Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Chinese People Are Really Birds!

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Guest Post
Western researchers studying local populations in China are coming to the conclusion that Chinese people are not Homo Sapiens as previously thought, but actually an avian species. While correlation does not always indicate causation, the evidence gathered displays some remarkable similarities that bear further research.

1. They eat seeds, cracking them with their teeth and taking the kernel with their tongues.
2. They are happy to perch on almost any surface.
3. Very few can swim.
4. They are prone to making loud noises (especially in the morning).
5. They defecate on the road (or pretty much anywhere they feel like).
6. Their brains are very small.
7. They can’t drive.
8. Their diet consists mostly of seeds, nuts, fruit, carrion, entrails and insects.
9. They are migratory, returning to the spawning grounds in the spring.
10. Males are required to prepare a suitable nest before the female will mate.
11. Females rarely enjoy the act of mating, rather, they tolerate the situation in order to produce offspring.
12. Babies are not born live but as eggs from which the mature adult must peck their way out.
13. Like Bower Birds and Magpies, they are attracted to colourful and shiny objects.

From the behaviours observed, we can narrow the species down to either: parrot, magpie, jay or crow. Crows have the ability to solve problems, create and use tools and predict the outcome of events… so we can scratch crows off of the list. Parrot may be the best candidate. A parrot can repeat language without any conscious comprehension of what it’s actually saying. It is attracted to shiny objects, eats nuts, fruits and some species are known to eat animals and carrion. It also likes nothing more than it’s own reflection and would probably upload it’s beak to weixin daily (if it had the dexterity).

In summary, it appears that Chinese people may actually be a species of Psittacopasserae (Parrots).

Source: Collective effort from some inspired authors contributing to a thread on Reddit

- daPangzi

Posted in Guest Post | 6 Comments »

Happy New… What?

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, February 1, 2014

Okay, look. I’m busy as all get-out and when I have a few minutes free I’d really to spend them masturbating, not enlightening idiots who think their pathetic excuse for a cuntry is the centre of anything. It isn’t even the centre of the toilet, because it’s already on the far side of the U-bend and still accelerating. So having to waste my valuable time on this is, well, quite frankly a waste of my valuable time.

But okay, for the record, officially, take note: It Isn’t Happy New Year.

Clear? Capisce? The year is determined by how long it takes for the Earth to orbit the Sun, not how long it takes for the Moon to orbit Peking. Fuck, in this day and age even kindergarten kids know that. And it’s why we have a thing called A Year. Ah, what the hell, just look at when us foreign chaps do our celebrating, and copy that. You seem to copy every damn thing else we apparently invent, like trousers and shoes and windows and streets and not living in caves, so follow the line on this one, right?

I really don’t give a numpties nonce if it is ‘traditional’ – that just means you haven’t the wit to live in the modern world. Cutting out people’s hearts was also traditional in some places, until us interfering white folks put a stop to it. See here for more information. Being traditional is only of use until such time as those traditions get in the way of what we like to refer to as ‘reality’. Like, for example, thinking that a Chinese baby that is newly hatched is actually a year old, or that you are another year older after so-called Chinese New Year. So that you end up with a fucking ten year old who is seven at best, and probably a thirty year old who is ten. Christ, you have no idea how much that pisses me off. Though it does explain the fucking childish levels of emotional maturity I see around me on a daily fucking basis. This is why I have a mortar set up on the roof and claymores embedded in the garden path. But, I digress.

As if celebrating the end of the year on a totally different date every year, as determined by the Emperor’s qi  and the motion of the moon (which you cunt’s still haven’t been to) around Peking, wasn’t bad enough, you also then celebrate the Money God. Yeah, the God that makes you rich by getting you to spend all your money on fireworks that make a noise and smoke and that’s it, no pretty displays or anything, Christ you people are fucking hopeless, you can’t even get fucking fireworks right, despite having lied about inventing them along with mountains, oxygen, and grass, dammit. Yeah, the smart Chinese businessman. Myth: Busted.

But hey, go on polluting the entire planet and eating anything that moves because of your disgusting famine-based cuisine, go on celebrating things that make as much sense as your fucking ping-pong-wing-wong language, keep on naming your kids after the sound of a tin bucket being thrown down a flight of stairs, keep on pretending that your cuntry is Very Mordern And Development, go on making ridiculous claims to ownership of things that are clearly owned by other, more civilised, people.

Just don’t do it around me.

I am now going to fire ten employees to celebrate New Year With Chinese Characteristics.

Wait, Year of the Horse, right? I’ll fire twenty.

Posted in Festivals et al | 7 Comments »

Sootilocks and the 1 Child Family

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Guest Post
A Classic Fairytale with Harmonious Chinese Characteristics.

by DaBizzare

Once upon a time, about 10 days ago, lived a little girl called Sootilocks. She was a very good little girl and did her homework 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Every 3 years her school would give her a day off, and this year she decided she would be the filial granddaughter and visit her grandma. On the way, she got lost, and being tired and hungry, she went into a nearby apartment. There was no-one home, but there was some delicious food on the table: excrement-stuffed cardboard buns called baozi, and to her, they were delicious.

There were three plates. She tried the first one, it was too hot. She tried the second one, it was too cold. She tried the third one, it tasted like crap, but she ate all three anyway because she was a filial confuscian.

Her legs were tired, so she wanted to sit down, and she saw three chairs. The first one was too big. The second one was too small. The third one had nails sticking into her bottom, but she hardly noticed as she was used to the local quality standards.

Then she wanted to have a sleep, so she went looking for beds. The first one was too hard. The second one was even harder. The third one was even harder again, but she went to sleep like a good little girl because that was what was always expected of her, and she was, if nothing else, the filial student.

While she was asleep, the occupants of the 60 square meter apartment returned: Daddy Monkey, Mommy Monkey and Baby Monkey. Daddy Monkey said “Someone has been eaten my baozi and spat on the table.” Mommy Monkey said “Someone was eaten my baozi, and sneezed on the table.” Baby Monkey said “Someone ated my baozi, and they ated it all up.” Grammar was not a strong point in this household.

Then Daddy saw his chair. “Someone has been sat in my chair.”. Mommy said “Someone was sat in my chair.” Baby said “Someone was satted in my chair, and blooded all over it!”

Then the three monkeys went to go to bed. “Someone has been slept in my bed” said Daddy Monkey. “Someone sleepered in my bed too” said Mommy Monkey. “Someone slepted in my bed, AND THEY ARE YET THERE!!!” cried Baby Monkey.

The three Monkeys cooked Sootilocks and made delicious baozi from her that they sold to their neighbours for many weeks.

THE END

Posted in Guest Post | 2 Comments »

Merry Christmas. Again.

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Right, so it’s Christmas time back in the civilised world. Lucky you. I imagine you are enjoying being with people who don’t want to steal everything you own and then expel you. Or who don’t look at your pets with recipes in mind. You may even have received gifts, or have given them away yourselves. I can only imagine how nice that must be. What’s the weather like there? Winter or summer, I bet you can at least see the far side of the street without the smog getting in the way, right? Of course, it’s not easy for everyone at Christmas time – many families will have people in the armed forces away, for example. But look on the bright side: at least they are not about to go to war with Japan / the Philippines / Taiwan / Vietnam / India / Malaysia / Australia / the United States.

In China of course, everything is wonderful. The glorious Party and the magnificent and ancient Culture of mighty China lend, as always, a certain special majesty to anything and everything, and nothing is more improved by exposure to Chinese culture than poorly Western rituals that are a mere shadow of truly important Chinese festivals. Like, um, the one about eating dumplings. Or the other one about eating other dumplings for a different reason. Oh yeah, We All Love China. There’s a special word for how much we all love China, and that word is ‘Bollocks’ [note to censors: 'Bollocks' means 'masculine', sort of].

I wish I was in Taiwan.

Merry Christmas from all of us here at MLHQ. You, our readers, we do love. We’ll try to spend more time with you all next year.

Xmas Girls

Posted in Festivals et al | Tagged: , | 7 Comments »

Ching Ching, Qingdao

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 23, 2013

Guest Post
Got a gas problem? Too many pickled eggs maybe?

One of the most dangerous places on the face of the planet has to be Qingdao, or Tsingdao, depending on which epoch you choose to come from. [Ed: It's Tsingdao, unless you come from Peking]

Most expats in China would probably recognize the latter, not the former, due to their daily consumption of the watered-down rats-piss exported from the German settlement that passes as beer everywhere else.

For all you others: the place where the Olympic sailing races were held.

Yeah – the algae bloom landing zone.

Before this week, it was dangerous enough. China’s nuclear submarine base is but a few Km north under the mountain that drove many Chinese emperors to send their subjects to Korea in search of the mystic floating islands that can be viewed from Penglai pavilion (Mirage).

Oh yes, that place. The one that had the massive oil slick from Chinese-quality offshore oil drilling. Mmmm. One of the most unhealthiest beaches in the world. No golden sand. No waves. Plenty of pollution. But really good beer.

Whoa. Hang on. Can we derive a causative effect here? Qingdao is an ongoing cluster-fuck, and also has (locally only) some of the best beer in China.

Yes, this week, an oil pipeline blew up. Where? Under a main road. WHAT THE FUCK? Which country in their right mind places a major oil pipeline from the drilling site to the refinery UNDER A MAIN ROAD? Let alone the residences, businesses etc it also passes under.

China. land of the long yellow shortcut.

- Da Bizzare

Posted in Environment, Guest Post, Newsflash, Propaganda | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

China Dolls

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Brace yourselves, because this doesn’t happen often. I am about to defend something in China.

In recent days, a Chinese seller of Chinese sex dolls in China has been persecuted by some angst-ridden fucktards whose parents obviously never taught them to mind their own fucking business, and those dolls are no longer for sale.

The hate-mongering wanksocks who orchestrated the anti-free market and anti-consumer choice campaign against this purveyor of marital aids were, of course, American. From New Jersey, no less. Fuck, I can feel the bile rising in my throat already. The founder of the anti-freedom organisation responsible, one Kelly Master, is someone I have fortunately never had the misfortune to meet, and I’ve been bruising my knees praying to a fictitious God that I never do. That said, she is no doubt the kind of dried-up minge who thinks Emily Brontë is far too racy for young girls to be exposed to. She no doubt firmly supports a complete ban on the eating of bananas, on account of how sexually suggestive that can be. She obviously has cobwebs in her cooch, too.

I mean, seriously? It’s a sex doll. It’s not like it’s going to run about the world telling everyone else how they should live and drop bombs on some poor fucking village from a Predator drone, or force people into ‘stress positions’ until they confess to believing in the wrong imaginary God or whatever. It’s. Just. A. Sex. Doll. Get a fucking life already Kelly. It’s less real than my right hand. It’s the same real as a coffee cup. A coffee cup doesn’t make most folks turn to pedophilia, not even the ones filled with Starbucks coffee.

Here’s what the doll looks like:
Doll

As you can observe, it has the same expression that every middle-aged Chinese woman has. It has the same body shape too. Same hairstyle, same lifeless eyes, same fashion sense. Obviously, it is a recreation in plastic and latex of a middle-aged Chinese woman.

I haven’t the faintest fucking idea why anyone would want to buy one of these things. It’ll be no better to have sex with than any other Chinese woman, though to be fair it is unlikely to be any worse, either. But thanks to you, Kelly Master, you moistureless, wizened skank, thanks to you I am going to buy one of these dolls. I am going to install it permanently in the passenger seat of the Aston. And I shall put up a little sign next to it, that reads:

“At Least This Bitch Knows How To Mind Her Own Fucking Business”.

Have a nice day folks. I’ve got people to fire.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Censorship | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Ren & the Art of Mechanical Maintenance

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Guest Post

How to be a Great Chinese Mechanic

So you want to be a great Chinese mechanic? Your dream is easier than you can imagine. In just a few short paragraphs I will educate you in the way of motorcycle repair in China and set you on the way to a career of inflicting frustration and despair on anyone that is suckered into your shop, while ridiculously over-billing them for shoddy work. The good news is you’re almost halfway towards the goal already! Just answer these 3 simple questions:

1) Are you a Chinese man?
2) Do you like to get involved in activities that you don’t understand?
3) Do you own a hammer?

If you answered “yes” to those 3, you’re well on the way! Why, you’re practically already a mechanic, you just need a filthy, grease stained patch of dirt to work on and you can start ruining people’s machinery. But keep reading and let me show you the path to mechanical greatness.

“But wait”, you whine in your plaintive, weedy voice, “I really don’t know anything about fixing motorcycles, I’m hardly able to identify the gas tank 2 times out of 3…” Don’t fret little man, let me introduce the concept of “job shopping” to make your career problem free.

Job shopping is when a customer brings in a machine you’re not familiar with or asks for a repair you don’t understand, like replacing a lightbulb. Your first task is to assure the customer that you can handle this repair, it’s no trouble at all and you have every confidence it can be done in a few hours. Do your best to wrangle some money from the customer “to buy parts” and set a good fat price for completion; plead poverty, duress and how difficult the job will be, squeeze him like a grape. Then, once the customer is out of sight, find someone that can actually do the job; maybe a bigger shop down the road? Maybe your drunken uncle? Maybe a random member of the idle crowd loitering about your shop? Whoever, it really doesn’t matter. Get a firm price from them and negotiate mercilessly, every RMB they get is basically stealing from you, so fight hard. They don’t have to do a good job, assure them that the customer will never meet them, so they can just rush through it with used parts and it won’t matter. Get the repairs done and get the bike back to the customer. It’s best if you drop it off, so he won’t have time to check it over before you disappear. Get the money from him and beat feet. When the shoddy work falls apart in a day and if the customer comes back to you, plead ignorance, it isn’t your fault the other guy did a crap job. Job shopping is the express train to success!

The thing to remember to be truly great is that your time is worthless. Of course, as a Chinese man, any time not spent drunk or in the company of underage whores is just wasted, and if you’re at your “garage” you’re basically just hanging out and killing time. Since you can’t bill the customer for labor, the only way to make money in the mechanic game is to charge inflated prices for parts. So if a customer comes in with a blown head gasket, fuck that guy. It’s 2 hours of labor for a RMB$5 part. But a customer with a blown starter is money in the bank! Starters take all of 5 minutes to change and you can charge what you want, once his bike is in pieces. The best part is that you can rewind an old starter and slap that in, no need to buy a new one, but make sure you charge like it’s made of gold and blessed by GuanYin. Sure the replacement starter will fail in a week, but who cares? The customer will be long gone by then. And if he isn’t, it’s a chance to upsell him on a new starter!

A good mechanic repairs a motorcycle once, a great mechanic can make a career of repairing the same bike once, over a period of months. The secret is to screw up something that will make the bike come back later. The best way is to use the secret Shaolin mechanic technique known as “Chinklok”. When something needs to be tightened, a nut or bolt, stupid Western mechanics will just tighten it, maybe they’ll put some bizarre goop called Threadlok or a lockwasher on it to stop it from falling off. But that’s hardly the way of the great Chinese mechanic! Where’s the job security in that? No, the Chinese way is to tighten it until it just feels snug, then give it 3 quick turns. This strips the threads and guarantees it’ll fall off in a few days. Even if the bike doesn’t come back to you, it’ll have to go to another mechanic. When we all work together like this, we all profit. So don’t forget to Chinklok all the nuts and bolts!

Tools are an important part of being a great mechanic and you should treat them right. The instant you’re done with a particular tool, open your hand and let it fall to the filthy floor. There’s nothing more satisfying then hearing the “clang” of a precision instrument bouncing off a delicate part. That’s the sound of job security, as it’s hardly your fault the customers stupid carburator was under your hammer. More parts = more money!

It may be that a motorcycle comes to your shop that looks like it might be a challenge. Maybe a foreigner pushes his bike to your door, maybe it comes in on the bed of a tractor. This spells trouble! Foreigners are bad news, they expect repairs to last more than 20 minutes and their mechanic to not be a lying sack of shit. As a Chinese mechanic, that’s impossible. Better to brush him off and send him elsewhere. Try not looking at him while waving your fat little hand in his general direction. Don’t speak to him, just look away and grunt. If he insists on you working on the bike (maybe by bad luck you’re the only shop in 40km) tell him you’ve never seen one like it and can’t promise anything (even if it is identical to every other bike you have ever seen). Try to convince him that what he’s asking for is either a) totally trivial and not necessary or b) impossibly difficult and beyond the ken of man. Best is to claim both things at once, that should discourage him enough to go elsewhere.

So now you’re on the path to greatness! Remember: job shop, re-use parts, Chinklok and refuse anything difficult. Soon you’ll be known as a great Chinese mechanic!

Posted in Guest Post | 4 Comments »

Fuat Yalan – Almost Right

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 19, 2013

Fuat Yalan This is Fuat Yalan, a politician who, after seeing a video of Chinese people beating up a poor Uighur boy, made some comments that various weak-minded fucktards have called ‘racist’. Now, I’m of the opinion that when a politician says something he honestly believes to be true, then that should be applauded, particularly when, as is the case here, he is right.

However, whilst Mister Fuat Yalan is generally correct in his sentiments, something that all right-minded humans who have been to China won’t for a moment doubt, he is incorrect in the particulars. Here is his quote:

“I hope that it will be 140 degrees and that all the Chinese will burn, so the world will be free of that Chinese filth.”

And here is what he should have said:

“What China really needs to do is have three weeks of petroleum rain, followed by a decent lightning storm, and have the resulting fire extinguished with napalm.”

Have a nice day. Unless you are in China, in which case you won’t.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Media | Leave a Comment »

What Really Happened…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, June 4, 2013

What Really Happened

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Censorship, China, Democracy, History, Human Rights, Motivational! | 1 Comment »

Love You Long Time, GI

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, that we here at Team MyLaowai receive on a daily basis emails from girls wanting to meet us. Now, on the surface this may seem strange, as none of us really like China very much and very few of us actually want anything to do with Chinese people, and we are fairly clear on this. But the simple fact is that even someone who doesn’t want to know you and who despises your culture with a deep and abiding passion, is a better choice than a Chinese bloke. That’s just a fact. Some of these girls are probably gold-diggers and some are looking to get the magic passport of any other country, but I reckon that the vast majority are probably normal, ordinary girls.

Now then girls, I can’t speak for everyone at Team MyLaowai, but speaking personally I have to say that your chances are not great. To start with, Mrs MyLaowai would not be very impressed if I were to park the Aston at your place overnight, if you get my meaning. In fact, she would probably be tempted to do nasty things involving a pair of secateurs and quite frankly I don’t fancy the thought of spending the remainder of my life in the style of John Bobbit. But because you do still keep writing, and because I can’t get into trouble by reading your emails or looking at your pictures, allow me please to give you a few tips.

1. Don’t send me pictures of yourself eating. I don’t want that horrible thought in my head. I have enough horrible thoughts there already. I know you eat, I know everyone eats, but unlike you I don’t find the thought of constantly eating some disgusting muck very appealing, and you are not turning me on with it. Please stop.

2. I can tell the difference between a face that is clean, and one that has a quarter-inch of makeup plastered over it. You’re not fooling anyone with that. If your face has all kinds of growths and birthmarks and disgusting boils and bad acne, so be it. It’s at least honest to show that, instead of hiding it under builder’s plaster.

3. I am not impressed with your iPhone or Louis Vuitton handbag or whatever other piece of fashionable crap you want to show off. I just really don’t give a shit. If you want to show me something that might impress me, then show me your tits if you have any worth looking at.

4. Please, please don’t tell me you are “God-fearing”. To start with, I don’t live in the Philippines and you do, and that would pose logistics problems if nothing else. Secondly, saying you are God-fearing is like me saying that I am mango-fearing, the only difference being that at least mangos do actually exist. If you want to live in La-La Land with your psychotic and delusional fantasies about a mythical Man in the Sky whom you are afraid of, then please keep it to yourself. I am not interested, because I have a brain.

5. Saying that you are “wait me” doesn’t actually mean anything in English. I do appreciate that English is your second language, but in this wonderful age of MS Office, you can do a spelling and grammar check without twisting yourself into contortions, so bloody well do so.

6. So, you are a ‘Traditional Chinese Woman’, are you? That merely means you take it up the Hershey Highway so you can keep your virginity intact. That’s about it, really.

7. Interested in marriage? Great. I’m not. Marriage is something to flee from at high speed. I don’t want to marry you, or meet your family, or have your relatives anywhere near me. I will not visit them at Spring Festival and I don’t give a flying fuck if they need to go to hospital and are short of money. I’m not interested in making babies with you. These are just some of the things that I don’t want, but you get the point.

8. If I was a single chap, I might possibly be interested in meeting for a drink, and maybe you could even offer to buy me one. If that went well, maybe we could date for a while. If that went well, we might end up living together. And then who knows what the future might hold? But I’m not single, and I don’t play the field. One woman is already more bother than I need in my life, and the trouble caused by women is equal to the square of the number of women in a man’s life.

9. I might have hinted subtly at this previously, but I want to be clear: you really do need to show me your tits. This is the main thing, really.

10. There is no point 10. I was going to write a point 10, but now I am distracted by a picture of a girl with no makeup and decent tits who doesn’t have an iPhone or a LV bag, and who isn’t shovelling gruel into her maw. The picture is of Mrs MyLaowai, and she is the gatekeeper. Basically, if you can get past her, you have a chance. Good luck with that, and keep sending me pictures of your tits. Thank you.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 44 Comments »

 
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