Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for July, 2008

In 28 Days…

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 10, 2008

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Posted in China | 44 Comments »

Are You Chinese?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Are you Chinese? Just take this quick test to find out:

1. You look at a chicken, an animal that is 97.2% succulent meat, and all you can see are a few spine fragments and some claws. Mmmmm… Delicious!
+1 point

2. Read the following:
I was a terrorist who helped overthrow the legally elected government of my country. I then murdered or exiled my closest comrades and those who had helped me get to the top. I hold the title of Greatest Butcher in Human History, having killed more than 120 million people, more people than Hitler and Stalin combined – most of them citizens of my own country. I ordered the invasion of many neighbouring countries, annexed three of them, and ordered their populations massacred. I declared war on the United Nations, and tried to get nuclear weapons from the Russians because I actually wanted a nuclear war with the West. Who am I?
You have no idea who I am: +1 point
You know who I am, and think I’m great for kicking out the foreigners: +3 points
You can’t read: +1 point

3. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* Cold beer gives you stomach cancer.
* Four legs good, two legs b er, The East is Red!
* Pregnant women shouldn’t watch TV, to avoid damaging their baby’s eyes.
* China has always been a peaceful nation.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

4. You know that China invented the following:
* the compass
* gunpowder
* the wheelbarrow
* concrete
* the Olympic Games
* mountains
* oxygen
* grass
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

5. You can count to ten using the fingers of just one hand.
+1 point

6. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* “[my hometown] is very developing fast and beautiful”
* “Chinese food is best delicious food in world”
* “One world, one dream”
* “Western media is not honest”
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

7. Read the following passage:
Opium: an addictive drug grown by Chinese farmers, harvested and processed by Chinese workers, sold by Chinese Government officials to Chinese drug users, and exported by Chinese traders.
You read this, and immediately blame the British for the Opium Wars: +2 points

8. If it moves, you eat it. If it doesn’t move, you kick it until it moves.
+1 point

9. When asked to describe any animal or plant in the world, you start by saying how delicious it is. Then you run out of things to say.
+1 point

10. Geography Section. How many of the following are true?
* Africa is a country.
* Meiguo is the name of a country.
* China is the biggest country in the world.
* Himalaya is a biggest mountain in world.
* ‘Western’ is a country.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

How did you score?

0 points: Nope, you must be one of those no-good laowai we’ve been hearing about. HELLOOOO! Mind if I stare?

1-5 points: You’re not Chinese, but your mother and I are a little concerned. You could be a student.

6-10 point: No doubt you are a foreigner, but you probably think hutongs are cool places to live. Twat.

11-20 points: Borderline insanity at best, why not just shoot yourself now and send your family the bill for the bullet?

21+ You are Chinese. If you get to this part and you are still able to count higher without using your superfluous fingers and toes, congratulations. No doubt you will make a fine addition to the Fenqing Army. Why not go and eat a chicken claw and then beat your wife / husband to celebrate your cultural superiority?

Posted in China | 22 Comments »

Inner Peace

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A pastor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a
chocolets. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr piss.

Posted in China | 1 Comment »

ChinaDaily Headlines, July 3rd 2008

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 3, 2008

Our friends at that very-honest-and-diligent Party mouthpiece, ChinaDaily, had a brainfreeze today. Amongst the many wonderfully entertaining propaganda items on the front page, was this:

Sarkozy not wanted at Olympics, survey says

Chinese people do not want French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s to attend the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics, according to the results of a survey published on Wednesday.

Wu Yikang, chairman of the Shanghai Institute of European Studies, said Sarkozy’s inconsistency regarding China is not up to the standard of a thoughtful and responsible statesman.

“Sarkozy’s gesture of setting conditions for his attendance at the Beijing Olympics is an unfriendly move toward China. It shows his immaturity and carelessness as a politician,” Wu said in an interview with the Beijing-based Global Times. “The Chinese government will certainly not yield to his move,” Wu said.

“Some people are acting as if China is begging them to attend the Games,” Wu said.

That’s good, seeing as how the French President had already said he was thinking of not coming. I guess that makes him a safe target.

And this, too:

Chinese tourists say ‘no’ to France

The past few weeks has seen a sharp decline in the number of Chinese people traveling to France, the French Ambassador to China said on Monday.

“The number of visas issued to Chinese tourists has fallen by about two-thirds recently,” Herve Ladsous said at a press briefing.

“But I have spoken with Chinese tourism officials who told me the Chinese government has not issued any notices discouraging tourists from going to France, and I believe them,” Ladsous said.

Well, I have spoken to several travel agents, who all said that they had been instructed by the Chinese Communist Party not to accept bookings for tourist travel to France.

And of course, this one was entertaining:

Exporters face problem of defaulted payments

Chinese exporters, currently plagued by paper-thin profits, are threatened by another emerging problem of defaulted payments from foreign clients, economists said on Wednesday.

Poor dears. Those dishonest Laowai are at it again, apparently.

But this image topped the lot. It shows “members of China’s armed police demonstrating a rapid deployment during an anti-terrorist drill held in Jinan, capital of east China’s Shandong Province July 2, 2008, roughly one month ahead of the Beijing Olympics.”

Using Segway Personal Transporters. “Rapid” doesn’t even begin to say it.

Hahahahahahhahah! Go get ’em Sheriff!

Posted in China | 7 Comments »