about a chuckle by mentioning that the Chinese government have made the laughable claim that H5N1 isn’t currently rampaging across Beijing and have even invented a ‘survey’ to prove it.”

If so, you would be quite wrong.

Because it’s all quite serious in this currently depressed climate. The CCP is working hard, and investing a lot of time, money, volts and bullets, to totally invent an entirely new history for the recently occupied country of Tibet, which it has every confidence will be bought lock, stock, and several thousand smoking barrels, by ‘The People’. And here’s why:

Tibet is expected to set a date for the commemoration of emancipation of millions of serfs and slaves 50 years ago after the central government foiled an attempted armed rebellion led by the Dalai Lama and his aristocratic supporters.

The bill set forth by the Standing Committee of the regional people’s congress is aimed at “reminding all the Chinese people, including Tibetans, of the landmark democratic reform initiated 50 years ago”

On March 10, 1959, the Dalai Lama and his supporters in the upper ruling class staged an armed rebellion against the central government with assistance from some western powers.

The People’s Liberation Army swiftly quelled the rebellion and later introduced a democratic reform to overthrew the feudal serfdom and abolished its hierarchic social system characterized by theocracy.

Talk about large ones! And you know what? I reckon they’ll get away with it, too.

Time for another martini.