Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

Pop Quiz: Who is Michael Chang?

a – A washed-up tennis player who is liked by everyone’s mother

b – A Chinaman living in the USA, on the payroll of the Chinese Communist Party, who occasionally writes unpaid articles for Asia Times Online, in the ‘Speaking Freely’ section.

c – All of the above

The correct answer of course, is ‘c’, though the character referred to in this post, is the one in ‘b’.

Michael Chang (real name is something probably unpronounceable) writes lovely little opinion pieces from time to time. His latest one, entitled ‘Let Us Now Praise Hu Jintao‘ (bless his cotton socks), is a real doozy. If I might be so bold as to quote from it:

[Hu] is a man of few empty words, preferring to let actions speak for him… He mingle[s] well with peasants, factory workers, retirees and students. He has been called “elder brother Hu” by millions of Chinese Internet users, a nickname denoting a strong sense of camaraderie and bonding; it is a genuine rarity in Chinese politics that the nation’s president can be identified as a “brother”.

Internationally, Hu has paid state visits to several dozen countries, lavishly doling out economic assistance without strings attached, signing trade agreements based on mutual needs, and offering technical assistance, especially in infrastructure construction, without getting involved in local politics. In some poor countries, especially on the Africa continent, he was hailed as a new descending “messiah”.

Under Hu’s administration, ably complemented by Premier Wen Jiabao, the reputation of China has soared to new heights. Never before in the history of mankind has a nation been under such tight scrutiny and attention by the rest of the world community, targeted for international intrigues and plots, mingled with jealousy, propaganda, innuendo, and outright lies about the Hu-Wen government, its policies, directions, and accomplishments.

… Even in its heyday, the US couldn’t muster such an awesome display of prestige.

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Hu Jintao is known as the ‘Butcher of Lhasa‘ by the Tibetan people for his deeds there, Mister Chang goes on a bit more in this vein, and waxes poetic indeed on the great victories Hu Jintao enjoyed in dealing with the SARS epidemic, the 2003 Hong Kong crisis, the Anti-Secession Law (which targets Taiwan), and the Harmonious Society that is China. The best bit, however, is this:

Under Hu’s and Wen’s leadership, China’s international standing has reached a new plateau, winning new friends and admirers. Its status as a responsible stakeholder has been certified time and again… China has earned the title of worldwide infrastructure builder… the facts remain that the Hu-Wen government has fundamentally changed the world’s view on China and changed the world as well, something that is truly unprecedented in the history of mankind.

Michael Chang, I hereby award you the MyLaowai Handkerchief Trophy, with which you can wipe the poo off the end of your nose. I’m even throwing in some sunscreen, to prevent you getting burned by the sunlight streaming out of Hu Jintao’s arsehole.

Michael Chang:  Twat.