Some foreigners say China not great! Ha! China most great since ancient times. China have five thousands years history. You Laowai only exploit poor China, try to keep us from our rightful place as World Hegemon. You’ve bled us white, you bastards. You’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, but from our fathers and from our father’s fathers and from our father’s father’s fathers. What we need you Laowai for, huh? What have Laowai’s ever done for us?

What? Oh, yes, concrete. And glass. But apart from that, what have Laowai’s…

What? Oh yes, baths and showers. Of course, and public sanitation. But, apart from that…

Okay, okay, and public libraries and parks and swimming pools and schools. And hospitals, naturally. What did you say? Oh well, wine and beer, of course wine and beer, that goes without saying, doesn’t it? And yes, street cleaners and paved roads, I’ll admit to that. Fair enough, really. But apart from that, what have…

Yes, all right, fair enough. Carrots and potatoes and apples and grapes. And cats, of course cats. We all love the taste of a good cat kebab, don’t we lads? But… What did you say? Literature? What are you talking about, literature? China has a proud history of literature, including four great novels.

Really? You can’t be serious? Shakespeare had dozens of books? And the West has thousands of great writers and poets? Are you serious? Well, yes, I’ll grant you that four novels does seems a little weak. Okay, so Laowai’s gave us proper literature, but apart from… Right, fair enough, and children’s books. Obviously. But, apart from that…

What do you mean a legal system? We still don’t have one of those, so we should be blaming the Laowai’s. And what are you talking about, peace? Stopping us from invading our neighbours is an interference in our internal affairs. Bloody and damn Laowai’s!

A working calendar? Really? Is that where it came from? The 24-hour day, too? Well I never… Hmmm, firearms? S’pose so. The wheel, really? Pottery? From Japan you say? Rice cultivation? Honestly? Weaving too, huh? Decent architecture and construction techniques and bridges and art and cities and public order and firemen and police and public entertainment… Okay, I’ll accept all that. Right, yes, bread. Obviously bread, it isn’t like we’d come up with something like bread on our own, is it? Knives and forks? Goes without saying, that does. Telephones and electricity and television and tall buildings too, I know. Hong Kong and Shanghai and Tsingdao and the Forbidden City? Laowai’s built those from scratch? Really? Why did they just give those places to us and walk away, then? Oh, I see. What was that? Religion and a system of counting!

All right… All right! But apart from concrete and glass and baths and showers and sanitation and public libraries and swimming pools and schools and hospitals and wine and beer and street cleaners and paved roads and carrots and potatoes and apples and grapes and cats and proper literature and children’s books and the beginnings of a legal system and an imposed peace and a working calendar and the 24-hour day and firearms and the wheel and pottery and rice cultivation and weaving and decent architecture and construction techniques and bridges and art and cities and public order and firemen and police and public entertainment and bread and knives and forks and telephones and electricity and television and tall buildings and Hong Kong and Shanghai and Tsingdao and the Forbidden City and religion and a system of counting… What have the Laowai’s ever done for us?

What? Oh, a proper language, yes… Shut up!

Back in December I received a polite email from a Chinese reader. This reader had reposted a couple of my articles on a local forum, one which appears frequented by people in the export community, and wanted to make sure that this was okay with me (and to buy me a drink by way of thanks).

The posts in question were A Frank Exchange and How To Place An Order With A Factory.

I took a look at the forum, and it was clear that most of the commenter’s missed the point I was trying to make, and instead focused their attention on whether or not the ‘local’ characters in my posts had a high enough English level.

Now, MyLaowai is not beyond being constructive at times, so I wrote a long reply myself, on the Frank Exchange post. However, that forum is the single most confusing website I have ever seen – it took me ages to work out how to sign up and I’ll be damned if I could figure out how to post a comment even then.

So now it’s here, instead. This post is directed towards Chinese businesspeople in general, and those who are dealing with foreigners in particular. Please be aware that this is supposed to be read in English, as I cannot be certain of the quality of my Chinese. I apologise in advance for any errors.

Enjoy…

Hello Forum,

I am the original author of “A Frank Exchange”. I have been reading your comments with interest, and there are a few things I would like to say.
我是”A Frank Exchange”的作者。我读了你们的评论，想发表我的一些看法。

First of all, the article is intended as parody, i.e. a humorous version of a true thing. Although the email exchanges did not actually take place, they are based on true events, and those events occur every day to me, to all of my business friends and colleagues in China, and to pretty much every person doing business in China, regardless of the language used.

首先，这篇文章是模仿题材，是真实事件的幽默版本。虽然，那些邮件交流并不是真的，但也是依据日常发生在我身上的事实，发生在我的商业伙伴和同事身上，和其他在中国的商人身上，不管使用的语言是什么。

Secondly, and more importantly, I notice that many of you focus on the issue of whether or not the Chinese company employee has a high enough English level. Of course, any company wishing to do international business, or who wishes to sell their products outside of their local market, must have someone who is reasonably fluent in the language of the customer. I assume that you all understand the words in the article, which means that your English level is quite sufficient for most non-technical communications in English. That said, however, the problems illustrated in my article are not related to an insufficient grasp of English – they are much more serious:

其次，更重要的是，我注意到许多的评论都专注中国的雇员们是否使用流利的英语。当然，任何想做国际贸易的公司都会雇佣能较流利使用客户母语的员工。 我相信你们都能理解这篇文章，说明大家的非科技英语水平还是不错的。但是，我文章中提到的问题并不和英语的好坏有直接关系—更严重的问题是：

– The company employee does not read the emails from the customer. S/he makes an assumption based on the first few words, and does not take the time to read the remainder properly. You cannot answer a question or solve a problem until you know and understand what it is that the other person is saying, and for that you need to read / listen fully and completely. If you don’t understand something, you must say so directly and then ask questions relating to the part you don’t understand.

这些公司的员工没有仔细阅读客户的邮件。他们只看到一开头的几个单词，就以为知道客户的要求，没有花时间看完客户的邮件。如果你不知道他人的意思，你不可能回答或解决对方的问题。你只能仔细阅读或倾听别人的想法。如果你不懂其中的意思，你应该直接寻求对方的解释。

– The company employee does not answer any of the customer’s questions at first, and does not provide information in a clear and concise way. Attachments that are huge, in strange formats, and that contain out of date or incorrect information will only make a customer angry. Be organised with your information.

这些公司的员工们没有首先回答客户的问题，也没有给出简明的信息。常常发给客户很大的附件，里面的数据是过时的或错误的，这就使客户光火。请好好组织一下产品信息。

– If the customer needs to know something, then he needs to know it. Telling him “don’t worry about it” is probably the worst thing you can do, unless you tell him exactly why he doesn’t need to worry about it. Vague reassurances only serve to worry people more than ever, and create mistrust. Giving your customers honest, timely, direct and complete information (whether or not they ask all the questions), will lead to more, better, happier customers every time.

告诉客户想知道的信息，只是告诉对方“请勿担心“是最糟糕的方式，除非你能告诉他不需要担心的具体理由。模糊的安慰词语只会让他人更担心，并造成不信任感。给客户诚实，及时，直接和完整的信息（不管他们是否问到这个问题没有），会使你拥有更多对你满意的客户。

– The company’s employees do not share any information with each other (or with the company!). We all know the reasons for this, but the simple fact is that without trust, no family / company / society / country can truly make progress. Social development is a by-product of trust – without trust, there can be no meaningful relationships and no worthwhile future. It all starts with trust, and although there are times when that trust is abused, it should not stop you trusting again.

公司的员工内部没有共享信息（或和公司共享）。原因是不明而喻的，但是如果没有信任，任何家庭/公司/社会/国家都不能有真正的发展。社会的进步是信任的产品，缺乏信任，将没有有意义的关系和有价值的未来。虽然，有时候信任被滥用，但是也不能因此而停止你对他人的信任。

I know these things because I am a customer, as well as a supplier. I have been in business for many, many years (and in quite a few countries), so I know what I am talking about. The problems described here and in my article are all extremely common in China, but I do also appreciate that some people (such as yourselves) would like to improve the situation. Please take what I have said as constructive criticism; that is the way it is intended. After all, if you improve your skills, then my job gets easier too.

我知道这些事情是因为我是一个客户，也是一个供应商。我从事商业工作很多年，在不同的国家中，所以我知道自己在说什么。这篇文章里谈到问题在中国都非常普遍，但我对有些朋友（比如说你们）想改变现状的愿望表示感谢。请把我说的事情看作是积极的批评，这也是我的初衷。毕竟，如果你们能提高做生意的技巧，我的工作也会方便一些。

Thank you, and may you enjoy a wonderful New Year.

谢谢大家，希望你们都有一个美妙的新年！

MyLaowai.

Dear Filipino people,

By now you must surely be aware that it is September, the first month after June that ends in -er. Therefore, and ergo, it is time to put up your Christmas decorations. After all, they’ve been packed away since April, and we wouldn’t want them to gather dust, would we?

I do love the Filipino people and their devotion to tiresome and depressing Catholic festivals. No one else even bothers any more. And it isn’t just the cult-Christian festivals they celebrate, either. Oh, no! There isn’t a barrio in existence that doesn’t have it’s own festival for something-or-other, from MacArthur’s ‘return’ to celebrating endangered plants and animals. Best of all is the weekly festival in which they overthrow their government for corruption and excess shoe consumption, and replace it with an entirely new government (which will be overthrown the following weekend for corruption and excess shoe consumption).

Honestly, it’s wonderful.

Here’s a short-list of the more popular festivals, which the Filipino people enthusiastically celebrate:

Feast Of The Black Nazarene, Biniray, Lingayen Gulf Landing, Ati-Atihan, Tultugan, Sinulog, Caracol Sa Makati, Vigan Town Fiesta, Apribada, Dinagyang, Hot Air Balloon, Feast Of Our Lady Of Candles, Festival Of Hearts, Laoag City And Province (Pamulinawen), San Fernando, La Union, Tinagba, International Bamboo Organ, Tawo, Dia De Zamboanga, Panagbenga, Santiago City Arts Month, Sambalilo, Suman, Kalilangan, Itik-Itik, Sibug Festival, Kaamulan, Arya Abra, Sandugo, Araw Ng Dabaw, Pintados De Pasi, Homonhon Landing, Mt. Manunggal, Sinigayan, First Mass In The Philippines, Easter, Moriones, Lenten Festival Of Herbal Preparation, Semana Santa, Agoo Semana Santa, Salubong, Cutud Lenten Rites, Kalilang, Kadaugan Sa, Mactan, Tanduyong, Conquer Mt. Apo, Bankarera, Cassava, Binirayan, Pasalamat La Carlota, Tapusan, Bohol, Pista’y Dayat, Alinsangan Boa-Boahan, Carabao Carroza Race, Rodeo Pilipino, Pahiyas, Magayon, Pineapple, Flores De Mayo / Santacruzan, Hundred Islands, Manggahan Sa Guimaras, Bolibong Kingking, Panagyaman, Antipolo Pilgrimage, Bangkero, Pahiyas/Mayon/Agawan, Mudpack Festival, Pinyahan Sa Daet, Parada Ng Lechon, Tacloban Pintados Festival, Buklog, Baragatan, Pili, Taong-Putik, Araw Ng Maynila, Sublian Sa Batangas, Sandugo Festival, Kinabayo Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of Piat, Sagayan, Pagoda, Cordillera Day, Pinta Flores, Tinalak, Simbalay, Kadayawan Sa Dabaw, Adlaw Hong Butuan, Palo, Kaadlawan Han Samar, Kalibongan, Kidapawan Fruit, Lubi-Lubi, Buyogan, Bonok-Bonok Festival & Silop Cave Adventure, Peñafrancia Viva La Virgen, Tuna Sa Gensan, Sarakiki, Panagdadapun, T’boli Tribal, Araw Ng Siquijor, Zamboanga Hermosa Festival, Masskara Festival, Lanzones Festival, Siargao Surfing Cup, Ibalong, La Naval, Catandungan, A Battle Of Surigao Strait, Fiestang Kuliat (Tigtigan, Terakan Keng Dalan), Sagingan, Leyte Gulf Landing, Pinta Flores Festival, Feast Of San Clemente / Higantes, Kansilay, Helubong, Sanduguan, Guinakit Of Maguindanao, Mt. Pinatubo Trek, P’yagsawitan, Feast Of The Immaculate Conception, Shariff Kabunsuan Festival, Giant Lantern Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of The Immaculate Concepcion, Olongapo Festival, Grand Marian Procession, Christmas Symbols, Daro Sinulog.

Phew! That’s a hell of a list! (my personal favourite is the Carabao Carroza Race, which features the fastest water buffaloes in the area pulling bamboo carts – it’s a real heart-stopper).

So, the MyLaowai travel recommendation for this (or, indeed, any) month, is to visit the Philippines, and partake in about a million festivals. Just don’t go in early September, because that’s when the Christmas decorations are being put up.

Statutory Health Advisory: Walking past Filipino girls in the street, or even in another street, has been known to cause pregnancy, leading to marriage complications, extended families, and eventually death. Excessive caution is advised. MyLaowai accepts no responsibility for failure on your part to leg it to the nearest airport and take the first flight out to anywhere, in the event the above symptoms present themselves.

Created by Bar Stools.
A Conservative Estimate.