Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘Brown Nose Award’ Category

Jackie “I am a Douche” Chan

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, January 12, 2013

A reader writes:
You simply must write a piece on the utter sellout doucheness of Jackie “CCP Sycophant” Chan!!

Jackie Chan, or Chan Kong San as he was named at birth, is the action star of many advertisements for excellent products. Here are a few:
Jackie's Weak Ads
Wow. Imagine being the proud owner of a product (produced using a ‘Renowned Family of Traditional Chinese Herbs’) that “Makes Hair Naturally Dark and Shiny with all its [sic] Strength”. Hey, if Jackie uses that shit, it’s gotta be good, right? I’m sold.

But there’s more to Mister Chan than meets the eye. He is, for instance, a musical star. Of various Canto-pop songs. And Mando-pop, whatever that is. Probably it isn’t what normal people think of as music. But wait, there’s more. He was born in Hong Kong, which was a part of the British Empire until Great Britain gave Hong Kong to Red China (very much against the wishes of the people living there, it must be said). His parents were in fact refugees from China, who had fled to Hong Kong because it was, quite frankly, a better place in every possible way, much as it is today. He didn’t do very well at school, but he did better as a stuntman and as an extra in a few films, most of which were only moderately successful. The films in which he played a starring role were all commercial flops, however. His real breakthrough, his first film to make any money, was a porn-flick entitled All In The Family. At this point, as far as I am concerned, the story should have ended, but he went on to do another porn-flick entitled The Shinjuku Incident, after which he wisely emigrated to Australia. Anyway, one thing led to another and he made a few more films, some of which actually didn’t fail much. He eventually married a citizen of Taiwan, and they had a son. Jackie doesn’t admit to being the father of his other child, who was born out of an affair. I think that’s pretty fucking weak as it happens, but hey, when you are a Big Star, what do you care if you are a douche, right?

But all that is neither here nor there. Jackie Chan is a person who was born in a free country, raised in another free country, married a woman from yet another free country, and made his money selling films to a variety of free countries. However, he sees nothing wrong in selling out the citizens of any number of free countries if he thinks it will benefit him personally. And sell them out he does:
2004, Shanghai: “[the free elections in Taiwan are] the biggest joke in the world.”
2008, Olympic Torch Relay: “Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me.”
2009, BOAO Forum: “…in the 10 years after Hong Kong’s return to Chinese rule, I can gradually see, I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not… If you’re too free, you’re like the way Hong Kong is now. It’s very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic… I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”
2010, botched hostage rescue in Manila: “If they killed the guy sooner, [protestors] will say why not negotiate first? If they negotiate first, they ask why not kill the guy sooner?”
2012, Hong Kong: “demonstrators’ rights in Hong Kong should be limited.”

Now, I’m not saying this guy is all bad. He isn’t. He actually does do quite a lot of good, charitable things. But he is still a douche. That’s just a FACT. Not convinced? When he was recently accused of not being a real man, he claimed he had frightened away the Triads with grenades and machine guns, yet when the Police then expressed an interest in speaking to him about this slight breach of the peace, he mumbled that he’d been making up porkies. Sounds like a douche to me, folks.

Anyway, make you own minds up. For my part, he is a feckless, bedwetting fucktard. And his Kung Fu is Weak.
Jackie Chan is Fucked

Advertisements

Posted in Brown Nose Award, Democracy, Human Rights, Media | 8 Comments »

A Literary Lunch with Gavin Menzies

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, October 9, 2009

LITERARY LUNCH

Fruity Whackjob Gavin Menzies:
The Chinese Contribution to Global History

Friday, October 16, 12.30pm

1434forweb.jpg

RMB 188, includes rotting tofu for lunch

RSVP
reservations@propaganda.dept.cn

Enjoy a delicious three-course lunch of rotting tofu as
bestselling author Gavin Menzies, author of 1421 and 1434,
paints a portrait of the Chinese contribution to
global history in the 15th century,
“a historical detective story,”
according to the People’s Daily News
Menzies will share his research on how admiral
Zheng He set sail for the new world before
the European age of discovery
(1421: The Year China Discovered the World)
and his latest book,
1434: The Year a Magnificent Chinese Fleet Sailed to
Italy and Ignited the Renaissance

that traces the roots of the European Renaissance to China.

Book signing will follow.

About the Author:

Author Gavin Menzies was born in England and lived in China for two years before the Second World War. He loved China so much that he joined the Royal Navy in 1953 and spied on his mates in submarines from 1959 to 1970. Since being kicked out of the Royal Navy for incompetence, he has returned to China to be paid many times, and in the course of his research, he has become despised in 120 countries and banned from more than 900 museums, libraries, and major seaports of the late Middle Ages.

Upcoming Literary Events
___________

Alternative Literary Cultures in Australia

Saturday, October 31, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water

********

AUTHOR TALK:
Martin Jacques – When China Rules the World:
The Rise of the Middle Kingdom
and the End of the Western World

Wednesday, November 4, 6pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water

********

AUTHOR TALK:
Colm Toibin – Brooklyn

Sunday, November 8, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of weak piss

Posted in Brown Nose Award, China, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 24 Comments »