Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Trade Fairs

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 9, 2007

China, as many of you may be aware, is home to an increasingly large number of Trade Fairs. A few of them are even worth going to. Some of them, of course, are merely put on to allow the local Party boys to claim expenses, and a large number are attended only by a handful of local companies who have been instructed to attend by the local Party bosses, in order to make them look good, but there are nevertheless a few that actually are important. Some, such as the Import and Export Fair in Canton, are quite useful.

China likes to think of Shanghai as being it’s premier business city. Never mind my personal views on that for now, let’s just go along with it. Shanghai, in turn, likes to think that the New International Expo Centre is it’s numero uno exhibition venue. And I will admit, it isn’t a bad place – apart from the obvious issues with poor access, hopeless organisation, and all the usual gripes, the place itself is large enough and modern enough to cope with most demands, and in fact there are events there almost every week.

Now, every time I go to a trade fair in China, I see the thieves at work – not the commercial thieves who are there just to steal your product ideas, but the petty thieves who steal whatever isn’t bolted down and then sell it in the street outside. Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre is a favourite haunt for these guys, and their number one target is not, as you might expect, the buyers. Oh no, it is in fact the exhibitors themselves. In particular, the notebook computers that the sales guys use.

If you are exhibiting at a trade fair in China, and your notebook computer goes missing, simply walk outside, and buy it back. It’s that easy. If you are exhibiting at the Shanghai New International Expo Centre, then you will need to walk a couple of blocks to the Long Yang Lu subway station.

Every year it is the same. Waves of petty crime and theft. Until this year. This year, the police had finally had enough of this petty crime, and took steps to bring it under control…

They took over the theft themselves.

Now, when you exhibitors lose your notebook computers, and you go outside to buy it back (Long Yang Lu subway station when at Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre), look for the nearest uniformed police officer. He is providing protection for the guy who stole your property, and he will make sure that the thief gets a fair price (how else will he be able to afford the protection fee?).

Welcome to China, enjoy your stay.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Corruption, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Build A Civilised Nation

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Howard French, in a recent article, wrote:

Chinese people are being urged to be “civilized,” that being a word plucked directly from many of the slogans and banners. China’s nanny state implores them to stop spitting, to form lines, to respect traffic signals when crossing the street, and on and on.

Fine ideas, but there is something touching about the sudden rush to drum these messages home in time for the massive arrival of foreigners: It leaves one with the feeling that face and image matter more than substance in such things. After all, rampant grubby behavior had been just fine up until now.

If making the right impression is paramount, however, I would like to contribute another suggestion that could go a long way. Living in Shanghai, China’s most cosmopolitan city, for the last four years I have been continually struck by the vast gulf that seems to exist in people’s minds between Chinese and foreigners.

I first discovered this through my hobby, photography, which led me to wander through the city’s working class neighborhoods, where at every turn I hear cries of “lao wai.”

The words constitute a slightly uncouth slang for foreigner. Literally, they mean “old outsider.”

Quite often, these murmurings are accompanied by a mocking, sing-song uttering of the English greeting “hello.” The tone is unmistakable, and it is not friendly.

Now, many accuse Mr. French of being lazy when it comes to his reporting. For my part, I’d have to go along with that on occasion, but he does at least possess the uncommon virtue of actually knowing what the hell he is talking about, when it comes to China. Few reporters or journalists understand what is really going on, what things really mean, and then have the balls to go ahead and write about it – but for this Mr. French gets my support and a voucher for a free martini any time he decides to pay me a visit.

But does he go far enough? It’s one thing to simply say that the Chinese are not civilised, but should one not also offer suggestions and advice to the savages on how to be civilised? As more civilised peoples, do we not have an obligation to those living in the darkness, to bestow upon them the light of reason?

Of course we do.

Personally, I think it’s wonderful that the Chinese Communist Party is telling people not to spit everywhere, to learn to queue, and to cross the road only when the light is green. And of course, Mr. French is correct when he says that abusing foreigners in the street is not the hallmark of a civilised society. I’ve got a few more small points I’d like to add…

1. There’s this wonderful new device, which the Chinese themselves claim to have invented in 1498, just fifteen centuries after the Romans stole the idea from them. It’s called a ‘toothbrush’. I’m not entirely convinced that the Chinese invented it (after all these are the people who claim to have invented oxygen, the Olympics, and grass), but it is a safe bet that 99% of the worlds’ toothbrushes are manufactured here. Which is odd, because I’ve yet to meet a single Chinese who understands the concept of brushing ones teeth. Ever. C’mon chaps and chappettes, give it a go – surely life would be more civilised if you didn’t have a mushroom farm growing in your mouth? It would certainly make you nicer to sit next to on the bus, if you didn’t smell like a rotting goat carcass every time you opened your mouth. Remember: nice breath = civilised breath.

2. Washing – yes, that’s right. Modern science has shown that washing is actually not going to attract devils and demons, despite what your so-called culture claims. Furthermore, it might actually improve your heath and reduce the number of diseases you carry, contrary to what your witchdoctors have claimed. It’s not hard to do, either – simply use water to remove the dirt from your body (drinking a cup of piss tea does not count, sorry). Learn about a mystical substance known as soap. Civilised people have used it for thousands of years.

3. A word on using the toilet: Just Do It. The process is really rather simple – first, find a toilet (note: gardens, walls, roads, holes in the ground, and the hand-basins in KFC are NOT toilets). Raise the oval-shaped lid to the upright position. Leave the ring-shaped lid where it is (Chinese girls will want to use it, and so should Chinese ‘men’). Sit down (don’t squat on the seat), after first removing your pants. Excrete away. Use paper to wipe your arse if you have done a poo-poo, or shake your Tiny Tim free of droplets if you have done a pee-pee. Under no circumstances wipe your arse with your hands, your trousers, or your shirt. Stand up, pull up your trousers, and flush the toilet. Examine the bowl – is it free of waste? If not, flush again. Lower the oval-shaped lid to the horizontal position. Wash your hands (refer point 2). You have just committed a civilised act. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

4. The word ‘litter’ refers not only to your offspring, but also to the crap you are forever and endlessly dumping on the ground without regard to society, sanitation, or Mother Nature. Actually, the meaning is identical either way. Look around – see if you can spot something called a ‘litter bin’. It’s a large container (usually green or yellow or blue), with a hole in the top. Place your refuse inside this container. Please be aware that you are not supposed to then empty the contents of the litter bin all over the footpath in a search for old bottles. This is not considered civilised behavior.

5. Your mobile phone is an amazing piece of technology – it contains a small radio transceiver that allows you to communicate, via a series of other radio transceivers, with another person using another mobile phone, at great distances. Even though the other person is far away, they can hear you perfectly well, thanks to this miracle of modern technology. You don’t actually have to shout in order for them to hear you – that isn’t civilised.

6. Try listening to other people for a change. Listening is the process of closing your yip-yapping fucking mouth for long enough that someone else can get a word in edge-ways, and then allowing what they are saying to penetrate your tiny little mind. Hold on to that for a moment or two. Allow the words time to sink in. Don’t open your mouth yet – consider the possibility that the other person might actually have said something that you could learn from. When you do open your mouth again to speak, don’t simply ignore what you just heard and start yip-yapping again. That wouldn’t be civilised.

7. Contrary to 5,000 years of experience, domestic violence is not a good thing. Beating your kids to a bloody pulp is not a good thing to do, and giving your wife a jolly good thrashing is not a long-term solution to anything (even though she probably deserves it, especially if she is a Shanghainese aged 35-50 with her hair tied up in a bun). Wives, the same applies to you (even if he is a useless twat with erectile dysfunction and a gambling habit). Using the excuse that “this is China” will not carry any weight here, folks – domestic violence is not civilised.

8. Here’s a thought: try not telling your kids that all foreigners are called ‘Uncle Big Nose’, or any of the other delightful names you have for us. In particular, I address this point to my neighbour, whose kid is now very close to getting my M-11 tactical knife through his cheeks. Frankly, we’re all a bit tired of constantly hearing your racist expressions, and don’t consider them either funny or civilised.

9. How is it that you can believe your so-called culture is so superior to that of us barbarians, despite all the evidence to the contrary? Check out the map – China actually isn’t the only place on it. In fact, make a point of looking at the map very closely. There are in fact large chunks of land and sea that you think of as China, but which have belonged to other people “…since ancient times”. I refer, of course, to Tibet, East Turkestan, Mongolia, Taiwan, Korea, Japan, Vietnam, Burma, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii and pretty much everywhere else you tell your schoolchildren is theirs by right. This isn’t one of the hallmarks of a civilised society.

10. Finally, a short comment regarding standing up. When your ancestors came down from the bamboo stalks two generations ago, they realised that they could squat on the ground like baboons, and perch on seats like pigeons. This isn’t the way it happened in civilised places – everybody else straightened their legs and stood up. Standing upright is something that you are capable of, trust me on this.

In humans, the thigh bone slopes inward from the hip to the knee, placing our feet under our center of gravity. We also have muscles on the side of our hips that contract to prevent our bodies toppling to one side when all our weight is on one foot in mid-stride. We have a number of other adaptations to walking upright, as well. Our foot is specialized as a weight-bearing platform, with an arch that acts as a shock absorber. Our spines have a characteristic double curve, which brings our head and torso into a vertical line above our feet. The surfaces of the joints in our legs and between our vertebrae are enlarged, which is an advantage for bearing weight. And the hole through which the spinal cord enters the skull, called the foramen magnum, is near the centre of the cranium in humans, allowing our heads to balance easily atop our spines rather than toward the back of the cranium as in chimps.

…

So, there you have it. Give it a go, and with luck you too can join the Community of Civilised Nations in as little as 5,000 years.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Media | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Wo Shi Laowai?

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 29, 2007

When it comes to foreigners in the Celestial Kingdom, there are a few categories that most seem to fall neatly into. There are the tourists, naturally. They have a fantastic time, and generally leave saying things like “Oh, weren’t the Chinese friendly, they were all so curious and said ‘Hello!’ to Mildred and I everywhere we went” and what-have-you. They also tend to witter on ad infinitum about all the ancient 5,000-year old temples [that didn’t exist ten years ago because they’d all been knocked down during the Cultural Revolution, with the monks still inside at the time, but never mind that small detail]. Oh yeah, tourists have a great time.

Then there are the transients – temporary teachers, short-term students, ‘travellers’. For the purposes of this discussion, I’m going to include them with the tourists.

Then there are the ‘seagulls’, company bigwigs who fly in from Europe and the U.S., make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, and fly back out again. They also have a wonderful time, eating expensive dinners, shagging themselves silly with KTV hostesses and barbershop quartets, staying in the best hotels, and all the rest of it. They believe everything their dick tells them, and leave saying things like “I just don’t understand why Jenkins complains so much. These people promised me everything I asked for, and were so very polite at all times, I’m sure we will have a great future with these people”. There aren’t many of these types, but what they lack in numbers, they make up for in stupidity. Pretty much every Western politician falls into this category.

Of course, there are the company types who actually live here, too. They tend to come in two different flavours – the ones who have been sent here unwillingly, and the ones who applied to come (local hires fit into the second category). There is a bit of overlap here, so if you are in the first category, but live the life of the other, then no offence is intended. The ones who have been sent here against their will are frequently sent here in the same way that people used to be sent to Australia, before England ran out of convicts and the Irish. They simply are so inept that they cannot be allowed to work anywhere where they can cause any harm, but their golden parachutes make firing them too expensive. I’ve met a few who were brilliant at their jobs, though, and they have more in common with the local hires. The convict-types usually live in serviced homes, with local help on call 24/7 to cook, clean, suck dick when the wife’s out, and all the rest of it. They have company cars with drivers, work in air-conditioned offices, shop in ‘foreign-goods’ supermarkets, and generally have a ball. They let their local staff get away with anything and everything, they spend money like water, and they think they actually make a difference. They don’t say anything when they leave, because they can’t leave. Local hires, for the most part, are the opposite, and are in the majority, too.

Most of the good that happens in this benighted Land, happens because foreigners do it. Charities that actually deliver the goods? Development assistance? Technological advances? Management that works? The concept of honesty? Foreign direct investment? Medical aid? It’s a long list, and I’m bored already, but rest assured it comes from foreigners, not the Chinese People. Without foreigners, foreign money and foreign technology, China would slip back into the Stone Age within a year. Ok, perhaps 18 months. China really does have a lot to be thankful for.

But all of us are ‘Laowai’: evil foreign scum who are only here to oppress the good, honest, diligent, hardworking Chinese People. We personally are responsible for keeping China down, for stealing world hegemony from the glorious motherland, and for eating babies. Every bad thing that ever happened here, is our fault – and they never, ever forget it.

Let’s go back to Mildred and her travelmate. Remember how they said that all Chinese are so friendly? Saying “Hello!” to tourists all day long? Well, I’m sorry to have to burst your bubble, but in the words of the legendary Inigo Montoya: I do not think it means, what you think it means. As it happens, “Hello!” in the mouths of the Chinese People has more in common with the words “Jew!” [think 1936, central Europe], or “Boy!” [1903, the deep South]. It isn’t friendly, and it isn’t a greeting.

Now as it happens folks, there are three main holidays in China every year, each one about a week in length (though being a Communist holiday, one is required to work the weekends either side, in order to make up for lost national production). These holidays are not only national events, they are also Nationalist events, and are always preceded by a rise in the level of extreme nationalism one can experience when out in ‘the sticks’. This may come as a surprise to the foreign folk who don’t get out of their ivory towers much, but believe me when I say it’s not only bad, it’s getting worse. It used to be just “Hello!”, but in recent years the locals have become braver, and I know of many, many incidents involving violence. I have been lucky thus far, though I have had a few close encounters of the Sino kind.

Anyway, back to “Hello!”. The reason the yokels say this, is because they don’t know any other English. Of course, some of the brighter lights have learned such gems as “Laowai Fucka You!” (and one particularly hostile lass was shouting “I Love You!” at me in a restaurant once, which brings me back to Inigo Montoya again). I used to get quite angry about this, as I would never accept this behaviour from anyone in my home country, regardless of who they are or who it was directed at, but this year I have changed my tactics. I have prepared a few stock phrases that can be easily shot back, and which will be easily understood. I field-tested them today, as follows:

Local: “Hello! Laowai!” – group of ‘workers’ in the street.
Me: “Tu Baozi!” [lit. dirt dumpling, a scummy peasant]

Local: “Laowai! Fucka!” – group of high school students in the street at lunchtime.
Me: “Wai Di Ren!” [lit. not local person, a country bumpkin]

Local: “Want buy?” – local perched a fence rail, selling stolen cellphones.
Me: “Dui Bu Qi” [an apology] [spoken as I pushed him backwards into the bushes]

In every case, the result was a resounding success. Complete shock, confusion, and inability to comprehend quite how the Laowai was able to speak the complex Chinese language. And by the time the folk in question had sorted themselves out, I was gone.

So, friends and neighbours, if you are going to be here and in contact with The Man In The Street, learn a few words of the local lingo – it really does pay off.

Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui?

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Psych. 101

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 26, 2007

Pychological Test for Potential Employees

To be given to all job applicants. Analysis provided below answer.

…

1. Imagine you have just walked into a Chinese bus, and are shooting all the passengers.
What do you feel?

a/ Terrible sense of remorse / injustice / self-hate.
—> [Ask candidate to remove his/her rose-tinted glasses.]

b/ Sense of righteous justification.
—> [Candidate has probably been here too long. Give him/her a fly to de-wing.]

c/ A slight recoil.
—> [Correct. Remind candidate to allow for this when firing follow-up rounds.]

…

2. You are facing a Chinese beggar, and a deadly cobra. You have in your possession a large-calibre handgun with just two rounds.
What do you do, and in what order?

a/ Shoot the snake, then the Chinese.
—> [Poor situational awareness. Failure to prioritise.]

b/ Shoot the Chinese, then the snake.
—> [Poor judgement of reality.]

c/ Shoot the Chinese. Then shoot it again.
—> [Correct. Assess candidate for management. And accuracy at close ranges.]

…

3. Your Chinese supplier has just told you that you can trust him/her, because he/she is honest.
What is your reaction?

a/ Say how glad you are to hear it, take him/her at his/her word.
—> [Reject application out of hand.]

b/ Laugh out loud.
—> [Whilst fair enough, could be mistaken for agreement. Re-educate.]

c/ Take a photo, to put in the frame entitled ‘The Honest Supplier’, that’s been empty for the last 5,000 years.
—> [Correct. Assess candidate for Purchasing Department.]

…

Assessment to be submitted with Resume / C.V.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Ask MyLaowai

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 13, 2007

Free relationship advice from famous author MyLaowai

Dear MyLaowai:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 38 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he’d been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs Wang Xiaojie.

Dear Wang Xiaojie:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips (hose clamps) holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

MyLaowai.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: | 5 Comments »

Keeping Fit in the PRC

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 1, 2007

Next year, 2008, and the Olympics will be coming home to China, the land that invented them. I know this to be true, because I have seen the 40-minute CCTV documentary that proves it. China – the sporting superpower that gave us cricket, soccer, snowboarding and the Tour de France – is experiencing a wave of sporting enthusiasm the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Grog the Neanderthal first learned to throw a stick javelin. As a patriotic , tax-paying, member of this harmonica harmonius society, I therefore bring to you:

Sports. With Chinese Characteristics. Lah.

1. Remember that kid at school that everyone laughed at? Y’know, the one who would stand by himself in the playground with his legs slightly apart, twisting his torso left and right randomly, with his thin little arms flailing wildly and out of control? Yes, the one everyone called fucktard. Well, the joke’s on you, because it turns out that he was in fact practising the National Morning Exercise Of China. Every morning, half a billion fucktards diligent citizens start their day with this display of uncoordinatedism.

2. If that sounds like a little too much work for you (and certainly I doubt I could make myself do it), then how about this: extend your left arm out to the side, and with your right hand, reach across your chest and slap your left shoulder a dozen times. Repeat with arms reversed. Note that it does help with the reaching across bit if you possess a sunken chest, like pirates and Chinese do.

3. Too motionless for you? No problem. Find a nice open piece of lane and walk shuffle slowly backwards for twenty yards. Turn around. Shuffle back. Repeat until you feel dizzy (twice more should do it). Believe it or not, this is the mainstay of Chinese sports, and the reason for their astounding sense of balance and poise.

4. Not Zen enough? Hey, we got it covered. Stand in one place and wave one arm in a slow circle. That’s it, really.

5. For those of you who are into competitive sports, why spectate when you can expectorate? That’s right, sports fans, ‘Long Distance Spitting’ makes a return to the Olympics as the National Sport Of China. Modifications to the points system include bonuses for green colouration of the phlegm, minimal amounts of spray (sidewash), and slipperiness underfoot at the drop zone.

6. Foreigners haven’t been left out, either. The ‘Hop, Skip & Jump Through The Phlegm & Dogshit Minefield’ (A.K.A. the ‘Streetwalk’) has never been more in vogue. Just watch those laowai go!

7. An old favourite, the ‘Get A Seat On The Bus At Any Cost’ event is sure to be a crowd pleaser. Tickets are sure to sell out fast, so hurry to join the queue.

8. Massage is an ancient and traditional Chinese art. Massage is practised widely throughout the Celestial Kingdom, with salons found at convenient locations everywhere, even just outside primary schools. Simply look for the rotating Traditional ‘Barbers Pole’ outside and the Traditional Diligent Qipao-Wearing Masseuse inside. (* see also Press Up).

9. One of the more demanding sports in China, is the ‘Pretend To Pay For Lunch Or Dinner’ contest. The rules are complex and the action intense, but essentially the aim is to wave your money in the direction of the waiter whilst shouting loudly that you insist on paying, and yet somehow end up with your money back in your manbag and your guest having paid. All this after a fourteen-course meal washed down with a nice blend of Coke and Chateau Laroque. Wow, now that’s sport!

10. Finally, there’s the Special Olympics. China is expected to field the largest team ever, with nearly 1.5 billion competitors eligible for the team. Go get ’em, tiger!

Like the Man says… Just Do It!

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Olympics | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

Virgin on the Ridiculous

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, June 1, 2007

I’m constantly amazed at all the fuss over Jesus Christ. I mean, sure he was a humble furniture manufacturer who hit the big time, and gained access to foreign markets long before the WTO. Yes, he had a great marketing department, and that helped. But it seems to me, that the big reason why he is such a superstar, is the simple fact that his mother was a virgin at the time she conceived.

Big whoops. It happens in China all the time.

Most couples seem to get married around Spring Festival, which varies from February to March as a rule. They do this for what is described as luck and fortune, but in reality it probably has more to do with the number of times the moon flies around the country or somesuch. The key thing, the really important, crucial thing, is that all Chinese girls are ‘Traditional’, which means they all remain virgins until married, and only take it up the stove pipe when shagging around with Johnny Whiteboy.

And now, just three short months after getting married (but nearing nine months after the October holiday), they are preparing to spawn their first litter.

Virgin at time of marriage, sprogs falling out three or four months later… Sounds like a clear-cut case of immaculate conception to me.

Mrs MyLaowai has a sister, and she’s officially Up The Duff. I’m not saying it was a case of Immaculate Conception, though the the phrase ‘shotgun wedding’ does hover on the edge of conscious thought. Anyway, being pregnant and Chinese, she is required to attend pregnancy classes at the local ‘Community Centre’. Mrs MyLaowai went along with her to one of these classes, and this is the first thing she heard the Instructor say:

“Many Chinese think eating fruit is good for the baby’s skin. But they are wrong. In Africa, there’s a lot of fruit growing in the jungle, but the babies all have very bad skin because it is black.”

I shit ye not.

It all got me thinking about the kinds of advice that expectant mothers need to hear. What to eat, how to live, that kind of thing. So, for the benefit of any poor, uncivilised foreigner mothers out there, here’s:

The Official Pregnant Mother Guide With Chinese Characteristics.

1. Wear a lead-lined apron to shield your baby from harmful radiation emanating from the computer monitors at work. If your employer is a foreigner, he should pay for it, as he is a guest in this country.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the photocopier, as the intense radiation could harm your baby’s healthy.

3. Do not watch TV, as it could damage your baby’s eyes.

4. Do not touch cold meat, as it will lead to severe arthritis in later life.

5. Find either a good recipe for Afterbirth Soup, or a rich customer.

6. Practise squatting a lot. It is not only the natural position for giving birth, but means you are able to do so without stepping away from your assembly line. Most Chinese employers will permit you five minutes in which to give birth, provided you keep your industrial output to within 85% of normal.

7. Eat plenty of fish heads. It will make the baby smart, and the thalidomide, mercury, and other vitamins will ensure that your abdomen doesn’t grow painfully large in the third trimester.

8. Ensure that when your parents select a name for your baby, they choose one that is not only legal, but also appropriate. Some good examples could be:
– Serve The Party
– Victorious People’s Army
– Ice Ice *
– Cube Cube *
– Sun In Sky
– Spring Season
– Oh Look, I Just Saw A Bird
– I Want Eat Lunch
– Volcano
– Killer Angel
– Lily

  • But never Ice Cube. That would be silly.

Please note that only traditional Chinese names are legal in China. Any attempt to give your baby a foreigner name will result in the PSB denying your baby official status. That means no hospital, no school, no welfare. Honestly, this is true.

9. After giving birth, don’t look at the baby. If you do, you may find yourself experiencing strange feelings known as ‘maternal compassion’. A better idea, is for your husband’s family to take the baby away for the first six months or so. If it’s a boy, you’ll get your chance in six months. It’s much better for all concerned.

10. Do not, under any circumstances, breast feed your baby if it can possibly be avoided. China produces more than enough plaster of paris baby formula. Furthermore, while you are sitting around at home playing with your breasts, the Nation is losing valuable production. You wouldn’t want to be an Enemy of the Revolution, would you?

Follow these simple guidelines, and all will be well. Oh, seeing as how today is June 1st, happy International Spoiled Bastard With Nintendo Day International OnlyOneChild Day

Happy International (but only in China) Children’s Day.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

I Have A Foreigner Boss

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, May 4, 2007

Whilst it would be untrue to say that anything surprises me any more, it is a fact that I am constantly awestruck by the constantly expressed xenophobia and hatred towards non-Han Chinese here. You can see it (and hear it) walking down the street, you can feel it in the air at times. One place you will see it day after day, is on the internet.

ChinaDaily (the Party mouthpiece) operates, in addition to their ‘news’, a forum. One section of the forum is in English. Now, it being a Party mouthpiece, you will of course understand that every single comment that appears has passed scrutiny by a team of moderators. Forget criticism of the Red Gods, it’ll never appear. Essentially, what you see passes muster and is approved of at high levels. It is, therefore, a good barometer of the current state of affairs in China.

Check out this thread. Some young girl has a new job with a foreign company, and is asking for advice on how to deal with a foreign boss. I reckon it’s a stupid question – do your job and work hard – but it ain’t nearly as bad as some of the replies:

my boss is a foreigner and he is not so well to get along with,nothing about the language

Don’t worry about the language barrier, your foreign boss should understand or he’ll just be an IDIOT.

Be sure of the scope of your work, not so that you would be calculating but so that you will not end up a slave labour in your company. I understand that some bosses like to exploit their staff.

Your boss should learn the Chinese culture …. if you are referring to working in China. If your boss, working in China, cannot adapt to the ways in the China and her people, then I think the company has sent the wrong guy to manage the company. He/She should be shipped back immediately home to handle domestic chores.

In the West, the quickest way for the employee to move up would be to sleep with the boss. Better yet, sleep with the boss and then sue the boss and the company for millions for sexual harassment. Quick settlement, early retirement.

American bosses are demanding and unreasonable. The excuse they often give for criticising others – they are from the “advanced” country and you are just a “developing” nation. I have heard those craps from American bosses, many times. One more thing, when it comes to axeing staff or retrenchment because the company is making losses (due to their poor financial management), the American bosses are merciless. They are quite well-known for that

American PRESIDENT exploiting an underaged INTERN sexually. He is writing books and still making his rounds to make speeches. That’s the kind ROTTEN FREE society you have. To protect NOT those vulnerable but those in POWER. Perhaps, it doesn’t matter a s-h-i-t to you yankies that Lebanon (also Iraqi) children and women are bombed and killed so long as the doer is your prodigal son, Israel. And you go round giving the BS about Human Rights, whose rights exactly?

my first job is aslo a foreigner boss. he is from uk, 25-year-old, not so tall. in my mind i feel all foreingers are tall and robust. when i meet him first time, what i saw hit me a heavy blow. my boss nearly has the same height with me, and he is thin. so i am not afraid of him. at first i am so happy. i think i get a perfect chance to make money and practice my oral english. but the guy is so smart that he gave me little money, and he even learn chinese from me!

Generally it’s not easy to get along well with a expatriate despite you can speak english very well.

And on it goes. Well, I’ve got advice for any Chinese wanting to work for a ‘foreigner boss’:

1. Do your fucking job. That’s what the company is paying you 2.5 times what any Chinese company pays you to do. So do.

2. Work, in this context, is a verb. It is something you do. It is not where you go to sleep from 2pm until 5pm.

3. When your employer asks you to do something and you don’t understand – say “I don’t understand”. It’s far better than saying “I know, I know, I know” when in fact you don’t know your arse from your elbow. When you eventually fuck up, giving the blank ‘I-don’t know-nothing-and-I-won’t-lose-my-face’ stare is not going to help much. Unless you want to see yet another laowai reduced to incoherency, in which case it helps plenty.

4. When you have a deadline, it means that you are expected to complete a task by that time, not begin it then.

5. Sorry to be picky, but get your mother to iron your shirt, and learn to brush your teeth. And roll down your shirt and trousers, for goodness sake!

6. You being able to chat on MSN and QQ is not the primary reason your company opened a branch in China. Quite possibly, they actually expect you to do something more productive. Like your actual job, for instance.

7. Sleeping with your boss may well be a job requirement in China, but in most cases your ‘foreigner boss’ has better things to do with his time. There are more than enough whores, slags, and ho’s for him on the street, without him having to deal with them in his business.

8. Contrary to 5,000 years of experience, 60% complete is not 100% complete.

9. Your boss doesn’t give a flying fuck whether ‘this is China’ or not. He wants you to do what you have been paid to do, not ‘negotiate’ the details with him.

10. When your contract says you are supposed to work from 9am to 5pm, then it means that 9am is the time that you should be at your place of employment. It is not the time that you get out of bed.

Honestly peeps, it ain’t rocket science. Why make it so hard?

It’s no wonder we drink.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, ChinaDaily | Tagged: , | 8 Comments »

Who’s In This Relationship, Anyway?

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, May 4, 2007

There’s a great deal of bleating and whining from Westerners here, who have had their lives, apartments, and bank accounts taken over by the families of the local bird they’re shagging. The expat forums abound with stern advice from local girls, like this:

you marry the girl and thus automatically marry her whole family. as you have mentioned, your girl “is ready to relocate abroad with whole her family”, since that is the a part of the reasons why your girl is going to marry you, I don’t see any possible solution to bypass her family.

Frankly, I’ve no sympathy. So it’s a ‘cultural’ thing? Big woops – so are all the things that Chinese tell us are unimportant “because this is China”. Grow some balls, peeps. Relationships ain’t about touching your toes while the In-Laws shaft you with a length of rough-sawn timber. True, one must adapt and make concessions in any relationship, but the person who decides precisely which adaptions and which concessions, is you. Nowhere is it written that you have to support the entire extended family, nowhere is it written that the whole herd gets to move in with you, and nowhere is it written that you are not permitted to see your child for the first 90 days of it’s life because the grandparents have priority. The decision is yours, with some input from your missus. And if she can’t accept your ‘culture’, then what the Hell where you thinking when you made your choice?

Early on in the relationship with Mrs MyLaowai, Grandma decided she wanted to come live with us ‘for a few days’. Sure, says I, she’s more than welcome, just so long as she understands that it’s a visit and not a retirement plan. First night, 9:30pm, and I’m finishing up with a client across town. I stop off at my favourite tavern for a sip of ale on the way home, per usual, and then my phone rings. It’s the missus.
“Grandma is asking when you’ll be home”, she says.
“I’ll be home when I’ve finished my beer. Belay that, I’ve just decided to have another. I may come home after that”, I reply.
“Please don’t be too late” Mrs MyLaowai says, and ends the call.

A few minutes later, 20 minutes at the most, the phone rings again:
“Grandma wants you to come home now, she says you are out too late”.
“Right”, says I, “Tell Grandma I’m on my way, and she’s to stay up until we’ve had a little chat”.

I get home shortly afterwards, and the little chat proceeds thusly:
“You see this lightbulb? You know why it’s brightly lit? No? Because I pay for the electricity, that’s why. You see this wall? Floor? Ceiling? Well, I pay for those, too. You see the refrigerator? And the food in it? Well shucks, I paid for that also. And the bed you’re sleeping on? Guess who paid for it? What’s that, speak up? Yes, correct, it was me who paid for the bed. I guess that makes it my house. That being so, I further calculate that I get to make the rules around here. You see, when I come to your home, I follow your rules, and when you come to my home, you follow my rules. That’s the way it works. And if I’m not here, then you follow my girlfriends’ rules, because she is the boss, too. I don’t care whose family you belong to, that’s my culture and that’s the way it is. Deal with it. If you can’t deal with it, you are free to leave at any time. Have a nice night.”

The next morning she was gone, of course. But, I’ll tell you something, she had a case of beer delivered for me by way of an apology, and she’s respected me ever since. And the Word must have gotten out, because the rest of the family learned fairly quickly that this Laowai was not to be fucked with in the usual manner. And they further learned not to fuck with Mrs MyLaowai, either.

So, to all the pansies who think that being shafted by the In-Laws in the name of ‘culture’ is something that goes with the entry stamp in your passport, think again. If you wouldn’t tolerate it back home, you don’t have to tolerate it here, either.

There’s a lesson in that for all of us.

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Doc Laowai’s Celestial Elixir

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 20, 2007

Is she a Warm & Loving Girlfriend, or a Cold-Hearted Monster? Sweet & Innocent Love Bunny, or Money-Grubbing Whore With A ‘Sick Father’? Are YOU having trouble detecting the difference? If the answer is ‘yes’, then YOU need Doc Laowai’s Celestial Elixir!

That’s right friends! Doc Laowai’s Celestial Elixir can help you to grow some cojones, strengthen your backbone, take the lily out of your liver, and even remove the rose-tinting from your cornea’s!

Solve 99.9% of YOUR problems with Doc Laowai’s Celestial Elixir – you know it makes sense!

Warning: May lead to unpleasantly high levels of reality, ‘postal worker’ syndrome, and spleen damage. Not intended for those with bleeding hearts.

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Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

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