Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘China’ Category

Are you a Man?

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 8, 2009

1. If you are over 38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent way too much of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and other equally suspicious ‘exercises’. And you’re probably on the Oprah diet, or whatever it’s called. Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog: “Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat: “Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re pitched, you’re so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any other such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, cigarettes, pipes, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public toilet or a piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out ‘chartreuse’ or you know what a ‘fressier’ is, you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel and you aren’t actually in a race, forget it: you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you hesitate to tell everyone on your email list that MyLaowai.com is your preferred blog, because you are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

Posted in China | 13 Comments »

The Decline of the West?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, January 5, 2009

We have enjoyed so much freedom for so long that we are perhaps in danger of forgetting how much blood it cost to establish the Bill of Rights.
– Felix Frankfurter

There’s this hypothetical guy, you’ve probably either met him or seen him around. If you’re anything like me, you may have mistakenly hired him, and been glad to see the back of him when you fired his ass for ineptitude a few months later. He was likely born in the seventies with a spoon in his mouth, possibly a silver spoon, but plastic is just as likely. He probably fancies himself as a musician or a writer or an artist, although he isn’t very talented at any of those things. He will tell you that he’s always had it tough, and that he learned about life at the school of hard knocks, but the truth is he never had to work thanks to Mommy and Daddy’s support. Following high school, and not having much in the way of a goal, he probably went to a second-tier university and studied a worthless degree in theatre or something equally meaningless.

He has, in all likelihood, written a number of short stories / poems / songs [* delete as appropriate], but became disenchanted at The System when editors and recording industry experts rejected them. He also fancies himself as a radical, a person who is fighting the system, and he is always happiest ‘hanging out’ at radical websites and blogs. He reads magazines such as Radical Magazine, and wishes his last name consisted of a single letter – ‘Z‘ would be just fine. He thinks Communism is a great concept that was failed by the people who ran the show, and there’s a good chance that, if he ever got a proper job, he’d be the one agitating for strikes all the time, because that’s far better than actually doing any work.

He came to Asia because he couldn’t fit in anywhere else, he teaches English because he refuses to get a real job, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he loved moody black and white photos of himself.

In Hong Kong, there is a name for people like him: FILTH. Failed In London, Try Hong Kong. China has more of these losers than one can shake a stick at, and they love it here. They love it because here they can pretend they are important, here they don’t have to be productive, here they can sit with their friends late at night in dimly lit apartments smoking weed and congratulating each other on not taking orders from The Man, and complaining about how the West is so bad. In a previous age, these people would have attempted to defect to the Soviet Union, although to be fair, the Russians were smart enough to see these useless idiots for what they were.

If this is what your average Chinese sees when he sees a foreigner, it’s no wonder they hate us so much.

It seems to me that a significant percentage of a certain generation meet the description of these toe rags, these whiners and arseholes who seem to think that the world owes them something, that they have a right to have their every whim catered for by society at large.

Well, I’ve got news for you, if you’re reading this: Society owes you squat. You have a right to think your own thoughts, except in those same Communist countries that you profess to love so much, that is. You have no right at all to tell others what they should be thinking. You have a right to shelter and food, but with that goes the right to get a job and pay for it yourself – you have no right whatsoever to expect that anyone else should pay for you. You have the right to do as you please, except where that gets in the way of other people’s rights, and you have the right to believe in any religion or political ideology you please – but not to ram that down anyone else’s throat. In short, you have the right of freedom. And that’s about it, Sparky. The Right to Freedom is a big one, bought at a high price, and the world owes you no additional favours, no extra debts, nothing. You have a right to freedom, and everything else, sonny, is charity.

I’ve a Theory on this. Stay with me.

You see, for much of human history, life was a struggle. There wasn’t enough shelter, there wasn’t enough food to go round, and what you had (including your freedom and your life) was at the mercy of anyone else who was stronger than you. The idea that you had ‘rights’ was utterly alien. The ancient Greeks had some nice ideas that set the ball rolling in this regard, and so did the Romans. The idea that a man could help himself by helping others was a good one, but it did take a while to catch on.

The Magna Carta, I reckon, was the real turning point. That was the moment when the King was forced to guarantee certain rights of his subjects, free or fettered, most notably that of habeas corpus. It came about when the Barons got together and forced the King to sign it. They could have simply replaced him – it was the done thing in those days – but they realised that by working together, they could effect a lasting change that would benefit all of them. The Magna Carta was a turning point, but it didn’t end there. In the centuries that followed, more and more people learned that the only way to freedom was to band together and demand it. Many, many people died in this pursuit of freedom, but they died in a greater cause, that of freedom for all. This idea of fighting for the freedom of others became so deeply ingrained in Western Culture, that in some ways it can be said to have become one of the defining characteristics of it.

In my mind, this fight wasn’t really won until the end of the twentieth century, when the West had fought and won the war against fascism on a global battlefield, and then gone on to declare victory over Communism. Sure, there are still some pockets of resistance against freedom in Africa and Asia – China is the best example – but at the same time people in the West had won freedom from want, and that’s the key point I’m getting to. There was suddenly enough food that everyone would not starve, enough housing that everyone had a place to live, sufficiently robust rule of law that everyone could expect protection from it. Everyone had access to an education, everyone had the chance to better themselves regardless of social class, and everyone had access to more and better information than ever before. They also had, for the first time in history, a reasonable expectation that their freedom could not be taken away by anyone else on the basis of strength. Put simply, the fight was pretty much over.

The problem is, that the idea of fighting for freedom is so deeply ingrained in Western civilisation, it doesn’t just go away once the fight is over. When your society has been doing something for a thousand years, there’s a certain inertia that keeps it doing that thing, even when the reason for doing it has gone away.

Our subject, the tyre-kicker I introduced at the beginning, is still fighting, and he doesn’t know how to stop. He has been born into a society that has achieved everything his ancestors fought and died for, and he is living at the very pinnacle of progress thus far. There is no one left to fight, and no thing to fight for, so now he has turned inwards and had begun fighting against the very ideals that gave him more from birth than any other culture in the history of the world has ever had. He is fighting for the sake of fighting, and in doing so, is attempting to destroy that which made his civilisation greater than any that has come before.

I pity this person. I pity him, and I feel sorry for him, but I do not want to see him succeed. The West cannot afford to see him succeed, because the alternative is very much like what I see every day in China: brutal totalitarianism and an utter disregard for the rights of any man to freedom in the smallest degree.

I’m an optimist, however. I see signs that people like him are increasing in terms of noise output, but I think I can see light at the end of this particular tunnel, too. We in the West may have lost our way somewhat, but we have always found our way back into the light when things got bad. I think history will look back on these times and judge that the West found itself a second wind, and that the aberrant behaviour of some was merely a temporary sickness that soon passed.

It isn’t hard for us to do – we have the talent, we have the knowledge, and we have the freedom to do the right things with them.

And when the chips are down, it’s that freedom that makes the difference.

Men fight for liberty and win it with hard knocks. Their children, brought up easy, let it slip away again, poor fools. And their grandchildren are once more slaves.
– D.H. Lawrence

Posted in China | 71 Comments »

Yes We Can!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 1, 2009

Winner, China Blog Awards, 2008

Best overall China blog for the year 2008 is Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

We did it, and I am exceptionally pleased to be saying so. And what’s more, there are a few people I’d like to thank:

Chinalyst, obviously, for hosting this award again. It’s a fair bit of work and she does it well. She also has a fairly readable blog herself, so do yourself a favour and read it from time to time.

You. You lot must have been clicking away at the voting counter so hard your mouses mice controllers have melted. Just don’t blame me for your carpal tunnel syndrome. I actually didn’t get many chances to vote for myself, so it really is appreciated that y’all picked up the slack for me. Thanks once again.

And, of course, China. Without you, old friend, I’d never have found the inspiration to carry on. Throughout this last year, whenever I’ve found myself out of inspiration, you’ve been the one who butchered Tibetans, or who gave more weapons to Sundanese and Zimbabwean despots. It was you who brought out the best in me, even as you brought out the worst in your own people. It was your propaganda that helped me to reach these lofty heights during the most awful months of this year, when all there was to see / read / hear was the Genocide Olympics. And it was your own fenqing, your darling sons and daughters of the New Cultural Revolution, who provided me with so much mirth in the form of hollow threats. So it is most of all to you, China, that I dedicate this poke in the eye award.

And so where now from here? It’s been a good contest, and as I said, I’m exceptionally pleased with the outcome. So pleased in fact, that it seems a pity to let it all end here, with just a JPEG to remember it by. So this is what I propose, and I do most sincerely hope all of you get behind it with the same enthusiasm you showed when voting for me:

We get Top Gear – the BAFTA, multi-NTA and International Emmy Award-winning BBC television series – to come out to China and do a special here. Please write to the lads, and beg them to come. You can now say with a high degree of confidence that the winner of the China Blog Awards is on his knees every night praying for it to happen.

Don’t Delay – Write Today!

The online contact form can be found here, at the bottom of the page. Alternatively, write to them at:

Top Gear
Zone B, Energy Centre 2nd Floor, BBC Media Village,
201 Wood Lane, London W12 7TN

If enough of us write, they’ll be bound to notice. Can we pull it off? Yes, We Can!

Thank you.

In other, related, news… Thanks also are due to those of you who were kind enough to write a Guest Post during the year. If you have something to say, and you possess the ability to say it with reasonable grammar, please drop me a line at MyLaowai@gmail.com.

Posted in China | 22 Comments »

Happy Chrismschanukwanzikah!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Chrismschanukwanzikah!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the recipient of said wish.

By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Merry Xmas from the MyLaowai Christmas Crew

Posted in China | 4 Comments »

Porn Review: Kappa Slut in Cum All Ye Faithful

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I just downloaded and watched the Kappa Slut’s video. I just wasted 12 minutes of my life that I will never get back, and I’m not happy about it. I’d have been better off having a shit. But hey, at least now I can do my famous-in-the-world XXXmas Porn Review, right?

So, the plot: There’s this Shanghainese (presumably) whore with a face like a box of frogs who has all the warmth and charm of a lemon that lost a fight with a mangle. She runs naked into the room, and proceeds to suck off a very young boy – judging by the size of his cocktail stick, he’s probably a kindergärtner. I’ve seen bigger dicks in J-Porn, honestly. It’s pathetic. Then she spits the lot out, which is an absolute no-no in any setting.

The cast: Well, first off, we have Kappa Slut. She’s not particularly good-looking as you may have already gathered. Her features are suggestive of a dog that chased a parked bus and caught it at high speed. She has a noxious growth of long vile hair in the nether regions that would have had Stanley and Livingston reaching for their jungle machetes, and a pair of hopelessly thin chopsticks in place of legs. I’ll admit that she has charleys that meet the minimum standards, but they are shaped like sacks of wet flour and do little to impress. Then we have the Stud, a wastrel of a boy with an unwashed weiner and a stained pair of Y-front undercrackers, who doesn’t last more than a few minutes before getting shot of his mucky water.

The verdict: Zero out of Ten. Go and watch Goo 4 Two if you want to see something with some genuine porn value, or Flesh Gordon for those amongst you who are nostalgic. Even Schindlers Fist and Saving Ryan’s Privates had more class than this rubbish.

Merry Christmas or, as they say in China, Happy Receive Gifts Day.
Vote MyLaowai or the Panda gets it!

Posted in China | 4 Comments »

Help the CIA to Make a Difference

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, December 20, 2008

This is an appeal to all my readers, on behalf of one of our favourite Agents in the field.

It seems that our Agent, whom we shall refer to as Agent X from America, even though his name is Michael and he lives in China, has gotten himself noticed by the Enemy, who have declared a fatwa on him. A recent intel report from Agent X quoted sources deep inside XXXXXXXXXX and XXXXX XXXXXXXX. As a result of this, the Enemy have been saying bad things about our Agent, and this simply cannot be tolerated.

By way of paying back these potty-mouthed fenqing for their affrontery, Spymaster MyLaowai is requesting you dedicate your Sunday Vote to improving his standing in the China Blog Awards. Maybe your Monday Vote, too. Whatever, the point is to get our man ahead in the polls. Your vote for him won’t hurt me, as he is in the News section.

Vote here, please.

You are dismissed now – please close the door on your way out.

Posted in China | 5 Comments »

A Christmas Carol

Posted by chouchoulaowai on Saturday, December 20, 2008

AWAY IN ZHONGNANHAI
(to the tune of ‘Away in a Manger’)

Away in Zhongnanhai,
No tears for the proles shed,
The Chinese Party Chairman,
Dyed his grey haired head.

The stars on the red flag,
Looked down where he embezzled,
The stalwart Chinese economy,
Was starting to look disheveled.

The foreigners are going,
The milk products are fakes,
But the Chinese Party Chairman,
No reforms he makes.

I ask thee, Party Chairman,
What are you gonna do?
Your factories are closing,
And your surname is Hu.

How bad is this recession,
How deep and how long?
But there’s little you can do,
When your people are all Wong.

But chin up, Party Chairman,
Though all is not bright,
The Western economies,
Are e-qual-ly sh*te.

Posted in China | Leave a Comment »

Santa Claus

Posted by pipilaowai on Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Santa Claus is coming to always in town.

For all of you out there, adults and children alike, waiting for Santa Claus to visit your comfy Chinese homes well, I’m afraid there’s some bad news. Santa was refused a visa this year! It was announced on the China Daily website that “due to continued strong enforcement of the visa regulations during the wind down from the most successful Olympics ever, Mr. Claus and his reindeers were refused visas. Mr. Claus has been under investigation for a long time and is suspected of smuggling goods across international borders in order to avoid paying import duty and VAT to the people of China.” When questioned about how Santa could be expected to pay import duty on goods that he intends to give away free of charge, it was pointed out that “giving goods away free of charge is considered the actions of charitable institutions” and that “Santa Claus is not registered as a Charity in China”.

Other reasons cited were that the Reindeer didn’t have the correct and certified quarantine and vaccination documents from the authorities and were considered a health risk. Rudolph is apparently exempt these procedures because his nose proves that he is of Chinese origins and a strong committed communist party member. It was also pointed out on the website that the great majority of the goods that Mr. Claus transports for distribution are toys and the safety of the public is a concern as there was no paperwork submitted with the visa application that detailed the country of origin of the toys and China was not prepared to reimport the shit it had exported.

However, there’s more to this story and we must not forget that the real Santa is Chinese and is with us everyday. As the roughly translated famous Chinese Christmas song says,

You better watch out
You better not lie
You better not vote
I’m telling you why
‘Santa Claus’ is always in town

He’s making a list,
Checking it twice;
Gonna find out who’s not getting rice.
‘Santa Claus’ is always in town

He sees you when you are blogging
And when you’re reading the news
He knows if you’ve been surfing porn
So be good and hide your views

Etc.

Remember, next time you sign a contract to stay in China, there’s no such thing as a Sanity Clause.
Marry Christmas Lah

Posted in China | 4 Comments »

Today’s Pointless Whinge About The Locals…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 16, 2008

.
Toothpaste for Dinner

Posted in China | Leave a Comment »

What’s that buzzing?

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, December 12, 2008

I’ve got a bit of a bee in my bonnet. I’m feeling peevish, irritable and testy. Or, put another way, acrimonious, cantankerous, captious, cranky, cross, crotchety, fractious, grouchy, grumpy, ill-natured, mean, ornery, out-of-sorts, pertinacious, querulous, splenetic, and tetchy.

For the benefit or those who only speak Microsoft English, this means I’m pissed (a phrase which means ‘drunk’ throughout the civilised world and even in parts of Australia, and the fact that I’m sober isn’t helping any).

It isn’t because ChinaDaily has this headline:

Ethnic Chinese tipped as US energy chief

Secretary of Labor Elaine Lan Chao will go out with the Bush administration next month – but there is likely to be another ethnic Chinese in the US Cabinet.

Comment: It is very gratifying to know that the new American administration has chosen one of us the Chinese to be a member of the government at the White House.
This shows that the Chinese people have genetic wisdom and endowed with natural intelligence and they are in public offices all over the world from north to south and east to west.
Cheers and congratulations Nobel Laureate Chu…!

And it isn’t because the lead story in every paper in the nation is:

Experts debate China’s role in Somalia mission

Chinese military strategists and international relations experts are debating whether China should dispatch its navy to the troubled waters off Somalia.

The debate was first kicked off by Major-General Jin Yinan of the National Defense University, when he told a radio station last week that “nobody should be shocked” if the Chinese government one day decides to send navy ships to deal with the pirates.

[…]

China has never dispatched any troops for combat missions overseas.

Comment: Chinese Liberation Army should exercise more abroad, because it is important to play a more energetic role in international affairs.Furthermore, China has not military combat for a long time, which is not helpful to miltitary [sic] capacity of the Navy.

No, it isn’t either of those ChinaDaily articles. It’s bloody CNN, and their bullshit, emotional appeals to the good people of the world to visit their website and get ideas for helping the poor sick people of North Korea, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Burma, and just about everywhere else a brutal dictator has his people by the short and curlies.

Fine. Play it your way. Help these people. Send money and food and medicine and whatever the hell else your charitable heart can suggest. Try to ignore the fact that your donations go directly towards propping up bastards like Robert Mugabe, General Than Shwe, Omar Hassan, and Kim Jong Il. Try not to think about the fact that, even if you did save thousands of people, they’d never know it was you, and would never thank you if they did. Definitely don’t think about how their children will grow up hating your children. So yeah, go ahead.

Alternatively, you could try addressing the problem directly, and shooting the motherfuckers who are in charge of the whole god-damned mess and who never seem to get called out. What’s that? You’re not squeamish, are you? What do you mean, we can’t just shoot people we don’t like?

Why the fuck not? We don’t hesitate to kill their civilian populations by the villageful. Why not just simply earmark a single JDAM to the task, and blow these evil cunts into small, sticky pieces? Try to think of any collateral damage as bonus points. Their people will thank you for it, trust me.

And here’s the real kicker: Just who is it that keeps these evil, sadistic butchers in power? Look at that list again, and see what they have in common, in terms of their friends… Which nation supports them all militarily, financially, and politically?

Correct. Grow some balls and earmark one of those JDAM’s for Beijing, chaps, while you’re at it.

And now it is time to get pissed drunk. Merry Christmas, bah humbug!

Vote MyLaowai or the Panda gets it!

Posted in China | 6 Comments »