Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

China Full of Shit? No, Way Beyond That.

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 8, 2011

Living in China presents unique challenges. For me, one of those challenges is reading China Daily without dying of laughter.

Seriously, reading any media is always an exercise of filter the propaganda, read between the lines etc. But China Daily? OMG. Plagiarism, lies that stink to heaven and back, bald-faced propaganda and… shit that they say that they simply don’t realize us ‘cultured educated folk’ (yes, yes I know you avid xenophobes, we are the barbarians and you are the cultured race – HA!) look at this shit and laugh.

Today, right now, this is too much.

The article starts with “A photo of a good-looking flatbread maker has created a frenzy on China’s twitter-like Weibo service, catapulting the figure – a 22-year-old Xinjiang native – to overnight fame.”

Wow. Food for thought

IT GETS BETTER KIDDIES!!! Let’s read another article:

China’s high-speed rail better than Shinkansen.
A spokesman of the Ministry of Railways (MOR) said Thursday that China’s high-speed rail technologies are much better than those used by Japan’s Shinkansen Line. The remarks by the MOR spokesman, Wang Yongping, came after Japanese company Kawasaki Heavy Industries Ltd. threatened to take action if China files for patents on high-speed trains made using Japanese technologies. “The Beijing-Shanghai high-speed railway and Japan’s Shinkansen line cannot be mentioned in the same breath, as many of the technological indicators used by China’s high-speed railways are far better than those used in Japan’s Shinkansen,” Wang said, rejecting the Japanese accusation of pirating. “We Chinese will not claim technologies owned by others as our own. And we will never give up our rights to file patent applications for innovations developed through our efforts and wisdom because of others’ irresponsible remarks,” he said.

Let’s take a deep breath, well, everyone except the KTV girls servicing the government officials: it’s difficult to draw a breath when you… let’s leave that thought alone huh? Toothpicks tickling your throat are always annoying.

High speed rail? Where DID that come from China? Oh yes. That’s right. Other countries (let’s not mention any names like GERMANY shall we) offered to build you an example, and in return you would consider taking on their engineering services. What did you do China? R&D, yes. Ripoff And Duplicate.

Nuclear reactors? Oh shit guys. Canada. Remember them? They built your first reactors for you on the premise you would buy Canadian uranium. What did you do? “3q wery much. We now copy them and buy Australian Uranium.”

Should I go on? Like how Baidu is the biggest infringer of IP in the world, and is an SOE?

No, let’s return to that original article. To quote again: “…on China’s Twitter-like Weibo service”

Why is it that Twitter, Facebook, Google Maps etc are under attack (and blocked by the Great Firewall) in China? Here is a simplified version of the government dialogs: “Shit, these pricks make money. Hey, let’s ban such things unless they a) have a license they have paid a crapload for and have agreed to the next point; b) cede total censorism to us; c) are owned by Chinese”

This wouldn’t be a good rant unless I circularly returned to the original statement:

“The case of a John Doe coming under the spotlight occurs on an irregular basis in China, as netizens develop an interest in hyping up the ordinary”

Oh dear. Someone please book me a hernia repair operation. Irregular? Yeah, only a few times every year. Brother Sharp. Lotus Little Sister. Etc. Why? Well, if you study the word gossip, you will find that people with no lives take extraordinary interest in people with unusual lives.

China. A country of people with no life, no creativity, and an atavistic love of fucking everyone else over at any cost. Welcome! Come here! NOT

Posted in Guest Post | 18 Comments »

There is Still Hope

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 1, 2011

How does one go about describing doing business in China? I mean, really? Sure, there are all the obvious adjectives like “dishonest”, “shitty”, “dirty”, “filthy”, “corrupt”, “primitive”, “festering” and so on and so on. But whilst all those adjectives are certainly spot on and absolutely correct, they don’t really give people in the civilised world much of an idea as to what it’s like here in The Land That Time Forgot.

A good friend of mine describes doing business in China as asking someone to paint the fence white, and suddenly two dozen people are running around in circles looking for black paint (the fence, or what’s left of it after they’ve ‘fixed’ it a few times, is eventually painted red and then falls over).

And that’s a pretty accurate description in my experience.

Take an actual example: Two days ago I asked one of my employees to call the courier and arrange for him to pick up a small parcel the following day. Just that, nothing else. Within half an hour there were discussions regarding which courier to use, which country it was going to, how heavy it was, what rate was applicable, the whole nine yards. At this point I intervened and politely pointed out that I wanted the same fucking courier we have always used and that the weight, destination, colour, shape, and any other variable were nobody’s fucking business except mine, and could the person I had originally asked simply call the fucking courier and would everyone else mind awfully going back to work and doing 60% of the job they were actually hired to do?

The next morning I asked what exact time the courier was expected, because I had plenty to do and couldn’t afford to be sat on my thumb all day waiting for him. I was told “before 12pm”, which is about as much use as a chocolate fireman when it comes to accuracy, but is nevertheless the best one ever gets in China. Naturally, the courier arrived at 1pm. He picked up the parcel, and departed. You might think that’s the end of the story, but that’s only because you haven’t been paying attention these last few years.

I received a call on my phone today from the employee who arranged for the courier to come and pick up the parcel. It seems there are now many problems and matters of intense confusion, with the inevitable result that the parcel will cost twice as much to send, it will be sent on the wrong waybill, it might not get there at all because someone decided to re-write the address and now it’s not readable, there is no longer a destination city, the commercial invoice is missing in action, and what colour did I want the fence painted? Please keep in mind that this employee is one of the better ones.

This happens every single time I send anything by courier. And I do mean every. single. time.

And that, to me, is what doing business in China is like.

Have a happy weekend, my little croissants. I’m off to elbow an old woman in the back of the neck.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Fact Friday, Motivational! | 48 Comments »

Creative Solutions Inc.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, June 27, 2011

As anyone with several neural connections knows, China is a land of many, err, challenges. From an under supply of harmonicas, to an over supply of river mud crabs, we need to find creative and novel solutions. However, dealing with the, err, issues here is a difficult task being that they are so multitudinous. So ideal solutions should solve several problems at once.

We warmly invite our valued readers to find some new ideas.

To get the ball rolling, I have devised a few solutions.

The Cunt Flavoured Beer Company
No, we don’t mean it tastes like Hu Jin Tao. We mean it tastes like bearded clam, fur pie, muff… This product solves two problems at once: the lack of flavour in Chinese swill, and the lack of desire in Chinese men to please their women. Investors are eagerly being sought now.

The RMB Toilet Paper Company
Reduces paper usage, removes poor quality notes from circulation thus reducing inflation as there is less money moving around. Also reminds us that anything that can be bought with RMB is probably shit anyway. Investors needed.

We were going to try and introduce Moral Sensitive Sunglasses, but the prototypes never become translucent within the mainland. Hope you can devise some more.

Posted in Guest Post | 9 Comments »

It’s the Little Things

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I’ve been on the road lately. Actually, the last few months have been a whirlwind of airports and planes and hotel rooms, and there just hasn’t been any time left over for this. Sorry about that. My apologies also to the people who have sent in Guest Posts – I will definitely put some of them up in the next few days.

In the meantime, here’s something for you to consider: When one travels as much as I have recently, one sometimes loses track of where one is. Airports all look the same and it just so happens that there are days when I myself don’t know which country I’m in any longer. As a result, I tend to look for small clues, unique to each country, that help me identify the place. For example, if you are looking idly at a girl and thinking “not bad tits” but you have the feeling that something isn’t quite right, and you then notice the five o’clock shadow on the lip and the mole with the long, luxuriant hairs growing out of it, and then you realise you’re actually looking at a collection of walking, inherited chromosomal disorders, and then you notice a wetness on your cheeks caused by your eyes bleeding because the smell is so intense that your sinuses have prolapsed, and that the appalling shrieks and jabberings around you are not, in fact, from the Baboon House at London Zoo, but are in fact being emitted by the general population around you, and then you notice that not all the wetness on your cheeks is blood, because your eyes are in fact also streaming with tears of self-pity, because your subconscious is a bit quicker on the uptake than you are…

… THAT’S the moment you know you are back in China.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | 4 Comments »

The Moral Compass

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, May 16, 2011

The Moral Compass

I have this device called a Moral Compass. You probably do, too. Most of us have them, in fact. And they’re really useful things to have around – they sort of let us know what the right thing to do is, which is very handy in this crazy, mixed-up world.

But the problem is, Moral Compasses don’t always point due north, as it were. Or, rather, one person’s due north is another person’s sou’sou’east. Whatever, the point is they don’t all point the same way. For instance, there are people out there who are quite prepared to strap a bomb to their chest and detonate it in a cafe. Now, I totally get the reason why, I really do. I can even empathise with these people. But it isn’t the way my Moral Compass points and I would be hard-pressed to find a situation where I’d approve of that. If you are one these people, rest assured that I find it equally repulsive when other people bomb your village from thirty thousand feet and then refer to what’s left of everyone you knew as “collateral damage” or “insurgents”. My Moral Compass doesn’t point that way at all, for which I am eternally grateful.

The Moral Compass is a very tricky device, and sometimes it leads us astray, but though it may be a flawed tool, it’s the best that many of us have. But because it is so tricky, I generally refer to it in only two situation: when I am not remotely sure of what I should do; and when I am absolutely sure of what I should do. Those are the times when the Moral Compass is most useful.

But it is flawed, nevertheless, and has a tendency to drift over time. And so, therefore, sometimes it needs calibration from an external reference point. My reference point is a chap by the name of John Chinaman.

You may have met John Chinaman – he does get around, certainly. I keep bumping into him wherever I travel. And the nice thing about John Chinaman, is that his Moral Compass always points 180 degress the opposite of what I want mine to point to. I just compare my Moral Compass to his, and if they are not 180 degrees in opposition, then I know it’s mine that needs adjusting, because John Chinaman’s Moral Compass hasn’t shown any change since the dawn of time.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are lost as to the correct course of action, or alternatively are so very certain of yourself that you cannot be persuaded of another’s viewpoint, then take a look at John Chinaman’s Moral Compass and adjust your course accordingly.

There’s something in that for all of us.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Rules of the Road | 33 Comments »

Burial At Sea

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, May 8, 2011

Being buried at sea is an old, established, and very tradition method of being buried. Sir Francis Drake was buried at sea, as was Sir Edmund Hillary and Alfred Hitchcock. Lots of Hollywood stars have been buried at sea, as were quite a few passengers aboard the RMS Titanic. And now, we have a new celebrity joining the list:

Nice one, Navy.

Posted in Media, Motivational! | Leave a Comment »

Wanted Dead or Alive, but Mostly Dead

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, May 2, 2011

I am reliably informed that Usama Bin Laden has been killed, though the details are not as yet clear.

This is a very good thing, as it will save the FBI from the embarrassment of a trial at which the prosecution is not able to present any evidence that will stand up to cross-examination. Not that I doubt in the slightest that the accused was guilty of everything he was accused of. Good riddance to bad rubbish I reckon. I only hope they bury him wrapped inside a pig’s carcass, in a nice, deep grave. Face down.

Now that that’s all settled, can we perhaps go after the really bad guys, like Hu ‘the butcher‘ Jintao for instance? Or are we going to allow ‘business as usual’ to determine who is considered Bad?

Posted in Newsflash | 86 Comments »

Design-A-Logo Contest

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 27, 2011

According to the South China Morning Post, “China’s space programme is asking the public to come up with a name and logo for a space station it plans to launch into orbit in the future.”

Here are the three front-runners, as they will look when in service:

Takeaway Station
Jiuquan No.6 Golden Dragon Lucky Garden Rice Bowl Station
“In Space, No One Can Taste Melamine“

***

Laundry Station
Dongfeng No.39 Red & Yellow Super-Lucky Double-Happy Wonderful Laundry Station
“In Space, No One Can Hear You Steam“

***


Peking No.888 Extra-Long-Time Wonderful Lucky Happy-Ending Massage and Donut Emporium
“In Space, No One Can See You Cream“

Posted in You're Joking? | 6 Comments »

Why Come To China?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why come to China?

A fucking good question, one pondered quickly and accurately by most laowai as “No why. No come.” (translated for the benefit of our darling, slanty-eyed friends  who insist that Chinglish is a valid language. I’d hate to leave them out of this, seeing as they constantly pester me for this answer.)

Of course, we all have our diplomatic answers. That is, we (the round-eyed big-nosed etc FOREIGNERS) have learnt, rapidly, that you bow-legged buck-teethed freaks couldn’t lie straight in bed if you were clamped in an iron maiden! So we, follow suit.

To cut to the chase, my puerile prepubescent peasants, and for once, I will forgo hyperbole and other forms of misdirection, this is the simple god’s own truth of why I came to China.

I fell in love with an American girl on WoW. She was so damaged goods, but after a lifetime of nurture (foreign concept, ask a local laowai) she was actually way cool. She died of cancer literally the week before my arrival. A real bitch. No, not her, the story, Jesus.

So, I was at an all time low. Chinese chick offered to pay my plane fare, outstanding bills (yeah, that second divorce was a real bitch, she was paid, but I had a few small bills left outstanding in my name at that point in time, about 2 months salary here, or two weeks salary back in homeland…), get me a job etc. All for one transaction.

Now here is where you Chinese girls can have a knowing chuckle, and you Chinese guys can sit down, have another goddam drink, and listen up.

After 42 years of life, she just wanted her first orgasm.

Highly educated, she had heard about these O things. Oh, she had tried, not only with her husband, but after 4 sexless years with him, a few other sex partners as well. She knew, physically, what had to be done. She is, after all, a PE professor chicky babe. You know, Grey’s Anatomy can be quoted direct? Anyway…

I am not bragging folks, just simple goddamn reality. Arrived on the plane (15 hours non-stop thanks, hardly conducive to maximum performance), we found a suitable 4 star hotel to her tastes, and… her lifetime dream achieved.

Now, to brag, but truthfully, and you foreign bastards can also sigh and weep, she, and a couple of girls since, experienced the “blow and still go”. As a PE professor, she was literally applauding. The other few since, had no idea that they were getting the impossible (& wet) dream. Yeah guys, drop your load and don’t stop. THEN, think about leaving a comment. Gotta love her line though my dear Laowai : “You are a special man!” x lots. Yep, she really knew and loved every fucking second of it. She’ll not get it again. She’ll never forget those times and the completely crap way she ended up treating me… But that’s one of those stories for another time and place. Like most Chinese agree, Laowai appear under the level of Chinese dog. See many articles here for supporting arguments.

Why do choose to stay here? Well, that’s another answer, for another time, and certainly after I take care of this 18yr old I am rejuvenating from. No blow and go for her, she’s too tight, it even hurts me.

– DaBizarre

Posted in Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | Leave a Comment »

UbuntuJONAS (Jew-On-A-Stick Edition)

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 22, 2011

* For Harold – Happy Easter *

There is a difference, it would appear, between an IT fanatic and a fanatic IT person. The former has lots of cool gadgets and gizmo’s and things with flashing lights, whilst the latter causes their neighbours to worry about the safety of their kids.

For instance, I am well aware that there is a debate between users of Microsoft and Apple over which Operating System is best, or between users of Nokia and Android and Apple over which phone is best, or between users of Apple and everyone else over everything. Or, possibly, over iEverything. And that’s all well and good, because in the final analysis most of us just want to read our emails, play some games, and watch porn – and pretty much every computer and every OS ever built allow us to do just that.

And that appears to be a problem if you are a fanatic IT person:

Ubuntu Christian Edition is a free, open source operating system geared towards Christians. It is based on the popular Ubuntu Linux. Ubuntu is a complete Linux-based operating system, freely available with both community and professional support. The goal of Ubuntu Christian Edition is to bring the power and security of Ubuntu to Christians. Ubuntu Christian Edition is suitable for both desktop and server use.

Now, you might shake your head at the insanity of it all. You might chuckle about the daft way folks behave in certain religiously-extreme parts of the world. You might even (as I did) throw up your hands in despair and go back to your porn. But the tech guy here at MLHQ was genuinely curious and began a private investigation of this Ubuntu Jew-On-A-Stick Edition. His findings were rather interesting…

Ubuntu Christian Edition was made in only seven days, and kernel configuration is done through the make godconfig command. This generates a perfect .config file. It knows what your hardware needs and which modules you will need. The init process has been replaced by the genesis process. Finally, in order to work properly, Ubuntu Christian Edition needs to be activated online with a procedure called Baptism.

Ubuntu Christian Edition has only 10 commands, one of which is the confess command that deletes your logs and caches.

To install Wine in Ubuntu Christian Edition, you simply enter apt-get install water.

The hand cursor in Ubuntu Christian Edition’s browser has stigmata.

If you right-click on Wanda the Fish whilst logged as root in Ubuntu Christian Edition, you get in the popup menu the option multiply.

Ubuntu Christian Edition doesn’t allow one to put a network interface into promiscuous mode, and only married processes can fork children. Multiplication problems can only be done using the FORTH programming language, as in “Go forth and multiply”. Cloning is strictly forbidden.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition to find the meaning of a function you’ll have to type bible (name of the function) instead of man (name of the function).

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, a special BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death) has been introduced, which looks like a long shining tunnel (LSTSOD).

In Ubuntu Christian Edition the mount command calls the sermon script. Ensuring you always get a sermon on the mount.

There is no abort() support in Ubuntu Christian Edition’s glibc, and the sin() function has been removed from libm.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, all documents are saved by grace through faith, and you can only burn heretic CD’s.

With Ubuntu Christian Edition, you don’t need to surf the web. You can walk on it.

Dual boot is not possible in Ubuntu Christian edition. “Thou shalt have no other operating systems before Me…”.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, there can be only root and 12 more users, one of which will help hackers to access the system.

When the system has been idle for a few minutes, Ubuntu Christian Edition starts praying to save the screen.

If you uninstall Ubuntu Christian Edition, it will automatically re-install after three days.

Ubuntu Christian Edition’s Nautilus file browser has been replaced by Noah’s Ark file browser. It features an embedded backup function, limited to 40 days. And for 40 days before Easter, Ubuntu Christian Edition works in text mode only. Ubuntu Christian Edition processes can respawn only at Easter. And you can never get the system nailed down: It would be blasphemous.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition the default location for saved files is /heaven, EOF is replaced by AMEN, and the media player automatically discovers hidden backward messages in rock music.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition there are no zombie processes. No Voodoo in good Christian systems. Ubuntu Christian Edition also hasn’t got any configuration Wizard. No superstition in serious Christian systems.

Ubuntu Christian Edition won’t run on Apple computers. He said not to touch them.

An algorithm developed in Ubuntu Christian Edition does not need proofs.

Ubuntu Christian Edition’s man pages are dogmatic.

If a process dies in Ubuntu Christian Edition, it reaches eternal life. Without error code, it goes to the Holy Data Structure of Heaven; with error code, it is damned to the infamous Data Structure of Hell.

There are no direct broadcast messages from root in Ubuntu Christian Edition: there are special Prophet users who deliver them.

Ubuntu Christian Edition networking refuses to work with FreeBSD.

If you install successfully S.A.T.A.N. (Security Auditing Tool for Analysing Networks) on Ubuntu Christian Edition, you get a kernel panic as you reboot.

Ubuntu Christian Edition does not have daemons.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Fact Friday, Festivals et al | 4 Comments »

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