Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for the ‘Newsflash’ Category

Kung Fu Monkeys At It Again

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 27, 2011

This is on the front page of the Communist Party mouthpiece ChinaDaily, today:

So that’s how one defends against terrorist threats and enemy air raids, is it? By hitting a piece of mud-brick? What, so Al Qaeda are in the business of lobbing a few lumps of adobe at their enemies now, are they? The much-feared Japan Air-Self Defence Forces are likely to drop a few pounds of gravel on you, is that it? You people are pathetic. That’s just weak.

The worrying part is that Chinese people actually believe that this Kung Fu malarky is some kind of magical, powerful, all-defeating force that truly does enable one to fly through the air and intercept bullets with bits of bamboo stick and all that other childish nonsense one sees in those puerile commie B-films. And yet they somehow still need odds of twenty to one in their favour before they will even consider a fight to be evenly matched.

Back in the days when this cuntry was being run properly (i.e. by the British, Germans, French, Japanese and Americans), the local yokels insisted on staging a fight to prove the superiority of their magical dancing. No, not the Boxer Rebellion, although those idiots also believed that Kung Fu could best Enfield rifles by the power of the mind (Darwinian selection at work, if you ask me). No, it was in Shanghai, and the local hero was some grand master who spent his days on the tops of mountains or whatever it is they do to avoid having to go to work like the rest of us. The hated Laowai was some bloke who had paid attention to the Marquess of Queensbury and knew that dancing around and jumping about like a stick insect on a hot plate didn’t stand up next to a good, solid, thump in the nose. In all fairness, it should be pointed out that he wasn’t a nine-pound weakling who’d been raised on a diet of grass, rice and melamine, and that he could, therefore, allow himself to be hit a few times without collapsing into a soggy heap on the ground. Not that there was ever any likelihood of that happening, of course. The result was fairly predictable, as you would expect: he was stronger, faster, and knew how to actually fight, and it was a three-hit contest – He hit the kung fu wallah, the kung fu wallah hit the ground, and the ambulance hit the hospital. The mighty Laowai went back to work and put in a proper day’s effort afterwards, and when it became necessary a few years later to go to war and fight terrorists and aeroplanes, he used firearms, or ‘thunder sticks’ as the Chinese called them.

Well, Chinese ‘soldiers’, if you insist on your magical flying kung fu as a weapon of modern warfare, then all I can say is you’d best invest in swimming lessons. You’ll need them when you try to visit Taiwan.

Posted in ChinaDaily, History, Newsflash | 29 Comments »

‘Bullet’ Train Derails. Surprised?

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, July 23, 2011

Breaking News: One of China’s much-loved and very development high-speed ‘Harmonious‘ trains has just de-railed, whilst on a bridge. Either the train was copied badly (likely), or the rails were laid badly (probable), or the bridge was built badly (guaranteed). I am a bit worried about this event for two reasons:

1. There might be foreigners on board. That would be Bad.

2. I’ve been asked to do a regular piece for a well-known publication. I was going to call it “When Escalators Attack“, but now I may have to change the name to “When Trains Attack“, which is more topical, if not quite as snappy. I guess I could always call it “Taiwan is still safe“.

I guess someone was telling a porky when he said that Chinese trains are better than Japanese, French or German trains.

Update: Not only was the whole debacle typical of the way things are built here, it now appears that the train was rear-ended by another bullet train as well. So obviously the following driver was as good as any other driver in this poxy Land. Chinese trains: an ignominious failure, and a complete and utter fiasco from start to finish. Serves you right, Chinese people, for stealing technology you aren’t capable of comprehending.



Posted in Newsflash | 35 Comments »

Wanted Dead or Alive, but Mostly Dead

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, May 2, 2011

I am reliably informed that Usama Bin Laden has been killed, though the details are not as yet clear.

This is a very good thing, as it will save the FBI from the embarrassment of a trial at which the prosecution is not able to present any evidence that will stand up to cross-examination. Not that I doubt in the slightest that the accused was guilty of everything he was accused of. Good riddance to bad rubbish I reckon. I only hope they bury him wrapped inside a pig’s carcass, in a nice, deep grave. Face down.

Now that that’s all settled, can we perhaps go after the really bad guys, like Hu ‘the butcher‘ Jintao for instance? Or are we going to allow ‘business as usual’ to determine who is considered Bad?

Posted in Newsflash | 86 Comments »

Wang Bei Snuffs It.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, November 29, 2010

Guest Post

Wang Bei, 24, a former contestant on Super Girl, China’s version of American Idol, died on November 15th during “facial bone-grinding surgery” in Wuhan. Official reports cite an “anaesthetic accident” as the cause: “Wang’s jaw suddenly started bleeding during the procedure, blocking her windpipe and causing her to suffocate.”

Yeah right, do you believe this? I didn’t, so with my usual apathy and luck-lustre approach, I began ringing my contacts at her hospital. Chinese nurses are very obliging, especially when they know you have photos of them with you in the KTV where they worked during their training.

Lead Surgeon, Wang Hung Lo, couldn’t resist his natural impulses after he heard that the reason for her surgery was to increase her mandibular extension so she could please foreign judges as much as their Chinese counterparts. He had to sample it for himself whilst she was unconscious, an act routinely performed in KTV’s across the country nightly. Unfortunately, he choked her, the anaesthetic having shrunken her thorax. He can be found at his usual job of janitor at the local bathhouse. He regularly moonlights as a plastic surgeon.

“It’s just like taking out the trash”, he said when I interviewed him. “You peel the skin back like removing the bin liner from a soggy waste basket, then scrape on the bone just the same as scraping week old phlegm off the sides of the bin. Easy work. I get my mum to stitch them up afterwards, she is famous for her embroidery.”

However, the real tragedy is that I had advised her to not worry about the mouth, a tight fit is a good fit, but rather she should get a boob job, as, like the vast majority of Asian women, she was as flat as an airport runway. You can ignore my advice, but be aware there will be consequences.

– DaBizzare.

Wang Bei
Wang Bei. China’s Superbint.

Posted in Guest Post, Newsflash, Sex Sex Sex | 8 Comments »


Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, November 17, 2010

There has been a bit of a fire in Shanghai. Actually, it was rather a large blaze by all accounts, seeing as how a large apartment building caught fire, killing dozens and injuring many more.

Now, you all know me and you know I’m not one for shedding crocodile tears. If there’s one thing I hate about Chinese society above all else, it’s the sheer hypocrisy that permeates every aspect of life here. So, you won’t find me bleating on about some dead people I don’t know, didn’t want to know, and am not going to miss. Sorry if you think that’s a bit harsh, but quite frankly I couldn’t care less. Whether they die today in an apartment fire, or die in a few years time in a nuclear fire when they piss off a few more of their country’s neighbours; it’s all the same to me.

But there are a few points worth mentioning, because they tell you plenty about the Chinese way:

1. A fire in Shanghai gets a lot of press coverage. A fire in the countryside, or in a provincial city, wouldn’t rate a text message, and if you did make a story out of it, you and your family would be taken away, declared insane, and tortured to death. Shanghai matters because it’s highly visible, and that’s that. Face matters. That’s the Chinese way.

2. Within hours the head of the Public Security Bureau (China’s version of the KGB) was on a plane to Shanghai, to say how much he sympathised with the families blah blah blah. This is a guy who is responsible for thousands of murders every year. But hey, none of those are in the public eye, right? That’s the Chinese way.

3. Before the fire was even properly out, before the Origin & Cause investigation had even had a chance to begin, eight people were arrested. All of them from the countryside, so they won’t be missed (and if they are missed then their families can be forced to keep quiet, far from the eye of the foreign press). Why? Because someone must be blamed. It doesn’t matter what happens, it doesn’t matter who is responsible, and it especially doesn’t matter what the truth is, someone will inevitably be blamed, and that person will be the person who has the least power to defend himself. That’s the Chinese way.

4. New and ‘more stringent fire regulations’ have been ordered. Of course they have been. Nothing will change, and buildings all over China will continue to do good impressions of Roman Candles every few days, but the main thing is that the mandarins in Peking have made a proclamation, and the good folks of China believe them. The Party Bosses could order the moon to fly backwards, and The People would actually believe it happens. That’s the Chinese way.

5. For the next week, sales (and prices) of smoke hoods and fire extinguishers will increase, and so will sales (and prices) of various magical remedies for being burned to death. Little bags of magical twigs and various bits of lawn clippings will outsell smoke hoods and assorted magical incantations will take place in many homes. No one will actually consider how to get out of a building that is on fire; no one will walk the stairs down to the ground as a test-run; no one will invest in equipment to rescue people above the fourth floor; no one will unlock any of the fire exits; and no one will stop shooting fireworks at other apartments. This is the Chinese way.

I hate the Chinese way. I really do.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Newsflash | 13 Comments »

Your Attention, Please

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 30, 2010

I would like to note, for the record, that it has been six weeks since I last received a death threat. That’s a goodly long while around this place, and it simply isn’t good enough.

Mrs MyLaowai, the delightful inspiration who forever terrifies the living bejeezus out of me, says this is a sign I have become more “culturally sensitive and aware”, and that this is the natural result of my recent “conciliatory efforts”. From this you can see that, despite her reputation, Mrs MyLaowai is a kind and sensitive creature who tries to put everything in the best possible light.

Because what she really means is: I’m slipping.

Come on folks, throw me a bone here! I spend hours crafting award-winning humour for you; I use only the finest genuine imitation meaty goodness in my jokes and witty bons mots; and I never miss a chance for a cheap shot. I do this for the same reason that the Red Cross used to send care parcels to POW’s back during the Last Big One – I do it to keep up the spirits of the thousands of Laowai who are in China. Every time one of these unfortunates cracks a smile, I have done my duty and in some small way helped a fellow human being survive the day. My reward, the finest reward any man can receive without actually meeting the Queen in fact, has been the dozens of death threats I have received from our friends in the Munchkin Community. Such gems as “I am will Be Head you with your ancestors” and “fuk you i wil kil you leave our Glorios CHINA foreighn DEVIL” have me rolling in the aisles, splitting my sides with laughter. That’s my truest reward, and I beseech you, the Little People – keep ’em coming, please!

Or do I actually have to start trying to offend people now? I’ll do it if I have to, just see if I don’t…

Posted in Newsflash | 38 Comments »

Haiti. A quick FYI.

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, April 1, 2010

The international community has pledged a total of $9.9 billion dollars in immediate and long-term aid to earthquake-hit Haiti at a UN donor conference, with $5.3 billion dollars worth of support over the next two years, far exceeding the $4 billion dollars requested by the Haitian government to rebuild infrastructure.

“This is the down-payment Haiti needs for wholesale national renewal,” UN chief Ban Ki-moon said in New York.

Here’s how the cookie crumbled:

EU $1.7bn
US $1.15bn
Spain $466m
Canada $390m
World Bank $250m
France $243m
Brazil $172m

China, the nation with the world’s largest cash reserves, has ‘promised’ a mere $1.3 million, less than one cent per person, and that was from the Red Cross of China. Nothing at all from the Party or People. Even Slovakia did better than that. China, be fucking ashamed of yourself.

Cheap, uncaring bastards.

Posted in Newsflash | 84 Comments »

Al Qaeda Emergency Talks

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, January 18, 2010

Press Release: Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Alick Maballsac told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.”

Mr. Maballsac accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. “Last Christmas Asheet Mapanz alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,” complains Maballsac. “And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?”

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Usuka Macok explained, “We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.” He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can’t compete with the private sector?” asked Mr. Macok.

Talks broke down this morning after management’s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I’ll be buggered if I’m agreeing to anything like that… it’s too much to swallow”.

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons for the Chinese, Thai and Australian unions stated that their operations would not be affected, as there were no virgins in their areas anyway.

Posted in Newsflash | 2 Comments »

A Literary Lunch with Gavin Menzies

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, October 9, 2009


Fruity Whackjob Gavin Menzies:
The Chinese Contribution to Global History

Friday, October 16, 12.30pm


RMB 188, includes rotting tofu for lunch


Enjoy a delicious three-course lunch of rotting tofu as
bestselling author Gavin Menzies, author of 1421 and 1434,
paints a portrait of the Chinese contribution to
global history in the 15th century,
“a historical detective story,”
according to the People’s Daily News
Menzies will share his research on how admiral
Zheng He set sail for the new world before
the European age of discovery
(1421: The Year China Discovered the World)
and his latest book,
1434: The Year a Magnificent Chinese Fleet Sailed to
Italy and Ignited the Renaissance

that traces the roots of the European Renaissance to China.

Book signing will follow.

About the Author:

Author Gavin Menzies was born in England and lived in China for two years before the Second World War. He loved China so much that he joined the Royal Navy in 1953 and spied on his mates in submarines from 1959 to 1970. Since being kicked out of the Royal Navy for incompetence, he has returned to China to be paid many times, and in the course of his research, he has become despised in 120 countries and banned from more than 900 museums, libraries, and major seaports of the late Middle Ages.

Upcoming Literary Events

Alternative Literary Cultures in Australia

Saturday, October 31, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water


Martin Jacques – When China Rules the World:
The Rise of the Middle Kingdom
and the End of the Western World

Wednesday, November 4, 6pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water


Colm Toibin – Brooklyn

Sunday, November 8, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of weak piss

Posted in Brown Nose Award, China, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 24 Comments »

Sold to the Chinese!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 23, 2009

090723 onion

The Onion: America’s Finest News Source And Salvage Fishery

Posted in Media, Newsflash | 9 Comments »