Someone is going to die of the swine flu in Jinan soon. As with most flu cases, it will be from indirect causes – namely, the next person who rings me in a panic about this goddamn swine flu is going to be slaughtered by yours truly. My God, the only thing more contagious than the flu is the fricking panic it is causing thanks to the media hype [read: CCP propaganda – ML]. N1H1 is a SWINE flu – its is NOT the bird flu, it hasn’t originated from it, they aren’t even distant cousins. They have as much in common as Chinese food has with Italian food.

However, in light of the current panic I have compiled a helpful list of what to do if you are an expat in China.

Flu Prevention

Follow these simple steps ASAP to keep yourself safe:

1) Go to your local supermarket immediately and bring home 3 months supplies of baijiu and noodles. Avoid breathing whilst in the supermarket.

2) Go to your local KTV and pay the usual bribes to bring home your KTV girl (or boy) of choice.

3) Lock all the doors and windows, switch off your phone and don’t leave your home. Use the supplied entertainment package from step 2.

Flu Cure

If you should catch the flu, there are only a few options available to you:

* Visit your local family planning clinic and demand a retro-active abortion

* Wave a playboy centrefold at a local policeman with a butcher’s knife clenched between your teeth

* Stop breathing for the 6 weeks it takes for the flu to run its course

* Eat street barbecue and drink baijiu for 7 days straight – nothing can live through that. If you do survive, the poor little flu won’t – although there may be grounds for your associates to appeal to the Royal Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Viruses for your utterly inhumane actions.

– DaBizzare

So, Zhu Jin there at China Radio International, I don’t know from which Lonely Planet you’ve fetched those towns in America, Taiwan, Cyprus, Japan, Italy, and Ukraine, but I can tell you where to go if you want to see some ghost cities in your neighbourhood. Take a look at these top-ten:

1. Beijing: http://www.morningsun.org/living/dying/mao_end.html
2. Changchun: http://www.jaunted.com/city/Changchun
3. Dongguan: http://liveable.dg.gov.cn/life/sports4.htm
4. Xinji: http://www.theworld.org/?q=node/19347
5. Maanshan: http://apps.ah.gov.cn/showcontent.asp?newsid=1428
6. Huangbaiyu: http://www.jetsongreen.com/2008/03/huangbaiyu-toug.html
7. Kowloon Walled City: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kowloon_Walled_City
8. Jinan: http://torchrelay.beijing2008.cn/en/journey/cities/n214036948.shtml
9. Huhehaote: http://image52.webshots.com/52/0/59/24/412505924PXkJQD_fs.jpg
10. Dalian, the ‘Pearl of the Orient’: http://www.runsky.com/homepage/english/pictures/images/00019481.jpg
11. Fengdu: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3084374.stm (Sorry, I’m exceeding the limit.)

And there were twenty more in the pipeline for 2001 alone, if Doje Cering kept his promise.

Why search every low and high,
When spooky things could not be closer by?

– Just Recently

In order for me to present some of my future rants, it is imperative that the reader be fully cognizant of the rigidly defined social strata within The Great Motherland of the Whole World. This is the only truly enlightened system of social order and you should immediately lobby your government to implement these changes within your country, in order that the whole world can gain Great Peace with Chinese Characteristics.

Note that the usual English transliteration of this concept has some minor mistakes in it, just as Gong Fu became Kung Fu and so on. The original Chinese name for this is the Peking Order, and strictly refers to the sequence in which restaurants in the capital serve their customers.

Money and other acceptable bribes taxes flow upwards freely, but never in the downward direction. Influence and control flow downwards freely, and never in an upward direction. It is permissible, in set and strictly defined circumstances, for people to change stratum. Acceptable taxes include cigarettes, expensive foodstuffs, alcohol and imported products.

A simple way to determine someone’s stratum is what I call the bus theory – where they stand in terms of seating on a bus – I love a mangled metaphor or six. Chinese public transport is a phenomenon that is best left un-experienced, unless you are seriously masochistic. Chinese believe in the principle of universal hyperspace, i.e. that every enclosed volume can actually contain more than what the boundaries circumscribe. As each stratum is defined below, their bus status will be defined as well.

Do not think you can tell a person’s stratum by their clothing: the poorest of Chinese peasants will own only one set of clothes, but it will be a suit with leather shoes. Nor can you tell by the level of education they have received: some of the richest and most powerful Chinese I have met have had VERY little formal education, and some of the best educated people are plummeting down through the strata faster than you can say “Open your eyes up and pull your finger out!”

Government
The government stratum is the highest echelon in China and operates above the law. The law is the basis of government, so anyone who works for the government is above the law by definition. Sometimes a Party member commits the mortal sins of either underpaying their bribes tithes Party fees or disobeying what we in the West refer to as the 11th commandment; “Thou shalt not get caught”. In these limited and infrequent cases, the official in question does fall just below the level of the law, effectively by being removed from the government stratum altogether, and thereby allowing the law to apply to them.

The most frequent examples of this are the cars with white number plates and a red first letter completely ignoring (to an even greater extent than the norm) the traffic rules, and wildly blaring their horns and lights to inform anyone impeding their progress that such impediment is an obstacle in the rapid progress of the Great Security Blanket For All Enlightened Souls and no individual should stand in the way of Progress As Defined By Me, Your Party Official.

The less frequent examples of this include slavery, industrial poisoning of comestibles, outrageous wastes of public funding on prostitution-related enterprises and the like. Newspapers feast on the carcasses of such men, proving that the baser elements of society are identical throughout the whole world, which is no surprise because they were also invented by the Chinese.

The government stratum also includes police, army, and managers of state-owned enterprises and public schools. Interestingly it also includes great Heroes of the People, most of whom are duly awarded an honorary governmental position of some sort in order to ratify this status.

People at this level never have to concern themselves with buying alcohol or cigarettes, their desks are laden down heavy every day with gifts from adoring peasants vying for a drop of magic guanxi lotion to rub on their blistered hands.

Their preferred entertainment is similar to that of all stand-over men: select a local establishment that hasn’t paid up lately, run up a huge bill, and walk out, daring them to say anything!

Bus status: These people have a chauffeur driving their government-provided vehicle and force buses to pull over to let them through.

Bosses
Anyone who owns a private business with more than a handful of slaves serfs workers gets some social privileges. This is because they have had to build an extended family of government sponsors (see Students of the Noveau Riche), thereby elevating them in the social order. Having realized this elevation, they throw their weight around at every given opportunity. It is not uncommon to see these men lining up the waitresses in a restaurant and loudly lambasting them for serving their fish 5 degrees cooler than their preferred temperature, or urinating all over a shop because they didn’t get sufficient discount.

Their preferred entertainment is getting ridiculously drunk over an expensive meal and then going to KTV, after singing terribly for an hour or two taking their KTV girl of choice to bed for the night, then going to work the next day to abuse their workers some more.

Bus status: These people drive their own ridiculously expensive car and honk furiously at any bus that dares to slow them down, or just simply overtake them on the wrong side of the road and pretend they have the government plates affixed.

LaoShi
The Chinese word for teacher is LaoShi, and this is also in use as a general honorific for anyone who belongs to a higher stratum than you. In this stratum lie Chinese teachers (not foreign teachers, even though the same designation is used to refer to them to their face. Usually) and the elderly, as well as revered writers and other rip-off artists.

Their life is not too unpleasant, and in order to keep their status they need to be respectable, so the assholiness of the bosses is never found in this stratum. They make good friends, and everyone wants to be their friend. However, like all Chinese, they are still as unorganized as all hell – there’s no getting around that disposition.

Their preferred entertainment is reasonably priced BaiJiu with a conservatively priced dinner, KTV without the girls, then home to their cot to keep the fleas warm and the mosquitoes fed.

Bus status: People will usually give up their seats near the doors for these people IF they are aware of their status, so generally just the elderly get this treatment unless someone on the bus personally knows the LaoShi.

The Liberated People
The great smelly, unwashed masses sit in here and despite their petty insistences that there are numerous levels within (such as farmers being lower than bank clerks), they all effectively have the same status and capabilities when examined from the essential criteria of power, influence and bribery.

Whilst they are fully aware that they are not at the top of the social pyramid, they mainly concentrate on the fact that they are not at the bottom either. They are ALWAYS concerned about face, because a small change in face can mean a change in their stratum. Well, unless they have to queue for anything that is, then they immediately revert to a mongoose-like state; even if it’s for a goddamn free balloon.

Their preferred entertainment is gossiping, cheap BaiJiu and street food. If they want to sing, then caterwauling in the park is free, as is the dancing.

Bus status: Fight for a seat tooth and claw.

Students
Thanks to the government providing seriously subsidized education for students as well as artificially extending the college duration by a year – all designed to keep the population out of the countable workforce so the unemployment rates don’t look too bad – there is a vast abundance of students. [note from editor: and also because most of these punks are too lazy to get a job]

Many are from the middle class, and so like to think of themselves as belonging to higher strata, but in reality they are source of bribe money as they struggle to pass their schooling, and have no choice but to bribe their teachers to actually achieve a pass.

Although I referred to the great unwashed masses in a derogatory manner above, the unfortunate reality for many students is that there is but one shower allocated per thousand students, leaving bath night to be a weekly allocation at best. This results in somewhat fragrant classrooms, and certainly provides added incentive for their bicycling as it gives them a chance for an air bath.

Preferred entertainment is drinking re-capped bargain BaiJiu that closely resembles kerosene and playing cards, as well as that universal student favourite, ‘hiding the sausage in public places because we have no room of our own to go to’. At their age, abortions are free, so you can skip the cost of contraceptives and save that for the kerosene BaiJiu. After a few years they discover the real meaning of infertility rates, and joyously celebrate it with abandon until their late twenties when their parents demand grandchildren, and they duly uncover the massive cost of getting Mr. Sperm introduced to Mrs. Ova.

Bus Status: If they dare to find a seat, an adult will soon set them straight about where they stand. Thus the vast majority can be found riding their bicycles, if riding is the word to describe the drunken, un-coordinated random weaving that so characterizes bicycle riders all over China. These bicycles serve a useful role in the Chinese economy; they provide much-needed jobs for the Chinese thieves and second-hand bike retailers, thereby keeping both of these state-sanctioned employee types out of the ranks of the unemployed.

Livestock
Meat is very important to most Chinese people, and verily they eat not only EVERY part of the animal, but also EVERY animal as well. Livestock have a variety of rights, mainly the right to be caught and consumed at any age. Many forms of livestock are actually PAID by the government – a small yearly salary to be sure, but a payment never-the-less.

Preferred entertainment is crapping in public places provided that the mothers have left some space for this after dangling their ass-naked leaking offspring everywhere that they think someone might otherwise choose to walk.

Bus Status: If you are stupid enough to argue with a pig occupying a seat, or, even more ridiculous, its less intelligent keeper sitting beside it, then you will merely provide a free source of amusement for the rest of the passengers. The keepers know where the first bus stop is, and will walk to there so as to be able to find preferred seating for both them and their charges. Quite frankly, if given a choice, sitting next to the animal is usually the more pleasant experience.

Foreign businessmen
Similar to livestock, they have the right to be cheated, robbed and lied to at every opportunity, as well as provide a marvelous opportunity for extortion. I have carefully placed them below livestock, because livestock don’t have to pay bribes for their basic existence.

The foreign businessman in China is an interesting beast, and is indeed one of the natural wonders of the world. Despite being subject to rampant xenophobic abuse and outrageous extortion, he still retains the insane idea that he will be allowed to make money in China, and some actually manage this despite the hostile environment. The best bet is to be a well-paid employee of a joint venture, so that your management takes all the risks, and you get to live like a king. Actually operating your own business brings its own interesting set of Chinese Characteristics, which should only take about 5 years to master the basics. After 10 years foreign businessmen discover that a foreigner cannot earn guanxi, and they realize that all those expensive dinners, presents and whores haven’t earned them the slightest bit of respect in anyone’s eyes – they then begin to realize a profit.

Preferred entertainment is finding a foreign food restaurant that is too expensive for most Chinese to afford, so they get left in some peace while they eat.

Bus status: Any foreigner businessman stupid enough to get on a bus will automatically be assumed to be a teacher, because only teachers are so poor as to require public transport. See below.

Foreign teachers
If there was such a thing as inedible animals in Chinese cultural thinking, then they would be placed above foreign teachers. A foreign teacher is still subject to paying bribes, but because of their vastly reduced earning potential, the bribes are scaled down accordingly. Forced to beg for their visa’s, subject to constant Mafia-style shakedown police visitations to ensure their cages prisons bugged apartments are suitable for supporting life and contain no luxury items (which would be officially recorded to notify all and sundry that this Laowai can afford a higher standard of bribe now), these poor people occupy the lowest rung on the social ladder in China.

Preferred entertainment is reading www.mylaowai.com and other quality blogs, and chatting up students for free or at least heavily discounted sex.

Bus status: When lucky enough to find a seat, most Chinese will assume the Laowai speaks no Mandarin at all, and so won’t attempt to relocate them, however, they will freely discuss him/her in unsavoury terms quite loudly so as to ensure all the passengers get some value for money by playing ‘Let’s see who can say the most horrible thing about the Laowai without them realizing it‘.

Mind you, this game has some value for the Laowai who CAN speak the language. When a student boards and decides you are a captive audience for them to practice their pitiful oral English, you can reply to them in Chinese, creating a horrified consternation in every passenger as they realize that you have probably understood a good percentage of what they have said, and stoically bore it, as well as piss the student off because they can’t get to practice their oral English for free.

If no such student boards, you can always turn to the most verbal antagonist and ask them (in Chinese) if they know what the time is, while grinning madly and twitching your facial muscles. If you can, froth a little at the mouth too – a crazy man gets given a LOT of personal space – and THAT will instantly shut up the whole bus / railway carriage while they struggle to force their limited minds to find a new topic of conversation.

However, do this near the end of the journey, as otherwise, after a suitable period to gather their thoughts and pick up their shattered face from the floor, you will subsequently be bombarded with questions like: How long have you been in China? Where are you from? Do you like China? Do you like Chinese food? How much money do you make? How many wives do you have right now? Is it true that foreigners can also drive cars? Do foreigners ever take a bath? How do you deal with all that body hair? Are any of your uncles apes? How many times have you had sex today?

– DaBizzare

Chief Officer Meursault’s List of Things Never To Trust in China

(Entry #1 in an ongoing infinite series)

1. Anyone claiming to be collecting for the Sichuan Earthquake Appeal.

2. A person who’s hair has right angles.

3. A 50/50 androgynous student. Always assume the worst.

4. Cloakroom attendants who look after your bag and coat while you go and dance.

5. Taxi Drivers.

6. Any middle aged foreign man or woman who has been teaching full-time in English for more than 12 months.

7. Any foreigner who claims to be a China Expert who has not worked within the porcelain trade for the last 20 years.

8. Specials in restaurants that are priced at figures ending in 88.

9. Chinese who loudly drop English words into their Chinese conversations with other Chinese when a perfectly normal Chinese word would do.

10. Foreigners who loudly drop Chinese words into their English conversations with other foreigners when a perfectly normal English word would do.

11. Anything that costs over 10 yuan.

12. Any declaration or announcement from any Chinese authority that begins with the words “For your safety”.

13. People with more eyebrows than teeth.

14. Shops that only consist of a man in a bomber jacket smoking a cigarette next to a fridge.

15. “5000 years”.

16. Declarations of eternal love from somebody who has just accepted 100 yuan from you for hand relief.

17. Directions from a man who pauses for more than one second.

18. Hairdressers with a hair colour other than black.

19. The Lonely Planet Guide to China.

20. Websites that are not banned in China.

21. Cigarettes in red packets.

22. Un-labeled meat.

23. ISO9001.

24. “This is my first time”.

25. Language partners who claim Mandarin contains no swear words.

26. Your instincts after 13 bottles of Tsingtao.

27. The plumbing.

28. Waidiren.

29. A woman who says “Don’t worry about a condom, I drink so much I doubt I can actually get pregnant. If I could it would definitely have happened by now!”

30. Unsupervised tradesmen or ayi’s.

31. The information plaques in museums.

32. School textbooks.

33. “And now on CCTV, news from our Tibet Correspondent.”

34. A Chinese manufacturer that uses white actors and actresses dubbed in Mandarin for their 15 minute infomercials to imply international levels of quality and global recognition.

35. “Mei wenti”.

36. Boasts of extraordinary achievement from somebody posting anonymously on an expat bulletin board.

37. Anyone recommending a holiday to a Chinese Province that does not possess a coastline.

38. People who don’t drink.

39. Yang Rui, seriously.

40. Claims of sovereignty.

41. Communists.

42. A twenty-something employee with access to your database.

43. The exact time in Xinjiang.

44. “There’s no need to write anything down, we are friends!”

45. Anyone who refers to you as “friend”, and especially anyone who refers to you as “old friend”.

46. Anything with tits and a fanny.

47. The quality of a DVD purchase.

48. Traffic signs, traffic lights, or traffic regulations of any kind.

49. Chinese proverbs that suspiciously back up EXACTLY the point the person was talking about.

50. The Chinese.

Students of the Noveau Riche

In the finest tradition of teasing the bee in my bonnet with a bouquet of yellow roses with their erect stamens pointing firmly towards Beijing, I offer you the poor point of view of a teacher (come on, just say it: “Oh, a fricking Laowai who speaks native English, just pucker your ass-lips into a full-mouthed vowel and you have an instant job mixture) who has to rub shoulders with the offspring of the elite and powerful clique that call themselves the upper middle class of modern enlightened China.

Without wasting a moment to apologize to the editor for the convoluted grammar I am sure he detests despite liberally employing it, allow me to introduce myself. I am a professional writer from an English speaking country, lost in a never-ending yellow haze of BaiJiu soaked days and XiaoJie soaked nights. In order to support my growing requirement for the brain-deadening effect of alcoholic stupors (as required by my witnessing of the below) I have had to resort to teaching these fantastic (in the proper sense – not real) children in return for the toilet-paper that passes as currency in this part of the world. Ok ok, so a sheet of good quality toilet paper is worth more than a RenMinBi, but you get the point. I mean, don’t let it faze you that before I came here I was teaching professional, native speakers business English writing, that would just confuse the issue by demonstrating I actually knew something worth teaching. Not that it, by any means, stops me from having quality conversations with students that go something like this:

Bella: “I finish repeating an English book. Want to improve myself. I am trying to be a wonderful.”

Me: “That’s my girl. Get great English so when we jump into bed together you can understand my requests. Ok, tonight’s vocabulary for better sex is ‘Tickle my balls with a peacock feather.'”

Bella: “Can’t understand.”

Me: “Do you know what a peacock is?”

Bella: “No.”

Me: “So use your dictionary.”

Bella: “My English is rubbish though i read English everyday.”

Me: “Not at all, peacock is hardly a word I would expect to be taught. There are millions of words, just look this one up.”

Bella: “I also have no progress in it.”

Me: “Oh rubbish – we communicate just fine. So – have you found ‘peacock’ in your dic. yet?”

Bella: “I have no dic beside me.”

Me: “http://www.mandarintools.com/worddict.html” (note, I provide this link every other week to her, hoping that repetition will pay off one day)

Bella: “Change another topic until i have a good English let us talk this.”

Me: “A peacock is a beautiful bird: 孔雀. Zhe dao le ma?”

Bella: “Got it.”

Me: “Ok, so you know the long, beautiful feathers on the peacock’s tail?”

Bella: “Yes. His tail is beautiful.”

Me: “Right – well, you take one of the those feathers to tickle (胳肢) my balls (睾). Understand?”

Bella: “STOP THAT.”

For a country that has a pathological loathing of queues, it is amazing how popular QQ is. Anyway, before I get sidetracked into a long rant about the quality (or lack thereof most likely) of the teachers found in the land of the long yellow groan, let’s get into the real meat of this sandwich: their protagonists; the students.

The modern China is a far cry from the traditional China that is constantly force-fed to us by the inhabitants as the true description of this nation of deeply ingrained hypocritical xenophobes. In this day and age, we have the one-child policy, as enforced by the department of Families Using Controlled Killing Unless Planned (FUCKUP), which is simultaneously bringing about several new phenomena.

The first is the introduction of the helicopter parent (always hovering around), certainly one of the bane of teachers in China everywhere. They know FAR more about education their child than we do, and never hesitate in demanding we lowlife Laowai change our curriculum to match their requirements, usually on a weekly basis, until they have gone full circle and realize they have finally demanded that we return to our originally scheduled program. Why do they know more than us? Because we know NOTHING about China of course.

First lesson, Chinese are more highly evolved than the rest of the planet because 5000 years ago a group of yellow bastards decided that the only way to do business (after inventing the concept) was to get pissed (on their invention, alcohol), make a deal, then run off to fuck Wang XiaoJie (for pay, as invented by the Chinese – see previous). They then institutionalized this into a system of government and social (dis)order.

Second lesson, as we are evil, amoral, arrogant, uncivilized and uncultured anti-Chinese devil worshippers, how could we be expected to bring anything of value to the children in our classroom? This is obvious from the differences between western and eastern education methodologies, the latter being to introduce the exam to the children at the start of the school year, then demand they reproduce the Party-approved answers word for word at regular intervals with all classes being dedicated to the rote impressing of such. We WaiGuo just don’t understand this finely honed system of proper brain washing education. Let alone, western culture doesn’t force its children into 16 hours of daily schooling 7 days a week starting from age 3.

The third lesson, the Chinese invented schooling (although I am sure Kong FuZi would roll over in the huge compost heap they call his tomb if he was to blink a decomposed eye at the modern indoctrination education system) so we western people simply haven’t had the thousands of years of experience of state-owned propaganda education that is required to properly program educate their children.

The second phenomenon is, naturally, their charming offspring, most of whom are certainly off by any foreign standard. These children are spoiled rotten, self-centred, blinkered, parasitic recorders, but you should see their bad side. God help China in a few years when the workforce demographic consists mainly of these foul creations, and when justice finally comes around and bites them firmly in their backside. Let’s take a typical scenario with a senior college student:

LaoShi: “What do you want to do when you finish college?”

XueSheng: “Study abroad.”

LaoShi: “Oh? What subjects?”

XueSheng: “Whatever they will let me into.”

LaoShi: “But isn’t that counter productive because China has the superior cultural imperative and all the western thoughts and materials have just been stolen from the Chinese?”

XueSheng: “I need to experience the decadence of the west in order to truly appreciate the grandeur of my country, and in doing so, be able to formulate more efficient schemes for extracting money from the unsuspecting Laowai.”

LaoShi: “Uh huh, so, after you finish studying abroad, what are your plans?”

XueSheng: “I want to start my own business.”

LaoShi: “Oh, what sort of business?”

XueSheng: “Selling stuff.”

LaoShi: “What sort of stuff?”

XueSheng: “Dunno, that is why I am going abroad, to get some ideas. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, Daddy has promised me the money to start my own business.”

(Yes, this is a fictionalized account of the real conversations, as the English level displayed by our brave youngster is simply so far below even this basic standard that it renders the conversation useless for the purposes of demonstration)

Now the problem begins to display itself in all its true technicolor (invented by the Chinese of course) glory. Our intrepid young entrepreneur, having received his seed money from his father venture capitalist (with Chinese Communist characteristics of course), starts his business and begins attempting to employ staff to do the actual work. Well, of course our model student here won’t actually have DO any of the WORK themselves, they have avoided this so far in their life and they are damned if they are starting now, so they require staff.

Our first challenge raises itself, most of his staff demographic are out starting identical businesses and have no interest in working for our Fiscally Aware and Highly Trained hero. The remaining demographic are either too old for our budding young CEO’s modern dreams, or have flunked university so badly as to be suitable for nothing more than doorstops, unless gifted by a rare chance of genes that combined to make them attractive enough to be sought after as a cum-gargling fuckbucket profitable XiaoJie. I say gifted because the massive inbreeding and constant exposure to healthy combinations of high-grade pollutants as dictated by the forever ruling Han class has created a nation of buck-teethed, boggle-eyed, bow-legged, acne-pockmarked, cybrowed, stumpy, overweight, hairless fucktards who have difficulty finding their ass with their hands even with a map.

Our next challenge was already implied by the definition of the first, that whatever business our little yellow friend chooses, he has a million other similarly-minded mongoloids trying to do exactly the same thing. This is the time-honoured way to do business in China, walk down the street until you find a business that doesn’t look like too much work, then duplicate that business right next door to the original. Crikey, they don’t even have the sense to go to the other side of street, let alone town, to do their R&D (rip-off and duplicate).

So, let’s assume, against all statistical probability, that our example Shining Heavenly Light of Celestial Grandeur and Business Endowment has actually managed to start a business that isn’t duplicated too many times on the chosen street (while remembering that seeing as the Chinese invented streets, they have evolved far past the requirement for such and that footpaths and road surfaces alike are merely vacant shop space for less financially capable but equally avaricious competitors) and has even managed to attract some staff, what then?

If they are PRODUCING product, we have the (in)famous Chinese Quality standards to meet, also known as the second set of bribes (the first bribes were to register, locate and power the business), in order to ensure that the product is capable of reinforcing the Holy Party requirement of population reduction by all means necessary through minimum requirements of embodied toxins. These toxins don’t come cheap, and sometimes even requiring shipping from a long distance, usually because the local supplies of such have long been consumed by the other local businesses.

Then, regardless of whether they are actually MAKING anything or not, we have the next round of grafts (institutionalized by Chairman Mao who was a great believer that agriculture should lead the way, because it is mainly powered by bullshit) – keeping the power on, taxation, protection money for the local extortionists policing fees and so on. About this time our young friend has realized that his naive profit projections are about as useful for forecasting the business climate as his penis is useful for propagation, which – given the enormous fertility problem of our civilized, cultured, inbred walking toxin farms – is to say, a non-existent capability. So, he has to raise prices in order to satisfy the demands of his newly extended family: the tax man; local Mafia boss police chief; the Minister for Industrial Systems, Farming, Institutions and Training (MISFIT); the manager of the power distribution and so on. Unfortunately for him, the latest wave of ‘graduates’ is out on the streets, blissfully unaware of the full requirements of these social responsibilities every Chinese has to his family – the mother country – and have projected their profit margins and realized that they can do what he does, better and cheaper.

It is a seething sea of sharks and blood, and our wannabe baleen whale has just been harpooned by the cloning of his avarice, stupidity, duplicity and complete lack of anything resembling creativity. So, how does he stay afloat? He goes to his local, friendly bank of course, and with daddy’s guanxi (a Chinese word that is somewhat akin to relationships, only you will get fucked harder than any XiaoJie will ever be capable of) and some creative accounting, manages to get himself a business loan to ensure his diet of KTV girls, BaiJiu and deep-fried effluent keeps flowing freely. This merely extends the strain on the entire Chinese financial system, now completely dedicated to supporting the newly adopted American system of consumerism at all cost to ensure Communist produce is actually purchased by someone, seeing as the rest of the world prefers products that last longer than a week or two before beginning to decompose into their native constituent toxic materials.

But that’s OK, he has been in business long enough now to know that all he needs for a loan is a bit more guanxi; pay for a few dinners with the local bank manager with the obligatory BaiJiu, KTV girls and foreign devil imported drinks; and a bit more creative accounting to show his sustained profitability. He can now get a new loan to buy a cramped, substandard, short-lived, mis-wired, pollutant-laden apartment to raise a single child with his KTV girl of choice.

A few years down the track and he starts to realize his market is shrinking, the successful effects of the party-mandated Youth In Asia and Daddy’s business is also facing similar problems. Rampant, sustained inflation has further reduced his purchasing power, but this was A Good Thing because it reduced the requirement of his Elder Brothers In The Government With Chinese Characteristics for purchasing large amounts of foreign currency in order to artificially deflate the value of a fairly worthless monetary system to keep it in line with other equally worthless systems. With the reduction of the population around him he begins to worry about a decline in his property’s value, when, one day, with a short, sharp crack, his property begins to biodegrade on schedule and thereby ensures that the supply of housing meets the new, lower demand.

Watching his business and house crumble are too much for our ex-KTV girl, so she now runs off to whore it up with the local Friendly Communist Party Leaders, who in turn give her the bloated contract for removing the rubbish that used to be known as Housing For The Glorious And Well Loved Citizens of The Kingdom at the Centre of the Universe. Then this fraud gets exposed, because insufficient funds are flowing upwards into the coffers of the Treasury of the Heavenly Inspired Kingdom of Freedom for All Hard Working Comrades and our now divorced ex-KTV girl’s fleeting moment of Financial And Social Independence has passed, leaving her sitting in the internet cafe sending out bulk emails to any Laowai stupid enough to reply to her, stating her immediate availability for marriage and romance, provided he has enough financial assets to make it worth her while to strip him raw.

The Children Are Our Future, and verily shall it come to pass wind for us.

– DaBizarre

[/rant]