Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for February, 2009

Spank Da Booty

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What’s more fun than a Wet Pussy?
Why, Spanking Da Booty, that’s what.

Last year saw more Wet Pussy Awards given for services to the Chinese Communist Party than any previous year, and quite frankly every recipient was a deserving winner. But what about those amongst us who have done good? There have been a great many diligent and enlightened citizens of the world who have done a great many good deeds in the service of humanity, and I for one feel that their efforts should not go unrecorded.

Starting with the fine and upstanding young man who lobbed a loafer at Premier Wen Jiabao. I liked that a lot.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not in favour of chopine-chucking in general. Hell, getting into wingtip warfare with China could turn out to be a horrible mistake – not only are most of the world’s shoes made in the Chinese Worker’s Paradise, they are also cheaper and, when worn by Chinese peasants, far stinkier than anything that we in the hygienic West can produce. So, no, I’m not advocating an unrestrained brogue-lobbing frenzy at all.

Nor am I rejoicing that the man known throughout Red China as ‘Grandpa’ Wen (but throughout the rest of the world as a monster) found himself shod by a student. Not that he didn’t deserve far worse – one doesn’t get to be the Premier of a major Communist nation without knowing where a hell of a lot of the bodies are buried. A firing squad I would have cheered at, but a shoe? It seems so inadequate, somehow.

What I am celebrating, though, is what that shoe meant. It was a symbolic slap in the face to the entire Chinese Communist Party, those butchering bastards who have for so long terrorised over two billion people at home and abroad, invaded numerous other countries, and murdered well over a hundred million civilians. It was the first time any of them have ever been publicly called to account, and it was done beautifully.

It was also an ironic reply to the laughter that came from China when the President of the United States of America had an item of footwear thrown at him last year, and I’ve always been a lover of irony.

So, to Martin Jahnke, the brave student who stood up and was counted Hero amongst Heroes, I salute you.

And to Wen Jiabao (and by extension the Chinese Communist Party), I say:

You’ve Had Your Booty Spanked.

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

It’s [Adjective] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, February 9, 2009

Today’s adjective is:

eleemosynary

Definition:
1. of or pertaining to alms, charity, or charitable donations; charitable.
2. derived from or provided by charity.
3. dependent on or supported by charity: an eleemosynary educational institution.

Pronunciation: el-uh-mos-uh-ner-ee, -moz-, el-ee-uh-

Origin: 1610–20; < ML eleēmosynārius, equiv. to LL eleēmosyn(a) + L -ārius -ary

Example: China has always shown itself to be a most generous giver of eleemosynary assistance to the oppressed peoples of the world.

Posted in Adjective Monday | 4 Comments »

Ask MyLaowai

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, February 8, 2009

A reader writes:

Dear MyLaowai, I Am Dating A Foreigner Guy Who Is Married With A Kid. We Have Been Together Since 8 Of Jan But He Does Not Leave His Wife And Family. How Can I Make Him Divorce Her And Marry Me?

– Wang XiaoJie

MyLaowai responds:

Dear Wang XiaoJie,

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think you have thought this one through. Before you start worrying about how to make him leave his wife and family, there are a number of vitally important questions that you must have answers to. They include such things as:
– How rich is he? Does he have secret bank accounts or property that his wife can’t steal from you?
– What is his nationality? Is his passport one that will help you, or is he from a poor country?
– Will you have to look after his child? It’s no good if you are forced into responsibilities.
– What can this foreigner man do for you? What is your profit in all this?

While you are at it, make sure that you know who this foreigner man really is. You will never be happy with him unless you know what is in his heart, and so you must secretly read his email, text messages, and other correspondence. And what about your family? Can he be forced to accept that your family is more important than he or his family? Will it be possible to make him accept that Chinese Culture is superior to his own?

Finally, a word of warning: Some foreigner men don’t love China, even though they may claim otherwise. How sure are you that this foreigner man will love ‘Grandpa’ Wen and ‘Brother’ Hu Jintao, or that he will accept the truth that most of the world has always been a part of China since ancient times?

Wang XiaoJie, you must also look hard at yourself – you are obviously devious, deceitful, cold hearted, ruthless and mercenary, but even so you must have some faults. No one is perfect, and so you must discover what your faults are, and do everything in your power to hide them at all costs.

I hope that this helps. Good hunting!

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, February 6, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Glass was invented in China.

During the Ting Dynasty, Emperor Nasi Goreng observed that frozen water made an excellent material for building windows with, although it did suffer from structural issues during the summer. Further observation led him to the conclusion that molten sand could be frozen into a material that was very similar to frozen water, but which was more stable at room temperature. He named this material Gl’arse, and then went on to invent Toilet Paper. Much later, the Syrians, Romans, Egyptians, and other foreign hostile forces illegally stole this idea and claimed it as their own, and someone called ‘Ravenscroft’ even claimed to have put lead into it, but even Chinese schoolchildren know that lead isn’t anything like frozen water.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 10 Comments »

Spring Into Spring!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, February 5, 2009

I’ve written before about the Chinese sense of humour, and you may have formed the impression that in fact the Chinese have no sense of humour at all. Not so. They do have a sense of humour, it’s just that their ‘jokes’ aren’t very funny – finding it amusing when bad things happen to other people is a typical example. Yet their sense of humour invariably fails when those same bad things happen to them.

Example: for decades it’s been a good joke for China to boycott the Olympic Games every four years, yet when there was talk by other people of doing precisely that last year, there was an overwhelming outpouring of nationalist vitriol.

Example: when an earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused a tsunami that killed nearly a quarter of a million people on December 26, 2004, people in China were laughing in the streets about it (“oh how they deserve it hahahaha“), yet when an earthquake last year caused a few of their own buildings to fall down, they immediately started criticising other nations for not doing enough to help.

Example: most Chinese found it hilarious when the President of the United States of America had a shoe thrown at him by a television reporter last year, yet the reaction to their own ‘Butcher Wen’ having a shoe lobbed at him recently has been one of national uproar.

So when, earlier this week, I detected an increased level of hostility towards foreigners in the streets of the land, I naturally put it down to the fact that the shoe, as it were, was simply on the other foot again. I actually conducted a survey to confirm my suspicions, and it went like this: I will walk in the street for fifteen minutes, and count the number of disparaging remarks about foreigners that are made in my presence. The result? 212 offensive xenophobic comments.

But then it occurred to me that perhaps I wasn’t being fair. Quite possibly there was another, non-humour related explanation… And, as it turned out, there was:

It’s Spring.

Yes folks, that’s right. Spring is upon us, and the People of China are once again finding that their sap is rising, so to speak. It’s only natural, therefore, for them to exhibit a certain exuberance in their dealings with the barbarian outsiders who have dared to tread upon the hallowed soil of ZhongGuo. Spring has come, and with it all manner of changes are in evidence right across the length and breadth of this magnificent country. Oh Spring, harbinger of new life, the People salute you!

Top Ten Signs That Spring Has Sprung:

1. The small, grey, cancerous-looking growths on the branches of the trees are in fact buds, from which will soon burst forth beautiful grey leaves. The wondrous cycle of Nature has begun anew.

2. Puppies and other cute baby animals are now being sold out of cardboard boxes on footpaths everywhere. That’s right: cat is off the menu, but look what’s on again!

3. People have begun dusting off their Jiang Zemin suits and Mao Zedong jackets, in preparation for the coming summer. Clotheslines everywhere are straining under the weight of them all.

4. The number of knee-length boots in evidence has begun to fall. On the other hand, sales of Kleenex and Wonderbra (the breast enlargement technologies of choice amongst the urban chic) have begun to increase again.

5. Housewives are now giving their homes a spring cleaning. This is done by boiling vinegar in every room for several hours, and leaves every home smelling wonderfully refreshing. And don’t worry if you haven’t any vinegar – the aroma penetrates even concrete walls, so that you too can share in your neighbour’s cleanliness.

6. The annual transition from pickled rotting cabbage to boiled rotting cabbage with pickles has begun.

7. Now that the weather is warmer and there is less need for antifreeze, taxi drivers, bus drivers, and in fact all public transportation workers everywhere are waiting until after breakfast to get drunk on Baijiu.

8. With some forty percent of the population having lost their money gambling over Chinese New Year, the usual number of beggars, police officers, and other members of the thieving classes are back to work with a vengeance (the remaining sixty percent never stopped thieving in the first place).

9. With the warmer temperatures comes a need to close windows and prevent air from circulating.

10. The higher temperatures also bring with them that familiar aroma of rotting faecal matter in the streets, all but forgotten since the beginning of Winter. As an added bonus, it’s now warm enough for people to move their toilet activities outdoors.

Spring! When Indoor Activities Move Outdoors!

Posted in China | 42 Comments »

It’s [Adjective] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, February 2, 2009

Today’s adjective is:

frowsy

Definition:
1. dirty and untidy; slovenly.
2. ill-smelling; musty.

Pronunciation: frou-zee

Origin: 1675–85; orig. uncert.

Example: That Wang XiaoJie is a right frowsy harlot, don’tcherknow?

Posted in Adjective Monday | 9 Comments »