Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for the ‘Charity’ Category

Christmas, 2016

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, December 22, 2016

I just want to start out, here and now, by saying that I’ve had a great year. Really, it’s been my best year in twenty years, no bullshit. 2016 went very well for me and in nearly every respect exceeded my expectations.

But yeah, it’s been a pretty rough year for most people in the world, I get it. And not a very nice year for human decency, or Rule Of Law, or just about any other high-minded concept you care to name. It’s been a great ride for demagogues and dictators and the angels of hate and all their minions, but none of that has played out well for ordinary folks anywhere at all, and next year is set to be fairly terrible as well. Don’t be surprised if ammo becomes a sort of de facto currency in some places, is what I’m saying.

So, this year none of my girls will be dressing up as Christmas Eve for your entertainment, and none of us will be leading with a Christmas Rant. Sorry to disappoint, but perhaps this year we should try a bit harder than usual to find a little kindness in our hearts for people we don’t feel much affiliation with. It seems like the right thing to do.

That said, I did want to talk about a problem that’s been in my thoughts: Illegal Immigrants. Bear with me, please.

One of the countries I am a citizen of, has a problem with illegal immigrants. Some people in my country are in favour of extreme measures. I am going to be referring to the largest group of illegals in this piece, so as not to be accused of painting with too broad a brush.

Many of these illegals come bearing what can only be described as an extreme form of their religion, and one that is not popular in my country. They don’t seem to feel that local laws should apply to them; that they are somehow immune and should only answer to the laws of their own home country. They are the ones that are most over-represented in political activism. They don’t make much effort to learn the local culture or speak the way local folks do, and they frequently hang out with their own countrymen, celebrating their own, obscure, festivals. People in my country are having to support these illegals with their tax contributions, and are paying the price of a housing bubble caused, in part, by legal foreign investment from these illegal immigrants’ home country.

What to do? Should we get tough on these people? Should we put up signs at the border saying they aren’t welcome? Or would that cause an international outcry and charges of racism? Currently, when these illegals are caught, they are deported after being given due legal process, but this clearly isn’t working as the long-term trend is towards more immigration from that country. And, given we do have extensive trade with that country, would we really want to put that at risk? Should we be afraid of possible military or economic consequences if we are too tough on these illegals, or should we go ahead and target their families for, say, drone strikes? Remember, these illegal immigrants make up the largest portion of the illegal immigration that my country faces. What do you all think?

I don’t know if it matters what the ethnicity of these illegals is, but in case you are wondering, they are White Americans.

Something to think about in 2017, I reckon.

Merry Christmas.

Santa Looking for Reindeer Replacements

Posted in Charity, Democracy, Festivals et al, Human Rights | 15 Comments »

Your Donations – Hard at Work

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 8, 2011

Well folks, it isn’t often that I am genuinely emotional, but you’ve managed to move me to tears, you really have. The MyLaowai Charity Appeal is proving to be a wonderful success, with thousands of names rolling in from across the globe. From your Adam’s and Abigail’s, through the Noel’s and Oscar’s, and all the way to Zachary – you have done more for poor China in a week than China has managed in five thousand years alone!

Already, these names are being sorted, assigned, and despatched around the country, going to the needy and the nameless. Even as we speak, Liu’s and Chen’s are for the first time able to tell each other apart, and Zhang’s and Li’s can finally have some pride in themselves. We have heard stories – and seen for ourselves – Huang’s who never thought they could have a name of their own, suddenly enriched beyond their wildest dreams. And all this is due to you, who picked up the White Man’s Burden and gave generously to a cause not your own. I salute you all.

We decided it would be nice to follow one of the many names sent in, and see where it went. We picked one at random – it was ‘Alfonse Lickertwat‘. It turned out that this name was allocated to a poor, rural village somewhere in darkest Zhejiang, called Wenzhou (meaning “Shite Hills”, apparently). When we arrived, the entire town had turned out to welcome the arrival of The Name. The person destined to receive it, a twelve year old boy known only as Xiao Wang, was proudly front-and-centre with his parents, Wang Xiansheng and Wang Xiaojie. Here is little Wang, seen posing with his friends:

(From the left) Wang, Wang, Wang, Wang and Wang

Wang’s father, Wang, had this to say to our reporter: “Thank you very much. Now my son can earn a good living and care for us in the proper manner“. Wang’s mother, Wang, was nearly overcome, but unfortunately was able to say a few words anyway: “Oh, how wonderful! Now we will be the envy of all our neighbours whose children don’t have any real names! Thank you, thank, oh thanks you so much!”

Xiao Wang himself seemed a bit confused by all the attention, but the little tyke appeared to take it all in his stride. It wasn’t long before he was strutting through the streets, trying out his new name and generally showing off to all the other children. We have since heard that he has now been offered a place in the nearby school, No.47 Fireworks & Light Industrial Manufacturing Middle School and Happy Ending Massage Emporium.

So to you, my dear readers, I offer my thanks. It is your generosity that made this story, and many others like it, possible. Thank you.

Posted in Charity, Wang Xiansheng | 16 Comments »

MyLaowai Charity Update

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 4, 2011

*** The MyLaowai Charity Appeal – Read All About It Here ***

Posted in Charity | Leave a Comment »

MyLaowai Charity Update

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 2, 2011

*** The MyLaowai Charity Appeal – Read All About It Here ***

Posted in Charity | 3 Comments »

MyLaowai Charity Appeal

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Some people just have it easy, I guess. Take people from Britain (the only country that is Great), for example: there are hundreds of thousands of family names in use. Or the United States of Awesome (as they refer to themselves), which is home to even more, although I am the first to admit that some of them are a bit weird and quite a lot are Spanish. Yup, when it comes to family names, some places are blessed indeed. And it’s the same for first names – hell, most countries have so many names available that many parents are able to give their children a middle name as well! I even knew a bloke who had two middle names!

But not everyone is so fortunate. If you’re Hebrew (which is Phoenician), for instance, then you don’t have any written vowels. Which sucks, quite frankly. It sucks bad. Why? Because you are very limited in the names you have available to you. Sorry about that. But it isn’t any better if you’re Welsh, because then you not only have no vowels, you also come from Wales. Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. Sixty-eight percent of all Russians are called “Boris“, “Mikhail“, “Svetlana“, “Viktoria“, “Olga“, “Ekaterina“, “Yuliya“, or “Alina“. Some Eastern European countries are in fact so short of vowels that the citizens have to queue for days just to get temporary use of one, and their governments impose rationing and tight restrictions on how they can be used, in order to prevent unnecessary wear and tear.

On the other hand, being poor isn’t always a bad thing, and even the poorest people in these poor nations can usually make do with improvised names. What may appear to you and I to be a collection of letters left over at the end of a game of Scrabble, might very well be used by an imaginative Welshman or Pole to create a proper family name, for instance.

But the people I really feel sorry for, the ones who really do have a problem with an under-supply of names, are the Chinese. A billion-and-a-half of the blighters, and the merest handful of names shared between the lot of them. Most villages are so short of family names that they all share the same one, which is nice if you don’t want to have to change your name when you get married (to your cousin, for instance), but it can be a real problem otherwise. Even the very rich are gripped in the poverty of not having enough names to go around: if you are a Li, Chen, Huang, Zhang, Wang, Chou or Liu, then you know what I’m talking about. And if you are Chinese, then you are a Li, Chen, Huang, Zhang, Wang, Chou or Liu, because those are your only choices.

It’s not a lot better for first names, either. In fact, it’s even worse. Chinese people don’t have any first names. Their parents (or the Party) simply name them after the first thing that pops into their tiny minds, such as “Ice Ice” or “Defend The Country” or “Gold Set” for instance. In desperation, many Chinese people use English words to give themselves an approximation of identity or uniqueness – “Volcano”, for instance, or “Lily”, “Echo”, and even “Potato” are all common. Names that would be used by strippers in Las Vegas are all-too-common as well, but perhaps there’s another reason for that.

We in the mighty West sometimes forget how fortunate we are. We have an abundance, a surfeit, a vast plethora, a giant, swelling, rich prosperousness of names – easily enough for everyone. Enough for everyone to have three, five, eight, as many, in fact, as we can remember. Just ask “Adolph Blaine Charles Daivid Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quiney Randolph Sherman Uncas William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorft Senior“, if you don’t believe me.

The people of poor China, however, are not so fortunate, and it is our moral obligation, our solemn duty, to help them. Let us, therefore, once again take up the White Man’s Burden and bring Enlightenment to the Dark Places of the world. MyLaowai is calling on you to donate names for the Chinese to use. We are not asking you to give until it hurts, only what you can spare and won’t miss. Be honest folks, we all have enough, indeed we have more than enough. Show why it is that we are better than anyone else by giving generously in this most worthy of causes.

Thank you. Thank you so much.


Posted in Charity | 13 Comments »