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An Book Review – Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 13, 2016

Party Members, the new book by Arthur Meursault, is finally out. And the eagerly-awaited review of this book, by MyLaowai, is also out.

I probably should start out with a few trigger warnings. But I won’t, because trigger warnings are for people who are so intellectually weak and emotionally inadequate that they might as well be vegetarianists or poofs or Trump supporters*.

*For anyone who wants to be offended by that statement, but who doesn’t feel quite entitled, please feel free to consider yourself a cunt in a very general sense.

There are many reasons to buy this book, and one of them is that I know the author is struggling under the crushing weight of unforgiven student debt and is forced to give blowjobs in exchange for bowls of noodles on the streets of Anyuan*.

*This is a lie. The author does not live in Anyuan.

But the real question is, is this book right for you? Here’s a handy Q and A to help you decide:

Q. Is this book right for me?

A. I don’t know. Are you an American?

Q. Yes, I am as it happens. How did you guess? Was it the perfect teeth? It was, wasn’t it?

A. No, it was the smart suit and matching power-tie that looked so stylish. Bad news chum, this book probably isn’t for you.

Q. Oh? Why not?

A. You will be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of romantic notions about China and how it would be lovely if only the Communist Party would let the humble and very ordinary people get on with their lives, but things are no doubt improving and anyway people are basically the same everywhere and it isn’t their fault they are poor and besides…

Q. Um, no. I intend voting Trump.

A. You will still be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of notions about China stealing all your jobs and coming over here and buying all our real estate and obviously they want to start WW3 because Alex Jones said so, just like the Chinese killed millions of Americans during 9/11 and they are jealous because we beat them in the last war and besides…

Q. Um. Sorry. I lied, I’m actually English.

A. Really? Fascinating. Which part of Blighty doest thou hail from?

Q. Newcastle.

A. This book might not be for you. I checked on the results of the last referendum and it’s clear that you are 49.3% likely to be unable to read. Although, that said, the pages are nice and soft so you will at least be able to make some use of them. I’m a Daily Express man myself, when it comes to these sorts of things. Your call.

Q. Is this book really as offensive as everybody says?

A. Is your screen-name Robert Black, by any chance? Because if it is, you’ll hate it. It’s well written, descriptive, and essentially accurate. Though, there are rather a lot of references to sexual assault, so maybe you’ll be turned on by it after all.

Q. No, my name is Mike Hunt.

A. Righto. Thanks. Well, as a work of literature it’s definitely on the rough side. Not for persons of a delicate disposition, certainly. Not easy to read if you are sensitive or a delicate snowflake. But fairly factual.

Q. Factual?

A. Certainly. Not in the sense of being about a real person or being set in a real place, but more in the sense of being about facts in a general sense of the word. Sort of thing.

Q. So, what do you reckon? Is it for me? Should I buy it?

A. Honestly, I don’t know. Look, I’ve been very patient but I’m incredibly busy getting these Christmas decorations made and these coolies don’t work all that hard without a good beating from time to time, so why not just buy it and then let me know what you think, hmmm? Tell you what, if you buy it and don’t like it, I promise on my first-born’s grave that I’ll totally reimburse you*, alright? Get it on Amazon here: Party Members

*This is a lie.

And for what it’s worth, this reviewer has a copy, liked it a lot, and is now going to pour a gin and tonic and try to think of a creative yet unfair way to be cruel to his workers. Again.

Have a nice day.

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Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash, Propaganda, Zhang Ziyi | 1 Comment »

Love You Long Time, GI

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, that we here at Team MyLaowai receive on a daily basis emails from girls wanting to meet us. Now, on the surface this may seem strange, as none of us really like China very much and very few of us actually want anything to do with Chinese people, and we are fairly clear on this. But the simple fact is that even someone who doesn’t want to know you and who despises your culture with a deep and abiding passion, is a better choice than a Chinese bloke. That’s just a fact. Some of these girls are probably gold-diggers and some are looking to get the magic passport of any other country, but I reckon that the vast majority are probably normal, ordinary girls.

Now then girls, I can’t speak for everyone at Team MyLaowai, but speaking personally I have to say that your chances are not great. To start with, Mrs MyLaowai would not be very impressed if I were to park the Aston at your place overnight, if you get my meaning. In fact, she would probably be tempted to do nasty things involving a pair of secateurs and quite frankly I don’t fancy the thought of spending the remainder of my life in the style of John Bobbit. But because you do still keep writing, and because I can’t get into trouble by reading your emails or looking at your pictures, allow me please to give you a few tips.

1. Don’t send me pictures of yourself eating. I don’t want that horrible thought in my head. I have enough horrible thoughts there already. I know you eat, I know everyone eats, but unlike you I don’t find the thought of constantly eating some disgusting muck very appealing, and you are not turning me on with it. Please stop.

2. I can tell the difference between a face that is clean, and one that has a quarter-inch of makeup plastered over it. You’re not fooling anyone with that. If your face has all kinds of growths and birthmarks and disgusting boils and bad acne, so be it. It’s at least honest to show that, instead of hiding it under builder’s plaster.

3. I am not impressed with your iPhone or Louis Vuitton handbag or whatever other piece of fashionable crap you want to show off. I just really don’t give a shit. If you want to show me something that might impress me, then show me your tits if you have any worth looking at.

4. Please, please don’t tell me you are “God-fearing”. To start with, I don’t live in the Philippines and you do, and that would pose logistics problems if nothing else. Secondly, saying you are God-fearing is like me saying that I am mango-fearing, the only difference being that at least mangos do actually exist. If you want to live in La-La Land with your psychotic and delusional fantasies about a mythical Man in the Sky whom you are afraid of, then please keep it to yourself. I am not interested, because I have a brain.

5. Saying that you are “wait me” doesn’t actually mean anything in English. I do appreciate that English is your second language, but in this wonderful age of MS Office, you can do a spelling and grammar check without twisting yourself into contortions, so bloody well do so.

6. So, you are a ‘Traditional Chinese Woman’, are you? That merely means you take it up the Hershey Highway so you can keep your virginity intact. That’s about it, really.

7. Interested in marriage? Great. I’m not. Marriage is something to flee from at high speed. I don’t want to marry you, or meet your family, or have your relatives anywhere near me. I will not visit them at Spring Festival and I don’t give a flying fuck if they need to go to hospital and are short of money. I’m not interested in making babies with you. These are just some of the things that I don’t want, but you get the point.

8. If I was a single chap, I might possibly be interested in meeting for a drink, and maybe you could even offer to buy me one. If that went well, maybe we could date for a while. If that went well, we might end up living together. And then who knows what the future might hold? But I’m not single, and I don’t play the field. One woman is already more bother than I need in my life, and the trouble caused by women is equal to the square of the number of women in a man’s life.

9. I might have hinted subtly at this previously, but I want to be clear: you really do need to show me your tits. This is the main thing, really.

10. There is no point 10. I was going to write a point 10, but now I am distracted by a picture of a girl with no makeup and decent tits who doesn’t have an iPhone or a LV bag, and who isn’t shovelling gruel into her maw. The picture is of Mrs MyLaowai, and she is the gatekeeper. Basically, if you can get past her, you have a chance. Good luck with that, and keep sending me pictures of your tits. Thank you.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 44 Comments »

Children’s Corner

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Chinese Schoolgirls: what’s not to like? Knee socks, short skirts, and the ones who can run faster than their uncles are still virgins!

Mind you, there’s a lot of competition these days – schoolgirls are amongst the most sought-after of all girls in China, with businessmen, Party officials and the generally well-to-do all paying top dollar for them. Not that the schoolgirls see the money, mind you, because it almost invariably goes to the parents. Well, that’s fair enough I guess: it goes part-way towards making up for the disappointment of not having a boy child.

Of course, you don’t have to be rich to hire a schoolgirl. Oh no. Almost every middle- and high-school in China has a whack-shack located within fifty yards of the main gate, which is ideal when you understand that the schools supply both the employees and the customers. Not sure where to go? No problems – just follow the headmaster at lunchtime and he’ll lead you straight there.

So, here’s to schoolgirls. May they never lose their charm nor have their knee socks slip below their panties. And in the spirit of this tribute, I present you with a colouring-in competition (hint: the scarf is red):

First Prize: one week’s holiday in Hunan.
Second Prize: two week’s holiday in Hunan.
Judge’s decision is final, no correspondence will be entered into unless we can be arsed.

Posted in Pornography, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 8 Comments »

Protected: MyLaowai Exclusive: Zhang Ziyi Naked Sex Pics!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 18, 2009

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