This is on the front page of the Communist Party mouthpiece ChinaDaily, today:
So that’s how one defends against terrorist threats and enemy air raids, is it? By hitting a piece of mud-brick? What, so Al Qaeda are in the business of lobbing a few lumps of adobe at their enemies now, are they? The much-feared Japan Air-Self Defence Forces are likely to drop a few pounds of gravel on you, is that it? You people are pathetic. That’s just weak.
The worrying part is that Chinese people actually believe that this Kung Fu malarky is some kind of magical, powerful, all-defeating force that truly does enable one to fly through the air and intercept bullets with bits of bamboo stick and all that other childish nonsense one sees in those puerile commie B-films. And yet they somehow still need odds of twenty to one in their favour before they will even consider a fight to be evenly matched.
Back in the days when this cuntry was being run properly (i.e. by the British, Germans, French, Japanese and Americans), the local yokels insisted on staging a fight to prove the superiority of their magical dancing. No, not the Boxer Rebellion, although those idiots also believed that Kung Fu could best Enfield rifles by the power of the mind (Darwinian selection at work, if you ask me). No, it was in Shanghai, and the local hero was some grand master who spent his days on the tops of mountains or whatever it is they do to avoid having to go to work like the rest of us. The hated Laowai was some bloke who had paid attention to the Marquess of Queensbury and knew that dancing around and jumping about like a stick insect on a hot plate didn’t stand up next to a good, solid, thump in the nose. In all fairness, it should be pointed out that he wasn’t a nine-pound weakling who’d been raised on a diet of grass, rice and melamine, and that he could, therefore, allow himself to be hit a few times without collapsing into a soggy heap on the ground. Not that there was ever any likelihood of that happening, of course. The result was fairly predictable, as you would expect: he was stronger, faster, and knew how to actually fight, and it was a three-hit contest – He hit the kung fu wallah, the kung fu wallah hit the ground, and the ambulance hit the hospital. The mighty Laowai went back to work and put in a proper day’s effort afterwards, and when it became necessary a few years later to go to war and fight terrorists and aeroplanes, he used firearms, or ‘thunder sticks’ as the Chinese called them.
Well, Chinese ‘soldiers’, if you insist on your magical flying kung fu as a weapon of modern warfare, then all I can say is you’d best invest in swimming lessons. You’ll need them when you try to visit Taiwan.