Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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They ARE all trying to kill me!

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 19, 2009

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I must terribly apologize to you, the valued reader of our insane, twisted rants about complete untruths. I have been… occupied… with dealing with the complete bullshit political sensibilities of this stone-age wonderful country.

Today’s short missive has been on the back-burner so long it is now as black and charcoaled as the average house in Jining, Shandong (nice power station there). This is approximately as black and charcoaled as what a pork BBQ stick should be in order for the N1H1 to be completely eradicated.

This article began life as a semi-gelling idea as the summer heat reduced the amount of protective clothing I can possibly bear to wear to the point that there is little left between me and potential tarmac sliding in terms of the area of the potential scrapage and the number of truly foreign objects that will end up embedded in my epidermal layers.

Oh – I ride a motor scooter… should I mention that now? If you’re an adrenaline junkie with suicidal tendencies like myself, it’s fun. Here you can have more dangerous near misses in any given 10 minutes at a mere 40Kph than you could possibly achieve at 300Kph back in my home country.

Anyway, one evening I was being tightly clutched between the sweaty thighs of a friend, MyArse (hmmm, let’s just say I am not good at yoga). We were on our way back from the pub perched astride the latest in biodegradable bike technology that was indeed losing Quality Parts and Manufracturing, in accordance with the laws of chemistry, physics and Chinese Quality Assessment certificates.

MyArse had been elaborating at some length, punctuated by the to-be-expected expletive-filled epithets as actual examples of the reality of driving in the city kicked in, the exact characteristics of Chinese driving that scared him the most. His immortal introduction to his verbal tirade, “It’s simple mate, they ARE all trying to kill me!“, is a most fitting title for this article.

Learning to drive in this country is like learning to breathe water. The local Chinese just aren’t built to queue orderly or understand the concept ‘wait’ – and our lungs aren’t built to breathe water. So it’s not that it fails – the resultant traffic chowder is so thick that unsafe speeds are difficult to achieve. It just gets… rearranged… to have more Chinese Characteristics.

My most hated aspect is one that is always present even in the dead of night with no traffic around; the condition of the roads. You never know when an 8” deep pothole, ditch, crack, pole, cable will suddenly loom in front of you. Lighting is optional in the streets, further complicating the matter. However, during the day you have the ever-present sand/dust/fallout storms to flail your eyeballs in a National Triumph for Progress display of fevered nationalistic pride. I should open a cornea buffing service… 30 minutes of rocketing around the city with your eyes propped open by matchsticks, for a bargain basement price of a mere 3,000 RMB.

The next is also omnipresent – the end result of the “Where should I park this?” game played on every flattish surface near you. Drivers exercise the right to park as close to the door as possible. This leads to the concept of multi-use roads, with donkeys, people, bikes, motorbikes, dogs, cats, taxis, buses, trucks, tractors, trikes and pushcarts all intent on occupying the same place at the same time as the footpath is either covered with parked vehicles or with vendors – the latter being far worse because they have a crowd aimlessly milling around them constantly like flies to shit. VERY much like…

However, there is also the Chinese Blind Spot. This is approximately the same area as their visual span. Utilizing the well-known tactic of “If I don’t look at it and I blow the horn enough I can drive where-ever I like” and only braking when ABSOLUTELY necessary, our Cultured Friends gleefully throw themselves into the game of “I don’t care what the lights say, I entered this intersection before you NOW TRY AND REMOVE ME, SUCKER!” Gridlock is not only inevitable, but they are forced to station multiple Traffic Police in the daily failed intersections to attempt to reduce the blockages. The Police get marginally more attention than the lights or signs, but even that marginal amount is usually enough to prevent terminal clotting – at that junction. The problem now just proceeds to the next available push-and-shove zone – err, intersection.

The side-effect of this phenomena is that acceleration is the key to getting anywhere quickly. When the lights change, the first person into the intersection gets to set the traffic pattern, usually of most interest to those wishing to get a quick left turn in before the oncoming traffic holds them up for a minute or so. However, should you get both sides using the “accelerate with your eyes closed” technique, you are headed for trouble – well, a collision anyway. However, as all drivers wish to conserve their engines, they change up through the gears as quickly as possible, thereby completely cutting down on their potential acceleration and making such accidents collisions a minor detail. The most worrying part is the drivers leaving their cars in situ so they can argue with the police about who should pay whom. This of course blocks the whole intersection in all directions, and turns that section of the city into a horn-sounding competition as everyone attempts to elbow past the mess.

[Note from Editor: recent research has discovered that, like bats and dolphins, Chinese navigate using sonar. This is why they must constantly emit noise of some description, be it car horn, bicycle bell, whistle, or yip-yap shouts. It also explains why they never use their eyes.]

What is more worrying about this closed-eye phenomena is the guaranteed surprise arrival of vehicles from concealed driveways and impromptu parking zones. So the only means of survival is to maintain a constant full 360 surveillance and finely tune your psychic powers. If the latter is not available, prayer MIGHT help. And God help you should pass an educational facility at any time approaching a drop-off/pick-up time. Call in the  tanks – nothing else will come close to unclogging that mess as parents elbow their way to the closest position to the gate, and then exit their vehicle to repeat the process in the flesh. It is only exceeded by that one time in the Big Red Square when the KFC van overturned, students raced in to grab what they could, and then decided to wait to see if it would happen again.

Despite all of this, there is still another aspect that utterly amazes me. I thought that I was sufficiently numbed to the wonders and delights of this ancient culture, but today even I am scarcely able to contain my outrage ecstasy when a taxi driver executes the “Fuck Me” manoeuvre. This is quite easy to learn, and has a few minor variants. The garden variety involves speeding past a bike rider, then suddenly swerving directly in front of them and slamming on the brakes in order to allow the bike to forcibly enter the vehicle from the rear – thus the name “Fuck Me”. Of course, the bike rider should also scream “Fuck Me!” to indicate they understand the successful negotiation of the trick. The minor variant is used for turning into a road or driveway just ahead of the bike, with the slight change being the bike enters the vehicle from the side, giving the rider a huge T-boner.

Of course, I would be derelict in my duties if I forgot to mention the joy of inhaling the exhausted delights of our friendly neighbourhood buses. Not that this is an issue after 9pm, this city figures if you can afford to be out after that time you can damn well afford to line the pockets of your local mercenary drunkard taxi driver. Go to Singapore sometime, there the government refuses to allow dirty diesel to be sold, the oil companies have to spend a few more cents cleaning it up. Bus exhausts there are like a sweet breath of perfume by comparison.

Night-time presents its own special danger, the deadliest of all: the brake-less truck. It is not like the truck doesn’t HAVE brakes, it is merely that if the driver was to employ them it would cost him 2 jiao in brake lining wear and diesel to get up to unsafe terminal velocities again. Let alone, he can probably squeeze one more return trip in each night if he sails through every red light. You can tell the new drivers, when they approach an intersection they at least blow their horn a few times. The more experienced ones have learned that this costs them an extra jiao each night in wasted fuel, and avoid doing this in order to suck every fen they can into their baijiu and xiaojie fund.

The rest of the issues are quite minor: indicators are only used by wedding parties in warning light mode, horns are a sonic broom and side-swipes are a simple elbowing past someone. Parking is a very approximate thing, we all know it is far easier and quicker to just stop in the middle of the road and leave your car there, rather than actually attempt to position yourself as close to the curb as possible. Actually, the few people who do attempt the reverse park are a source of much amusement as they gently rock their vehicle back and forth over the same track, because they haven’t actually figured out how this manoeuvre works.

So, MyArse and I had by now negotiated our way past lorries parked across the footpath and extending out into the road, treacherously deep man-hole covers, numerous attempted sideswipes and the odd pushcart or 1,000. We had mounted and dismounted sidewalks, bike parking lanes, freeways, byways and sellways. We had dutifully ignored all traffic signs and other users of our shared thoroughfares other than the mandatory cursing. We had shed several square meters of decomposing fairing along the way and filled the streets with expired cigarette butts. In short, we’d survived another adrenaline pumping plummet through Hell and were physically none the worse for wear, excepting the eyeballs and respiratory tract. We felt half-Chinese.

But we shook that nasty feeling off quickly.

– DaBizzare

Posted in Guest Post, Rules of the Road | 11 Comments »

Trade Fairs

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 9, 2007

China, as many of you may be aware, is home to an increasingly large number of Trade Fairs. A few of them are even worth going to. Some of them, of course, are merely put on to allow the local Party boys to claim expenses, and a large number are attended only by a handful of local companies who have been instructed to attend by the local Party bosses, in order to make them look good, but there are nevertheless a few that actually are important. Some, such as the Import and Export Fair in Canton, are quite useful.

China likes to think of Shanghai as being it’s premier business city. Never mind my personal views on that for now, let’s just go along with it. Shanghai, in turn, likes to think that the New International Expo Centre is it’s numero uno exhibition venue. And I will admit, it isn’t a bad place – apart from the obvious issues with poor access, hopeless organisation, and all the usual gripes, the place itself is large enough and modern enough to cope with most demands, and in fact there are events there almost every week.

Now, every time I go to a trade fair in China, I see the thieves at work – not the commercial thieves who are there just to steal your product ideas, but the petty thieves who steal whatever isn’t bolted down and then sell it in the street outside. Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre is a favourite haunt for these guys, and their number one target is not, as you might expect, the buyers. Oh no, it is in fact the exhibitors themselves. In particular, the notebook computers that the sales guys use.

If you are exhibiting at a trade fair in China, and your notebook computer goes missing, simply walk outside, and buy it back. It’s that easy. If you are exhibiting at the Shanghai New International Expo Centre, then you will need to walk a couple of blocks to the Long Yang Lu subway station.

Every year it is the same. Waves of petty crime and theft. Until this year. This year, the police had finally had enough of this petty crime, and took steps to bring it under control…

They took over the theft themselves.

Now, when you exhibitors lose your notebook computers, and you go outside to buy it back (Long Yang Lu subway station when at Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre), look for the nearest uniformed police officer. He is providing protection for the guy who stole your property, and he will make sure that the thief gets a fair price (how else will he be able to afford the protection fee?).

Welcome to China, enjoy your stay.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Corruption, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

A Word About Tax

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, November 9, 2007

Basically, China’s individual income tax is famous for its complication and rooms [sic] for different interpretation.

But don’t just take my word for it – that was an exact quote from Shanghai’s Government website. According to official statistics from the State Administration of Taxation (which I trust about as far as I trust the lowlife scum who run the Party), China took in 3.7636 trillion yuan (about 470.5 billion US dollars) in taxation alone during 2006. The figure does not include income from tariffs, tax on arable land use and that paid by real estate buyers, the administration said on its website. And it looks even better for 2007, with the aggregate tax revenue in the first nine months this year approaching the total generated in 2006, said Shu Qiming, Director of the State Administration of Taxation Department – that’s a whopping 3.72 trillion yuan (495.5 billion USD) in the first three quarters alone. Even stamp tax from securities trading sky-rocketed to 143.6 billion yuan (19.1 billion USD) for the same period. I’m not kidding – these figures were taken directly from the official website.

And yet, I’m constantly being told by the locals that “…China is a poor country, so other countries should help us”. And yes, it is true that there are, indeed, a great many very poor people living here. So, what on Earth do they spend it all on? Here are a couple of things they could reduce expenditure on:

Defence.
Let’s be reasonable, shall we? The Communist Party claim that they are spending a paltry USD$45 billion this year on the military (an 18% increase over 2006) – enough to buy a copy of Guns & Ammo for every soldier, but not much more than that. Yeah, sure. China’s published defence budget does not include large categories of expenditure, including expenses for strategic forces, foreign acquisitions, military-related research and development, and China’s paramilitary forces. And even with that in mind, a more credible figure is USD$85-130 billion. And why should this be surprising? After, the December 2006 Defence White Paper stated all-too-clearly that the goal was:

“…a three-step development strategy in modernizing its (China’s) national defence and armed forces, in accordance with the state’s overall plan to realize modernization. The first step is to lay a solid foundation by 2010, the second is to make major progress around 2020, and the third is to basically reach the strategic goal of building informationized armed forces and being capable of winning informationized wars by the mid-21st century.”

And it isn’t all about Taiwan, either, although with almost 1000 ballistic missiles currently aimed at Taiwan, and with that number growing by 100+ each year, China probably proposes to resolve that issue in its favour through non-peaceful means. The Japanese are justifiably concerned, and have expressed fears that with a consistently expansive military budget, Japan could one day even become a Chinese province. Don’t laugh – Chinese schools have recently begun telling schoolchildren that this will happen by 2020.

In any event, a sizeable chunk of my tax yuan are being spent on armaments, with China now having the second largest military budget in the world, larger even than Russia.

Space Program.
The Chinese claim to have spent a grand total of less than 19 billion yuan (2.4 billion U.S. dollars) on the first five Shenzhou spacecraft, and that their lunar probe project (part of the three-stage Chang’e Program which aims to place an unmanned vehicle on the moon by 2010) has a budget of 1.4 billion yuan (170 million U.S. dollars).

Bullshit.

The real figure is hard to state with certainty, due to both the opacity of the budgetary system, and the fact that the Chinese space program is highly integrated with the military. Nevertheless, most reliable estimates put the annual expenditure at between USD$1.3 and USD$3 Billion, with several tens of billions more invested in military-space programs. This places China in third place, spending more than anyone else except NASA and the European Space Agency. Not bad for a ‘developing country’.

By comparison…

Social Spending.
According to UNICEF:

– Relative to the size of China’s economy and the overall government budget, expenditure on the social sectors remains low by international standards.
– The structure of government expenditure in these sectors is tilted towards higher level institutions (higher education and hospitals at county level and above) at the expense of the institutions providing essential services at county, township and village levels.
– Expenditure is inequitably distributed both regionally and between urban and rural areas, due to the high degree of decentralization in the financing of education, health and other social services and the large differences in local levels of economic development and tax revenue, which are insufficiently offset by inter-governmental transfer payments.
– Government resources account for a relatively low share of total social sector expenditure, leaving individual households to assume much of the responsibility for paying for services, through fees and user charges, which has placed a heavy burden on the poor, particularly in the rural areas and among migrants in the cities.

Education got just 2.8% of GDP in 2004, Health spending accounted for 0.8% of GDP for the same period (although that said, Education is apparently getting 4% of GDP now. Big whoops). According to State Media, rural schools owe their teachers more than 10 billion yuan in back pay and failure to pay teachers’ salaries has contributed to the severe shortage of qualified teachers in the countryside. Annual revenue in one county in the poor, north-western province of Gansu was enough to cover only one month’s salary for its permanent teachers and public servants.

I guess it makes sense, though. After all, why help your poor, when you can simply buy a lot of weapons and high-prestige items. It worked for the National Socialists back in the 1930’s and it’s showing every sign of working just fine now for the Chinese Communists. Hell, they got their Olympics, too…

Anyway…

Back to the Government website. I’m going to leave you with some useful information, helpfully provided by the CCP. Just in case you wanted to live here, or anything.

Tax
Under some circumstances, foreigners in the city must pay taxes. Income tax is probably the most important and also the most unavoidable.

Basically, China’s individual income tax is famous for its complication and rooms for different interpretation. Sometimes, even overseas tax consultants feel puzzled when they deal businesses relate to China for clients.

If you worked in a local company (domestic or foreign invested) or the local office of a foreign company, you may have your income tax handled by your company, otherwise, you’d better ask for help from experts, such as consultants from accounting firms (local or international) or officials who work for local taxation, finance administrations. Normally, you won’t have a direct contact with local tax officials, unless you do business for your own.

Contact the local tax and finance administrations: Click here to access there official Website. English version is not available.

Pets
Import.
Bringing your pets (only cats or dogs are allowed) to the city is possible, but the quarantine procedure is as complicated as you can imagine. With a whole set of original certificates, including a health certificate and a rabies vaccination certificate, your pet will go through a 30-day compulsory quarantine by the entry-exit inspection and quarantine authorities.

With one passport, you can bring only one pet. The quarantine service will cost you at least 2,000 yuan (US$250) and, after your pet has passed quarantine, you should register it at the local police department under the name of a local Chinese resident. You may need to seek help from a local Chinese you trust to accomplish the mission.

Buy or adopt.
You may also buy or adopt animals here. If you want to buy one, many are available at local pet markets. You should choose only licensed and vaccinated animals. Otherwise you may see the one you picked up die in a few days, because it has been kept alive by injected drugs.

Phone Numbers
Police: 110
Telephone Repair: 112

Money Transfer
To transfer money gained here to your home country is a technical job. You should seek help from law firms or accounting firms. First of all, you should obey Chinese laws. In some conditions, a foreigner needs to pay tax and some service charges. It’s better for you to make a plan with help from a lawyer or accountant on your money transfer project.

Internet
Don’t be frightened by its crude facade. Most Internet cafes in Shanghai don’t have pleasant conditions, but they charge very low. Remember the Chinese characters for Internet cafe.

Posted in Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Oh, I’m Sorry

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 11, 2007

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to knock you off your motorcycle as you sped down the footpath towards me this morning. Really, I’m sorry. What is it you Bamboo Monkeys say? Yes, thanks – dui bu qi. I mean it. It really wasn’t my intention to put my elbow out and knock your mirror. Mirror? That’s the useless thing that humans use to help them with their situational awareness. And if my elbow accidentally carried on and hit your arm, then dui bu qi for that, too. All the same, you must admit it was quite funny, that strange noise you made just before you hit the deck. How did it go? Oh yes, “Aiyoaiyoaiyo!“. Hahaha! Priceless! Well done!

What’s that you say? I kicked you? Nonsense. Granted, my foot may have given your rear tyre a nudge, but it was hardly a kick. All the same, dui bu qi. Stop whinging, there’s a good girl – it could have been worse, it isn’t like you actually broke any bones, is it? Oh, you did? Your fingers, you say? How did that happen? I’m standing on them? Well, look at that! Gosh – dui bu qi. I really don’t know how that happened. Lucky for you it wasn’t your windpipe I accidentally stepped on. Not that there would have been any point in that, after all you’ve already spawned your litter and passed on your defective genes, so your death at this point would be almost as meaningless as your entire life.

No, you misunderstand. I’m not blaming your defective genes on you. Not at all. That’s the fault of your mother and the tofu-seller who lived next door. We have a saying: 5,000 years of inbreeding is probably not good. Yep, that’s a real saying. Think of it as a Big Character Slogan, but in a real language. What? Oh yes, I’ll get off your fingers now. Dui bu qi.

Call me a glass-is-half-full kind of guy, but at least there wasn’t a ditch for you to fall into, like the last person who tried running me down did. There she lay, in the bottom of the ditch, legs wrapped around the twisted remains of her motorcycle – Oh how we laughed. Oh yes, she was laughing all right, I could see the tears running down her cheeks. Of course, I did apologise. “Du bu qi”, I said, and I meant it, too.

Well, think of this as an educational experience. Next time you see a foreign devil, perhaps you’ll have learned not to try to run him down with your motorcycle as he walks to work along the footpath. Interesting word, that. ‘Footpath’, foot path, footpath… Almost sounds like it means a path for pedestrians, esp. an alley between buildings or a pavement at the side of a road. Yes, it does sound a bit complicated I know. Call me Mr. Oxford English Dictionary, dui bu qi about that.

Hmmm…? What was that you were saying? Yes, your mobile phone is broken, I’m afraid. Dui bu qi. Perhaps if you’d been watching where you were going, instead of endlessly repeating all your ring tones, it would still be in one piece. So yes, your mobile phone is broken, but on the bright side, your mobile phone is broken. Isn’t it your lot that have that lovely saying, something to the effect of: “If something is broken or stolen then you are lucky, because you can get a new one”? I’ve never really understood that, but I assume you do.

Ah, here comes my bus. It was so nice having this chance to chat with you. No, I don’t have any time now to help extricate you from the wreckage of your former motorcycle, dui bu qi. Perhaps if you are really, really lucky, then one of your countrymen might actually help you.

I wouldn’t count on it, though. Zai Jian lah.

Posted in Rules of the Road | Tagged: , | 11 Comments »

Wo Shi Laowai?

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 29, 2007

When it comes to foreigners in the Celestial Kingdom, there are a few categories that most seem to fall neatly into. There are the tourists, naturally. They have a fantastic time, and generally leave saying things like “Oh, weren’t the Chinese friendly, they were all so curious and said ‘Hello!’ to Mildred and I everywhere we went” and what-have-you. They also tend to witter on ad infinitum about all the ancient 5,000-year old temples [that didn’t exist ten years ago because they’d all been knocked down during the Cultural Revolution, with the monks still inside at the time, but never mind that small detail]. Oh yeah, tourists have a great time.

Then there are the transients – temporary teachers, short-term students, ‘travellers’. For the purposes of this discussion, I’m going to include them with the tourists.

Then there are the ‘seagulls’, company bigwigs who fly in from Europe and the U.S., make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, and fly back out again. They also have a wonderful time, eating expensive dinners, shagging themselves silly with KTV hostesses and barbershop quartets, staying in the best hotels, and all the rest of it. They believe everything their dick tells them, and leave saying things like “I just don’t understand why Jenkins complains so much. These people promised me everything I asked for, and were so very polite at all times, I’m sure we will have a great future with these people”. There aren’t many of these types, but what they lack in numbers, they make up for in stupidity. Pretty much every Western politician falls into this category.

Of course, there are the company types who actually live here, too. They tend to come in two different flavours – the ones who have been sent here unwillingly, and the ones who applied to come (local hires fit into the second category). There is a bit of overlap here, so if you are in the first category, but live the life of the other, then no offence is intended. The ones who have been sent here against their will are frequently sent here in the same way that people used to be sent to Australia, before England ran out of convicts and the Irish. They simply are so inept that they cannot be allowed to work anywhere where they can cause any harm, but their golden parachutes make firing them too expensive. I’ve met a few who were brilliant at their jobs, though, and they have more in common with the local hires. The convict-types usually live in serviced homes, with local help on call 24/7 to cook, clean, suck dick when the wife’s out, and all the rest of it. They have company cars with drivers, work in air-conditioned offices, shop in ‘foreign-goods’ supermarkets, and generally have a ball. They let their local staff get away with anything and everything, they spend money like water, and they think they actually make a difference. They don’t say anything when they leave, because they can’t leave. Local hires, for the most part, are the opposite, and are in the majority, too.

Most of the good that happens in this benighted Land, happens because foreigners do it. Charities that actually deliver the goods? Development assistance? Technological advances? Management that works? The concept of honesty? Foreign direct investment? Medical aid? It’s a long list, and I’m bored already, but rest assured it comes from foreigners, not the Chinese People. Without foreigners, foreign money and foreign technology, China would slip back into the Stone Age within a year. Ok, perhaps 18 months. China really does have a lot to be thankful for.

But all of us are ‘Laowai’: evil foreign scum who are only here to oppress the good, honest, diligent, hardworking Chinese People. We personally are responsible for keeping China down, for stealing world hegemony from the glorious motherland, and for eating babies. Every bad thing that ever happened here, is our fault – and they never, ever forget it.

Let’s go back to Mildred and her travelmate. Remember how they said that all Chinese are so friendly? Saying “Hello!” to tourists all day long? Well, I’m sorry to have to burst your bubble, but in the words of the legendary Inigo Montoya: I do not think it means, what you think it means. As it happens, “Hello!” in the mouths of the Chinese People has more in common with the words “Jew!” [think 1936, central Europe], or “Boy!” [1903, the deep South]. It isn’t friendly, and it isn’t a greeting.

Now as it happens folks, there are three main holidays in China every year, each one about a week in length (though being a Communist holiday, one is required to work the weekends either side, in order to make up for lost national production). These holidays are not only national events, they are also Nationalist events, and are always preceded by a rise in the level of extreme nationalism one can experience when out in ‘the sticks’. This may come as a surprise to the foreign folk who don’t get out of their ivory towers much, but believe me when I say it’s not only bad, it’s getting worse. It used to be just “Hello!”, but in recent years the locals have become braver, and I know of many, many incidents involving violence. I have been lucky thus far, though I have had a few close encounters of the Sino kind.

Anyway, back to “Hello!”. The reason the yokels say this, is because they don’t know any other English. Of course, some of the brighter lights have learned such gems as “Laowai Fucka You!” (and one particularly hostile lass was shouting “I Love You!” at me in a restaurant once, which brings me back to Inigo Montoya again). I used to get quite angry about this, as I would never accept this behaviour from anyone in my home country, regardless of who they are or who it was directed at, but this year I have changed my tactics. I have prepared a few stock phrases that can be easily shot back, and which will be easily understood. I field-tested them today, as follows:

Local: “Hello! Laowai!” – group of ‘workers’ in the street.
Me: “Tu Baozi!” [lit. dirt dumpling, a scummy peasant]

Local: “Laowai! Fucka!” – group of high school students in the street at lunchtime.
Me: “Wai Di Ren!” [lit. not local person, a country bumpkin]

Local: “Want buy?” – local perched a fence rail, selling stolen cellphones.
Me: “Dui Bu Qi” [an apology] [spoken as I pushed him backwards into the bushes]

In every case, the result was a resounding success. Complete shock, confusion, and inability to comprehend quite how the Laowai was able to speak the complex Chinese language. And by the time the folk in question had sorted themselves out, I was gone.

So, friends and neighbours, if you are going to be here and in contact with The Man In The Street, learn a few words of the local lingo – it really does pay off.

Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui?

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

A Matter of Face.

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, September 16, 2007

Now Arrived in Stock! The post they said couldn’t be made!

Sex! Drugs! Action! Violence! Face! And More Hey Nonny Nonny Than You Can Shake A Large , Pointy Stick At!

A Matter Of Face…
Or, All Face And No Shame

The Story So Far: Saturday afternoon, around 1630. I had just finished up with a client across town, and was in a taxi heading back home. There was a lot of traffic on the road, more than usual for that time on a Saturday, but not as much as a normal gridlock rush hour. The hairless chimpanzee driving the taxi was no better and no worse than any other taxi driver in the city, there were no confusing directions (like ‘left’ or ‘right’) for him to deal with, and I thought of the martini that was looming large in my immediate future. How wrong I was.

Act I, The Main Event: Monkeyboy pulled the usual stunt, getting into a turning lane in order to get ahead of other cars waiting at a set of traffic lights, and then attempting to force his way back into the correct lane at the head of the line. Unfortunately for him, the black Santana he tried to get in front of wasn’t having any of it, and pulled out of lane slightly to block the taxi driver (whom I will henceforth be referring to as Driver X, even though his real name is Fa Kin Kok). The rather predictable result of this, was that Driver X was out of lane when the lights went green, and fell back some ten cars or so. He also Lost His Face. He therefore set about breaking all kinds of Laws (and I don’t only refer to the Laws of the Road, I include the Laws of Physics, too) in order to get in front of Mr Black Santana, so that he could regain his Face by forcing him to slow down.

Act II, The Fun Starts In Earnest: Driver X, in the best traditions of Chinese Driving, accelerated wildly towards Mr Black Santana, aiming for the left side of his car. The only problem, was that there was another car already there, and that car had nowhere else to go. This problem was obvious to me, of course, but to Driver X it was not a factor in his own personal universe. That is, it wasn’t a factor until about 1 second after it was too late. Driver X hit the skids. The car he was heading for hit the skids. Cars all around us hit the skids. It was like a scene out of CHiPs, and there was so much blue tire smoke in the air that it actually blotted out the view for a moment*. The only car that didn’t hit the skids was Mr Black Santana, who saw the whole thing in his rear view mirror, and who proceeded to come to a gentle stop not a hundred metres later. Mr Black Santana got out of his car, looked back at Driver X, and gave him the Smile. Now, for those of you who are blessed with never having been here, the Smile has about the same effect on interpersonal relations as a declaration of Defcon One has on international relations. It says in no uncertain terms that the Smiler has completely and utterly wiped the Smilee’s ‘face’ away, and that the Smiler fully intends to revel in the fact.

  • Note that, incredibly, not one car actually traded any paint with any other car. Not one. It was the freakiest display of luck I’ve ever seen, because not one of those fifteen-odd cars was in any kind of control, whatsoever.

Act III, Revenge: Driver X has now really lost his face. He’s failed in an aggressive manoeuvre in front of every car on the road, and we’re talking about one of the busiest roads in Shanghai. And now people are getting out of their cars and shouting at him, well, let’s just say that his meaningless existence has just been brought home to him. And then he sees Mr Black Santana, just up the road, giving him the Smile. And he’s off after him (well, actually, it did take him a good three minutes to get his car pointing the right way again, after all that sliding around the road). Mr Black Santana, of course, is well away by this time, has made an illegal U-turn, and is heading back the opposite direction. Driver X, having lost all his face, now has nothing left to live for. He throws his taxi around and heads back down the road, actually managing to catch up with Mr Black Santana, and starts trying to force him into the central barrier. His driving skills may have been on a par with my grandmothers, but the excitement level was higher than anything the Duke Boys ever managed in the General Lee. Yours truly was bounced around the interior like a rag doll, head hitting the seat in front (twice), the door frame to the left (once) and the door frame to the right (twice). It was not fun at all. Of course, I suggested that he might want to stop the car, to which he gave the traditional “Wait a moment” reply. And then I made some suggestions about his mother and some anatomically difficult positions he could attempt, but all to no avail. And then both he and Mr Black Santana spun out of control and came to a halt. I wasn’t waiting around for the Police to arrive and arrest me for being a foreigner (and yes, certainly it would have been my exclusive fault. Honestly), so I leaped out of the taxi and headed for the side of the road, not stopping until I got there. I looked back to see Driver X getting out of the car to come after me (for non-payment of the fare!), and decided he was going to get his eyeballs punched out the back of his skull, when Mr Black Santana took off again. Driver X, horribly torn between getting money and getting face, paused a moment, before jumping back in his taxi and roaring off after him.

Act IV, The Aftermath: This all took place on Saturday afternoon. I write this blog entry late Monday evening. My neck is still a little stiff, but the headache has almost gone away now (note to self: fix another martini). There’s very little for me to learn from the experience, because none of it comes as any kind of surprise. When ones lives amongst such ‘people’, one comes to understand the concept of All Face, No Shame all too well. The sorry fact is, that the colossal arrogance of these peeps is matched only by their world-spanning vengefulness and vastly inflated sense of spite. And whilst this isn’t new news to me, perhaps there’s something in that for my readers who think that China is a country where Kung Fu masters meditate on the tops of mountains and everyone is harmonious.

The End.

Posted in Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Quotations From Bastards

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 3, 2007

From the Land That Time Forgot, these quotations…

“China is highly transparent in terms of military policies and security strategy, as reflected in its commitment to no-first-use of nuclear weapons… [but] Transparency will always be relative. The key point is mutual trust.”
– Peng Guangqian

Yeah, except that China has a stated first-use policy and is internationally known for having the least transparent set of military policies and budgets on earth.
.

The number of cases involving foreign institutions and individuals conducting illegal surveying and mapping in China has been on the rise in recent years, according to the State Bureau of Surveying and Mapping (SBSM).

In the first six months of this year, local authorities have handled five cases and investigating five others in the Xinjiang Uygur Autonomous Region, Shanghai Municipality, and Jiangxi and Jiangsu provinces.

SBSM said most of these foreigners came into the country under the disguise of scientists, tourists, expeditionists, and archaeologists.

The results of these foreigners’ surveying and mapping belong to China, and must not be brought and transmitted abroad without official permission by Chinese authorities, according to the law.

Foreigners who have illegally surveyed, collected and published geographical information on China will be severely punished according to law.
– ChinaDaily

These cases involve innocent people entering positional data into their GPS handsets. Hell, it includes me, since I’ve entered waypoints into my GPS-enabled cellphone. Come and get me. .

“Organic farming is not a new thing in Chinese agriculture. We did it thousands of years ago and now we are just going back to the traditions with some modern technologies.”
– Guo Changjun

Yeah. Modern Technology. Like not shitting in the rice paddy and calling it ‘Organic Farming’.
.

“China consistently spares no efforts to enforce its IPR legislation with great success acknowledged by the international community… It is regrettable for China to see the United States has chosen to request the establishment of a panel in spite of China’s efforts to settle this dispute through consultations.”
– Chinese WTO Delegation

Except that China rejected consultations under “relevant WTO regulations”.
.

一人超生，全村结扎！
If one person has too many babies, the whole village will have their tubes tied!
“一胎环，二胎扎，三胎四胎杀杀杀！”
One pregnancy gets the ring. Two pregnancies gets your tubes tied. The third and fourth, kill kill kill!
– Family Planning Slogans

.

“The reality of this country’s economic reforms is that the country, the race, is prospering. This must be extolled. It can only be extolled. There can’t be anyone who makes fun of it. People who do either have ulterior motives or they’re mentally challenged… As a Chinese director … as a Chinese actor, this point of view must be firmly entrenched.”
– Han Sanping, China Film Group Chairman

.

An unidentified official with the [Zhejiang] provincial industry and commerce bureau said that a thorough inspection shall be carried out for imported food products.

He also warned people to be cautious of taking foreign nourishment and avoid blind faith in expansive [sic] products.
-ChinaDaily

Yeah. Better to stick to cardboard-filled buns, right?
.

If we are serious about protecting Chinese culture, maybe we should begin by preventing our language from being Europeanized.
– Zou Hanru, ChinaDaily ‘opinion’ writer

.

Foreign acquisitions of Chinese companies will be subject to stringent new checks intended to protect national economic security under a new law passed Thursday.

“As well as anti-monopoly checks stipulated by this law, foreign mergers with, or acquisitions of, domestic companies or foreign capital investing in domestic companies’ operations in other forms should go through national security checks according to relevant laws and regulations”
– From the new Anti-Monopoly Law

.

Foreign investors are urged to pay more attention to environmental protection and energy conservation.

“China will strengthen restrictions on foreign investment in energy-intensive high polluting and low efficiency industries.”
– Vice-Minister of Commerce Wei Jianguo

Yeah, because that’s the exclusive traditional domain of Chinese companies.

Posted in Censorship, ChinaDaily, Environment, Food, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

So, You Still Dare to Go to China?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, May 28, 2007

There’s this reporter with the South Korean daily Hankyoreh named Cha Han-phil, and he has a blog. In his blog, he writes about common travel experiences in China. In his words:

“I am not saying people should not go to China. China has already become an inalienable partner to South Korea,” said Cha. “But many South Koreans go to China without knowing much about the country. And they often fall into embarrassing situations, or unwittingly place themselves in disadvantageous situations. I am telling them to know a bit about China before they go there to prevent those unfortunate things happening.”

I’ve read a little of his blog, and he’s absolutely spot on with a lot of it, though in all honesty he lets the bastards off the hook a bit lightly. Fair enough, we all have our viewpoints. His latest post, entitled “Shameless Chinese people”, tells of a train journey from Zhengzhou, the capital of Hebei province, to Shenyang, the capital of Liaoning province. This is part of what he experienced:
– a mother encouraging her toddler to urinate on the floor
– people throwing litter out the window
– men taking their shirts off to cool down
– no one flushing the (squat) toilet after using the restroom
– young couple using the seat covers to shine their shoes before leaving the train
– people spitting food on to the floor
– people shouting into their mobile phones without consideration
– people smoking everywhere without regard for fellow passengers

Cha concluded: “While watching these people, I couldn’t help but think that Chinese people solely pursue their own convenience and interest. They utterly lack public morals.”

Well, like I said, he lets the bastards off lightly. I see all that and more on a daily basis in glittering Shanghai, never mind in the backwoods of Dumbfukistan and Fuckwitistan where he travelled.

Cha Han-phil has received a right royal torrent of abuse for his efforts, too. Apparently, he’s a racist, a narrow-minded nationalist, and a Western Imperialist to boot! That does not, however, make him in the slightest bit incorrect.

This is what I see from time to time in and around Shanghai:
– ‘people’ shitting in the restaurant washbasins in KFC.
– ‘people’ pissing against the wall in 5-star restaurants, because 15 yards is too far to have to walk to the toilet.
– ‘people’ gobbing out the window on to cyclists.
– ‘people’ gobbing on the floor in other people’s homes, hotel rooms, etc.
– ‘people’ dropping cigarette butts on the floor in other people’s homes, hotel rooms, etc.
– ‘people’ throwing up onto the floor of the bus, or out the window, instead of into the sickbag provided (and yes, they are provided. Chinese have very weak stomachs, despite all the delicious food and non-cancerous hot water).
– mothers encouraging their toddlers to urinate on other people, particularly foreign other people.
– ‘people’ wearing pyjamas instead of actual clothes when going to work, to the shops, to the stockmarket. When asked why, they reply “it is traditional’. Being too damned lazy to get dressed is obviously not a factor.

And the list goes on. I’ve seen this stuff, actually seen it with my own eyes. And it’s not an isolated minority, it’s the vast, overwhelming majority. Don’t believe me? Come to China, sit in a taxi at any traffic light, and look around you at the nearest 8 cars. Chances are that every single one will have some monkey with his/her/it’s fingers shoved up the nose to the fourth knuckle, or inserted into another randomly selected orifice.

And this is the place that claims to be more culturally advanced than anywhere else in the Universe? Give me a break! If the hypocrisy were any stronger, it would be given a listing in PHYSPROP.

Actually, I just re-read this post, and I apologise. Cha Han-phil isn’t the only one who lets them off lightly.

So, You Still Dare to Go to China?

Posted in Environment, Media, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Life’s Three Greatest Moments

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 20, 2007

Allow me to share with you some of my own experiences regarding those three great institutions, Birth, Death and Marriage, and how they work here in China. As with most things here, the Party has quite a lot to do with it…

Birth. *
Generally speaking, before this can happen, other activities of a more personal nature tend to take place. These activities are approved of (or otherwise, depending on your circumstances) by the family and the Powers That Be. Before you may have children (actually, Child, singular, unless you are rich or a politician or have the right guanxi) you must first obtain permission from the local KGB (they have other names for the place, but that’s who it is). They interrogate you and make sure you are married and are living in an approved place (not another town, for instance). Money has been known to change hands. Should you have a child without permission, then the child does not exist, which means no medical care or support, no education, no ID card, nothing. In this event it is not unknown for the child to be ‘adopted’ by a relative or friend who has got connections, sold, or merely abandoned on a quiet street in the early hours of the morning. Should you try to have a child without permission and are discovered, it’s the abortion room for you. The abortion room is a small room with typically 3 or so tables fitted with stirrups, a notable lack of anaesthetic, and doctors who are not exactly known for their bedside manner. It is less common these days, but until just a few years ago, abortions were regularly followed up with forced sterilisations. Lovely. Assuming you do it all according to the rules, you can be assured of the best medical treatment that dodgy herbs and cricket-part-soup can provide. Patience not being exactly a virtue here, children are often injured during birth by those doctors who are supposed to assist. I’ve seen the scars that prove it. It is a wonder that any survive.

Marriage. *
Before you get married you also need permission, either from the place where you work (all state-owned companies have a KGB department who keep detailed records of your history), or, if you are working for a private company or are unemployed, from the Community Centre (the neighbourhood KGB office). You are required to have a medical. If you have any serious hereditary disease your application is denied and if the woman is already pregnant, then it’s off to the abortion clinic before another application can be made. If all goes well, you are treated to sex education classes, Chinese style (which I can assure you, is considerably worse than useless unless you really did want to know that birds and bees are unable to reproduce together). The ceremony itself is quite an experience, and warrants a separate article, which will follow. At least these days some people get to meet their spouses before the day of the wedding, so things are improving.

  • Note: Some of the regulations for people have recently been waived. Many, however, have not. The regulations are different, too, if one of the parties isn’t a citizen of Red China.

Death.
Surprisingly, you do not need to fill out a form in triplicate before dying. But that is the only part that is so easy. I attended a funeral recently and found it to be quite different from the way we do things in civilised countries. To start with, they are very impersonal events. The official, approved place where it happens is a huge building with hundreds of rooms, like a hotel or a Las Vegas Wedding Centre. You rent some flowery wreathes (why buy when renting is cheaper? And then of course they can be reused by the next party) and make sure your name is on them, so everybody knows you were there. You also make sure there are some wreathes that are purchased, but these are made of paper, which is cheaper. Two people go to the front (Notice: you do not stand up, because nobody is sitting down… No chairs provided) and give speeches. The first person is from the dead persons Work Unit, and they represent the KGB. In many cases, they have never met the dead person or the family. They talk about the persons history and what contributions (if any) that person made to the Party and to the country in general. It reads like a resume. Then a member of the family gets up and makes a speech. They can say whatever they like, but it is generally the same thing all over again. Certainly nothing too personal. Whereas you or I would speak about why the person was important to us, here that is simply never done. Then everyone looks at the body, cries a bit (wails actually – and it’s definitely for face. The louder the better.) and goes outside. The Sales Rep who made the arrangements (and he is a Sales Rep, too!) usually has an argument with the attendees (being Chinese, whenever money changes hands, there is an argument. Not for any particular reason, just Because). Then they give back the real flowers and burn the paper ones in the street – there can never be too much pollution on a street. After that, everyone who attended gets a small present (chocolate and a hand towel, in my case) and goes to dinner. The dinner is most important. It is called a ‘bean curd dinner’, because everything you eat is sort of white. We had baby cuttlefish, fish heads, fish skin (the fish meat came out later but by then my appetite was also dead and buried), roasted pigeon skulls, sparrow’s gizzards, the obligatory chicken claws, turtle shells (minus the turtle meat, but including the turtle head of course), some other stuff that reminded me of crushed intestines, and some kind of jelly that was in no way to be confused with the sweet dessert we all know and love. There was also some duck which was quite nice, apart from the fact that I was looking in its’ eyes at the time. And very little drinking. Everybody is given a bowl from the dead persons kitchen to take home, for good luck amazingly. Then home, except for a short stop to throw onto the street the black patch of cloth you wear on your sleeve (what’s a little more pollution between friends?). At least I got to meet all the family for the first time.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Rules of the Road | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Bargaining Guidelines…

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 20, 2007

Disclaimer: I’ve previously posted this elsewhere, but it’s worth repeating, if for nothing other than me liking to see my name in lights…

1. Chinese are not honest. They lie in much the same way that the rest of us breathe. Assume that every single thing you see, hear, or read is a complete fabrication. I mean it, I really do. Usually, the lies are not even good lies. Blatant, stupid lying is just par for the course here. If you challenge them, they attempt to convince you by shouting and acting angry. Don’t fall for it. You can either shout back or laugh at them. Laughing works best because then they don’t lose face. Do this every time and you won’t go far wrong.

2. Bargaining. After taking careful note of point 1, you bargain hard for the lowest possible price. This is anything from 10-30% of what they say. When you have got the price down as low as it will go, look regretful and reluctantly walk away. That’s usually good for another reduction. Do this a few times and you will get the lowest price. Now, walk away and don’t come back. Go to the next shop and start again, this time knowing where to start bargaining.

3. Do not, under any circumstances at all, ever, assume you are dealing with actual people. You are not. The best that can be said for them is that they have thought processes resembling those of 7-year old children. They may look outwardly similar to us, but even a short time here will be sufficient to convince even a die-hard sceptic of this. Do not underestimate this point.

4. Negative reinforcement is the only strategy that will work here. Being nice and polite is a complete waste of time. Use elbows generously, be unafraid of pushing old ladies out of the way, give way to no-one, walk right over the top of beggars and hawkers, be a compete arsehole… It’s the law of the jungle here! Learn to say “buyao”, meaning “don’t want”.

5. Chinese will tell you that Chinese are honest and kind. Please refer point 1. 99.999% of the population is a natural born thief. They would sell their mother for a small profit and their mother means a lot more to them than you do. Be careful with your money and don’t carry a handbag (backpacks worn on the front).

6. Chinese in general, and Shanghainese in particular, go through life with no colour vision at all. They see everything in shades of profit. The exception is foreigners, whom they additionally see in terms of racial purity. Of course, Chinese are pure, white skin is barely acceptable, other Asians are scum, and brown/black skin is just plain filthy. They are the most xenophobic arseholes I have ever encountered. It actually comes from a deep-seated sense of inferiority, so bear this in mind. It can work in your favour if you play it right.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Rules of the Road | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

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