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Archive for the ‘Media’ Category

The Funniest Thing I’ve Read In Yonks

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, December 8, 2011

The 56 Best/Worst Similes


He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.


He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

And many, many more…

Posted in Media | 1 Comment »

Chinese Toddler etcetera

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, October 22, 2011

It’s big news: little Wang Yue Yue, the “two-year-old girl in southern China, who was run over by two vans and ignored by 18 passers-by”, has died. Every newspaper and television station in the world, it seems, has picked up the story. The thing is, most of them seem to have left a few points out of their analysis…

1. Yue Yue. This means ‘Happy Happy”. What the hell kind of parents name their kid “Happy Happy”? Were they really that fucking short of ideas? Or did they just not give a shit what their kid was called as long as he/she/it could grow up and earn a pension for them? Seriously, how crap must parents be to name their loin-spawn “Happy Happy”? The mind boggles.

2. What was a two-year-old doing playing on the road? The road, where trucks and stuff go driving past. You know, where two-year-old kids could be, for example, run over. Did the parents just kind of not appreciate that two-year-olds and roads are not a brilliant combination? Huh?

3. Is there anyone in the world who believes for a single second that this doesn’t happen every day in China? If so, you are a touch naive, my friend. This is how it works: Some baby / old geezer / idiot [delete as appropriate] wanders out into a street / highway / service lane. Truck / car / taxi runs them over. Said vehicle usually drives off, with the driver not being aware of the fact the the bump in the road was made of meat because he, too, is a fucking retard like all his shit-for-brains cuntrymen, but on the off-chance that the driver does know what happened, said vehicle will stop, reverse over the now-much-easier-to-hit target in order to make sure of the job, before then driving off. After all, a dead person is cheaper to pay out for than an injured one if you are ever caught, which you won’t be, because nobody actually gives a damn about anyone else. Home of civilisation my arse.

4. If “Happy Happy” had grown up, is there actually anyone who believes that she would have been any different? No. And why is that? Because she would have been a selfish, nasty, spiteful bitch like every other person she is likely to have met. In twenty years, it could well have been her behind the wheel.

5. There is not a single fucking person in China who actually gives one single, solitary groat’s worth of shit about this. Don’t mistake the “I’ve been shedding tears for this little angel for a week now” comments for actual truth. Even the parents, now that they know they will be well-compensated and can have a shot at a boy-child, are unlikely to care much. In fact, apart from some well-intentioned but foolish laowais, the only people in China who will even remember this in a week are the retards who were driving, but in two weeks they’ll have been executed for their organs, which will leave no one. But hey, by then we’ll have another story to distract the masses from their anti-government protests.

6. “Happy Happy”? I mean, really? Jesus that’s fucked. I’m still getting to grips with how fucktarded Chinese parents are. What the hell kind of a name is that? Really?

7. In other parts of the world, even stray dogs care more about each other than do Chinese for each other: YouTube video here

8. Various newspapers are prattling on about how this incident has “sparked a wave of soul-searching on China’s social networking sites”. Bullshit. Chinese people have no soul, and if they did, they wouldn’t be going to the trouble of searching it. If they had a soul, it would be small, dark, and slimy. It would smell of sulphur. I’ve never even heard of a Chinese actually giving a shit about anything that didn’t happen to them personally. Soul searching? Who are you trying to kid?

9. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but sad as it may seem that some kid has died, at least now it won’t breed another generation of the Enemy. Forget the One-Child Policy, what we need in this place is a No-Child Policy, rigorously enforced for, oh, about the next sixty years or so. A great many problems will then solve themselves, especially if you are Uighur or Tibetan or Vietnamese or Indian or… well, you get the point.

10. There is a lesson for all of us in this: Don’t play with trucks.
10.1 Also,: Don’t get injured in China.
10.2 And: Give your kid a name that isn’t crap. Fuck man, “Happy Happy”? I mean, really?

Posted in Human Rights, Media, Newsflash, Rules of the Road | 96 Comments »

Shenzhen Welcomes The World

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, August 12, 2011

From the South China Morning Post:

The airport will close, roads are blocked, banks and public services have been suspended for four days, and helicopters can be seen hovering above 20,000 paramilitary police sent to every corner of Shenzhen.

Taking every precaution imaginable, Shenzhen will kick off the World University Games, also known as the Universiade, today.

President Hu Jintao arrived in Shenzhen yesterday afternoon to attend the Games’ opening ceremony scheduled for today, Xinhua reported. But he may not have a chance to address many locals, as authorities announced that no tickets to the opening and closing ceremonies would be sold to the public.

As part of ramped-up security measures, Shenzhen Baoan International Airport will be closed for four hours from 7pm to 11pm during the opening and closing ceremonies scheduled for today and August 23, The Southern Metropolis News reported. With an average of 36 flights an hour handled at the airport, about 290 flights are expected to be affected by the closures.

Residents of luxurious apartments close to the stadium have been asked to leave their homes for five hours for security reasons during the opening ceremony, but to switch on the lights before they leave. Authorities said each household would be compensated for the power.

Additionally, more than 80,000 people deemed security risks have been kicked out of Shenzhen, and migrant workers have been warned not to petition, gather publicly or use any “abnormal methods” to seek unpaid salaries during the Games.

All these measures are Shenzhen’s way of welcoming the rest of the world. And the city no doubt took a cue from the way Beijing cracked down on potential risks ahead of the 2008 Olympics.

Posted in Media, Olympics | 6 Comments »

Burial At Sea

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, May 8, 2011

Being buried at sea is an old, established, and very tradition method of being buried. Sir Francis Drake was buried at sea, as was Sir Edmund Hillary and Alfred Hitchcock. Lots of Hollywood stars have been buried at sea, as were quite a few passengers aboard the RMS Titanic. And now, we have a new celebrity joining the list:

Nice one, Navy.

Posted in Media, Motivational! | Leave a Comment »

Where for art thou, Falling Cow?

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, December 10, 2010

A good mate of mine, a local laddie who hates this place even more than I do, once said to me: “Do you know why we say Confucius? Because he very confuse us!”

Yeah, well, by Chinese standards that was very funny and probably qualifies as Joke of the Year. And, like all great comedy (and trust me on this one, that really was great comedy. It had them rolling in the aisles in Hefei) it contains more than an ounce of truth.

I reckon anyone who says “Man go through airport security sideways going to Bangkok” must know what he’s on about.

But he was a funny old geezer, that Confucius. Mad as a hatter, of course, and like all great Chinese in history, as bent as a nine bob note. He wore a dress, did you know that? And kept a small stable of young boys for his, ahem, entertainment. And he was forever going around saying things like “Man with one chopstick go hungry”. No one understood him then, and no one understands him now.

Despite this, however, Confucius apparently did understand his fellow Chinese rather well, as illustrated by this wee gem: “If the people be led by laws, and uniformity sought to be given them by punishments, they will try to avoid the punishment, but have no sense of shame”. “An oppressive government is more feared than a tiger” is another tasty morsel at his feast of wisdom.

I think Confucius would have understood all too well the morals and motivations of China’s present ruling dynasty, but I’m not entirely certain that he would have approved of his name being associated with a world-wide spy network, or a charlatan ‘prize’. That said, he would without any doubt have laughed his ass off at the clowns who handed out that prize last night…

The so-called ‘Confucius Peace Prize’ was created by the mandarins in Peking last week in order to show the world that people from Norway are bad. Or something along those lines; it never was terribly clear what the award was actually for, which is just one more reason why my friend’s joke is so apt. Something about the Chinese viewpoint of peace, I think, which means putting people in prison if they look at you funny.

The nominees were: the 11th Panchen Lama (selected by Peking after the real 11th Panchen Lama was made to disappear), a Chinese poet no one has ever heard of before (but who conveniently holds a post at the Ministry of Culture), and six ‘international figures’ who were not actually named. But the winner, who was selected after a nationwide online poll that organisers later admitted didn’t take place, was former Taiwanese vice-president Lien Chan. Chan wasn’t there to receive the prize, because he “was unaware he had been chosen or even that there was such a prize named after the famed Chinese sage”, according to his office. And so, his prize was given instead to a six-year-old girl. No one knows anything about her, except that she is the daughter of one of the committee members, and he is now taking care of the RMB$100,000 prize money for her. Questioned by reporters as to the nominee selection process, the committee chairman replied it was “a very long and complicated process. We can discuss this in the future”. He then departed hastily.

Chinese authorities have denied that this award is in any way linked to the highly respected Nobel Peace Prize, awarded this year to Liu Xiaobo for his two decades of non-violent struggle for human rights, saying “Norway is only a small country with scarce land area and population … it must be in the minority in terms of other relatively large numbers concerning the conception of freedom and democracy”. Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokeswoman Jiang Yu said: “those people at the Nobel committee have to admit they are in the minority. The Chinese people and the overwhelming majority of people in the world oppose what they do.”

Confucius would have loved it. And the Nobel Committee will have the last laugh of all.

But nobody goes away empty handed at MyLaowai (the internally-renowned and very-famous-in-the-world award-winning scholarly resource). And so I dedicate this Falling Cow Award to the assclowns in Peking who seem to think the rest of us are all too stupid to see them for the yellow-tailed bamboo monkeys that they are. China, the joke’s on you.

And my deepest respects to Liu Xiaobo and the thousands of other genuine peace activists who are now either under house arrest or are languishing in Chinese prisons. Because if this country is to have any future at all, it lies with them and not with the thugs and criminals who are currently in charge.

Falling Cow Award
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Posted in Democracy, Falling Cow Zone, Human Rights, Media | 88 Comments »

How Wet Thou Art, Pussy!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 19, 2010

Well now, Lee Hannon, it seems you have been a bad boy recently. A very bad boy indeed. Been working for ChinaDaily, have we? Tsk, tsk. As the Chief Editor no less, according to your LinkedIn profile, although ChinaDaily themselves say you are a mere ‘journalist’. My word, Mister Hannon, you have been stretching some truths, haven’t you? Naughty, naughty.

But hey, it’s cool with us. We don’t mind if you get your kicks by licking a Panda’s arse, and we don’t really care if you do love the Party more then you love your own family, because it takes all sorts to make the world go round, and even treasonous vipers like yourself have a place in society. Granted, that place is swinging from the end of a rope tied to your gentleman’s vegetables at one end and a lamp post at the other, but it’s a place nonetheless.

I was, however, interested to read a recent article in which you slagged off England, the nation of your birth. In it, you said words to the effect that the UK was not a good place for tourists to visit during the next Olympic Games. As evidence, you cited the Anholt-GfK Roper Nation Brands Index on the quality of welcome offered to visitors, in which the UK ranked 14th. You probably thought you were quite safe in doing so, as this Index is not widely available for public consumption.

You obviously read the report thoroughly, right? I mean to say, it would hardly be responsible of you to not have read it from cover to cover, agreed?

You made a point of bemoaning the fact that, in the particular category quoted, the UK ranked 14th. Where did your beloved China rank, I wonder? But wait, it would appear that I have a copy of the report myself. Let’s just have a look, shall we? Oh yes, here we are…

Overall Nation Brands Index
UK 4th
China 22nd

Exports Index
– contribution to innovation
– effect on attitudes towards ‘country of origin’
– degree of creativity

UK 4th
China 17th (quality of products 45th)

– competently and honestly governed
– respect and fair treatment of it’s citizens
– responsible behaviour in international peace and security
– responsible environmental protection
– responsible for reducing world poverty

UK 7th
China 49th (just in front of Iran, in last place)

– sports
– cultural heritage
– music, films, art, literature

UK 4th
China 7th

– friendly towards visitors
– other people want them as friends
– valuable employees

UK 6th
China 35th (but hey, up from 41st, which is good)

– people would like to visit
– rich in natural beauty
– rich in historic buildings
– vibrant city life

UK 5th
China 19th

Immigration & Investment
– foreigners want to live there
– quality of life
– good place to study
– businesses worth investing in
– equal opportunities

UK 4th
China 33rd

Special Category: Contribution to Global Recovery from the Economic Crisis
UK 3rd
China 11th

There’s something else worth noting about this report, and that is that the authors have a website on which you can see how ordinary people around the world rated cities and countries across the globe, including their own.

This is how the Chinese people (and Lee Hannon) ranked Beijing:
Most important city in the world (with Shanghai 2nd and Shenzhen 3rd. Hong Kong 4th, of course.)
Best services and accommodation in the world
Best people in the world
Most lively city in the world
Most opportunities in the world

However, China was the only country in which it’s citizens were not allowed to give their opinion on their own country. I find that telling.

What I find equally telling, is that you, Mister Hannon, have lied through your back teeth whilst in the service of the Party. You have crossed the line, sunshine. The Wet Pussy Award is given to those bottom-feeders who “actively seek out ways to support the Han Regime, who publicly side with the Chinese Communist Party… A great many of these sympathisers work […] in the entertainment industry, and most show their support by […] agreeing in public with the position the Han regime takes on anything and everything […] they [also] do the ‘look at the stupid Laowai’ entertainment shows in which Han Chinese are shown to be superior to the nasty barbarian foreigners.”

Mister Hannon, I believe you qualify in the worst possible way, and I award you this Wet Pussy for being a complete and utter toe-rag, wastrel, scumbag, and all-round traitor to humanity. You’d better hope you never meet me in a bar, because I’ll have your guts for my garters, sparky.

Mister Lee Hannon, Wet Pussy Winner.
I hope you die of cancer.

Posted in ChinaDaily, Lies & Damned Lies, Media, Olympics, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 14 Comments »

Men Are Better Than Women

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, February 26, 2010

Funniest. Blog. Ever.

Posted in Media | Leave a Comment »

Which China Are YOU Dealing With?

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 13, 2009

There was a very good Op-Ed piece in the Sydney Morning Herald the other day, by a bloke named Peter Hartcher. You can find it here. In it, he talks about China’s behaviour towards Australia of late. He’s right with everything he says.

But here’s the bit that gives me the screaming heebies – his last paragraph reads:

“This is a powerful wake-up call for Australia. The China we must live with is not the China we thought we were dealing with.”

I’m sorry, Mister Hartcher, but just exactly which China did you (and the rest of the world) think you were dealing with last year? Obviously not the China that keeps millions of people imprisoned without trial in slave labour camps – the infamous Laogai. Clearly not the China that exports the industrial output of those same slave labour camps at such low and attractive prices. I’m sure it wasn’t the same China that is the worlds largest exporter of collagen (used in lipsticks and other cosmetics), the same collagen that is taken from human skin torn from the bodies of still-living political prisoners. And not the same China that then uses the organs from those same prisoners to turn a healthy profit. Hopefully not the same China that worships that man who murdered more than a hundred and twenty million of his own people.

Was it the China that has the world’s largest standing army? The one with a track record of having invaded virtually every single neighbour in the last sixty years? The one that annexed three neighbouring countries and has since proceeded to nearly exterminate their native peoples? The one with an ambitious nuclear weapons program (and a publicly stated desire to use those weapons against the West)? The one with the world’s largest military manned space program? The one with territorial claims on Taiwan, South Korea, Japan, India, Vietnam, the Philippines, Hawaii, New Zealand and Australia? Is that the China you were referring to? Surely not.

Or, how about the China the prides itself on prohibiting you from selling ninety nine percent of your products there? The China that, in turn, exports to you poisonous food, dangerous children’s toys, exploding tyres, lethal dairy products, and tainted animal feed. The China that welcomes foreign investment under the condition that it gets to steal your trade secrets and then kicks you out on your ear. That China, perhaps? No?

I’m confused, Mister Hartcher. Which China did you think you were dealing with?

Posted in China, Media | 4 Comments »

Corruption? Bribery? Judicial Independance?

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 24, 2009

The Chinese Communist Party, under the leadership of Chairman Hu Jintao, is warning Australia to keep out of China’s ‘internal affairs’ in the case of the Rio Tinto employess who are being held hostage for political reasons. China Daily, the Party mouthpiece, has had the following headlines recently:

Australia urged to treat Rio Tinto spy case ‘properly’

China urges Australia to respect judicial sovereignty

Australia urged to respect judicial sovereignty in Rio case

It seems the Chinese take a dim view of bribery and corruption, and want to be seen to be taking a hard stance. Strange, therefore, that all news of the Nuctech case is being blocked.

Wait, Nuctech? What’s that?

Chinese Govt. mum on $3.7 million fraud
THE Chinese Embassy has declined to comment on the $3.7 million X-Ray equipment fraud involving Chinese manufacturer Nuctech Company, despite the fact that it is headed by Hu Haifeng, the 38-year old son of Chinese President Hu Jintao.

The official spokesperson of the Chinese Embassy in Windhoek, who preferred to be named only as Mr. Yang told [the press] that the embassy was not prepared to say more than: “We will take the necessary steps.”

The charges are connected to a contract for the supply of security scanners to the Ministry of Finance. It was awarded to a Chinese company, Nuctech Company, and was marred by alleged corruption and the payment of kickbacks to the tune of as much as a third of the contract price of some $3.7 million.

Search engines in China, including Google Inc.’s local site, are blocking news on a graft case in Namibia involving a company once headed by the son of President Hu Jintao.

Hu Haifeng is the former president of Beijing-based Nuctech Co., a maker of security scanners involved in a corruption probe in Namibia.  Investigators want to talk to him to get information about the company.

A search on Google’s Chinese Web site using the characters for “Hu Haifeng” and “Namibia” results in the following message in Chinese: “The search results may involve material that may not be in accordance with relevant laws and regulations, unable to display.”

The restrictions show the extent to which the government is working to contain news of the case, which may embarrass President Hu as he cracks down on official corruption. A Beijing court this month gave a suspended death sentence for bribery to Chen Tonghai, former chairman of China Petroleum & Chemical Corp., Asia’s largest refiner.

“Google’s operations in all countries worldwide must comply with local laws, regulations and policies,” said Marsha Wang, a Beijing-based spokeswoman for the company. Because of that, “some search results are not shown.”

MyLaowai calls on the Chinese Government to treat the Nuctech case properly, and to respect Namibia’s judicial independance. Oh yeah, and hand over Hu Jintao’s grubby-fingered boy at once.

Corruption in the Hu family? Like father, like son…

Posted in Censorship, China, ChinaDaily, Corruption, Human Rights, Media | 15 Comments »

Sold to the Chinese!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 23, 2009

090723 onion

The Onion: America’s Finest News Source And Salvage Fishery

Posted in Media, Newsflash | 9 Comments »