Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Zheng He in the Headlines Again

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Zheng He Banner Under North Pole

A Chinese Xia class submarine, on an expedition below the Arctic, has found a banner, attributed to the historical Chinese fleet admiral Zheng He. A spokesman of the Chinese foreign ministry says this is proof that China has had rightful claims on the Arctic for almost 600 years. He also accused the Russian submarine expedition crew of August 2 of having stolen two further Zheng He banners from the same place where they had put the Russian flag. This had been a futile attempt to manipulate world opinion against China’s rightful claims on the Arctic, but the Russian explorers had fortunately overlooked a third Zheng He banner there, thus making their vain expedition a complete and disastrous failure.

A renowned Chinese academic explained that the banner has now been examined by his academy and found to be genuinely Zheng He-made. The banner was made of rust-proof titanium steel and has therefore remained well-preserved under the Arctic for ever since 1425. Along with it, today’s Chinese expedition found some waterproof documents written by Zheng He, saying that the Arctic was really China’s, and that the Russians and Japanese should just shut up. In one of these documents, Zheng He also called on all brave and patriotic Chinese students of later times in history to stand up to faked claims on Chinese Arctic territory, promulgated by foreign imperialist powers.

Taking questions from an extraordinarily convened press conference on this topic this afternoon, the foreign ministry spokesman pointed out that China has always known how to make rust-proof titanium banners, and that this was just another proof of the authenticity of the Zheng He flag. He also made it clear that China has known how to build submarines through all ages, and has always sailed the underworld of the Arctic.

Franz Bleeker

Who was the great ‘Chinese’ ‘Man’, Zheng He? A good question…

Zheng He was born in 1371 of the Hui ethnic group [descended from Arab and Persian Muslim traders] and the Muslim faith in modern-day Yunnan Province [now part of China], one of the last possessions of the Mongols. According to his biography in the History of Ming, he was originally named Ma Sanbao. His family name “Ma” came from Shams al-Din’s fifth son Masuh (Mansour). Both his father Mir Tekin and grandfather Charameddin had traveled on the hajj to Mecca. Their travels contributed much to the young boy’s education. In 1381, following the fall of the Yuan [Mongol] Dynasty, a Ming [Chinese] army was dispatched to Yunnan to put down the Mongol rebel Basalawarmi. Zheng He, then only a young boy of eleven years, was taken captive by that army and castrated, thus becoming a eunuch. He soon became a servant at the Imperial court. The name “Zheng He” was given by the Yongle emperor for meritorious service in the Yongle rebellion against the Jianwen Emperor. He studied at Nanjing Taixue (The Imperial Central College).

Zheng He led seven expeditions to what the Chinese called “the Western Ocean” [which we know as the Indian Ocean]. The latest ‘view’, advanced by Gavin Menzies, suggested Zheng’s fleet had travelled every part of the world. However, virtually every authority in the field denounces Menzies’ claims as baseless. According to Menzies [whose ‘researches’ are funded by the Chinese Communist Party], Zheng’s fleet explored virtually the entire globe, discovering West Africa, North and South America, Greenland, Iceland, Antarctica and Australia (except visiting Europe). Menzies also claimed that Zheng’s wooden fleet passed the Arctic Ocean. However none of the citations in his book 1421 are from Chinese sources and even scholars in China do not accept Menzies’s assertions.

At the beginning of the 1980s, his tomb was renovated in a more Islamic style, although he himself was buried at sea. The government of the People’s Republic of China uses him as a model to integrate the Muslim minority into the Chinese nation.

– Source: Wikipedia

Posted in China, Media | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

Dishonest Landlords

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Further to a recent post concerning dishonest landlords in Shanghai, this is the follow-up…

As is usual, we paid a sizeable deposit when we took the place. We liked the location, and the apartment itself wasn’t too bad. The price was a bit high, but we accepted it.

Then, a few weeks ago, there was a bit of a slump in the local stockmarket. The same week, our landlady called and said that the rent was going up by 40%. Well, we have just moved out, and suffered the usual inspection before getting back our deposit.

The landlady (who brought with her a group of ‘friends’), discovered some damage – a chip was missing from an interior door. Photo below:

071218door.jpg

That wee nick, dear reader, cost me 6,000 RMB, in addition to the usual additional charges such as extra money to pay bills, etc. This, in a city where the average monthly income is just 1,400 RMB. The mind boggles.

But wait, was it really 6,000 kuai for a nick in a door? Of course not. The reason that was given, after all the ‘discussions’ had taken place? By not respecting the door, we had caused harm to the feelings of all the Chinese people.

We had caused harm to the feelings of all the Chinese people.

I shit ye not.

For what it’s worth, this particular landlady only rents to foreigners. So, if you’re looking for a place in Shanghai, and you’re concerned that this evil piece of shit may become your landlord, send me an email and I’ll give you all her details.

MyLaowai@gmail.com

Posted in China | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

An Interesting Survey

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, December 14, 2007

I note with interest the results of a comprehensive survey, just published, on the attitude(s) of Chinese citizens to the Law. In particular this one…

85% of Chinese citizens don’t understand why the Law should apply to them.

Note: Those surveyed did not include any member of the Chinese Communist Party, or the State Security Services, to whom the Law does not in any case apply.

It is also interesting to note that conducting surveys is itself against the Law here in China. The surveyors did not, however, feel that this applied to them.

Posted in China | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Women of the Politburo

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2007

The women we look up to, if we know what’s good for us…

071210gaoxiaojie.jpg

Name : Gao Xiao Jie – ‘Vivy’
Age : 25
Official Position : Assistant Vice Deputy Secretary, Harmonious Military Dancing Troupe Commission In An All Round Way; Massage Expert
Hobbies : “I very like sleeping, playing PC games, and shopping.”
Best Feature : “I am very diligent and Mr Hu say I have correct political opinion. One day I want to have trading company and very fashion. I like rice and so on. Mr Wen say I give good head.”

Posted in Pornography | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Welcome To Red China

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2007

Welcome To Red China

 

I first came to live in China back in 1992,
I thought I’d really like it, that I’d learn a thing or two.
I thought of Monks in orange robes sat up on a hill,
And how there weren’t no whores or hookers, and nobody popped pills.

 

I’d seen those lovely movies put out by the CCP
About how everyone was happy, and everyone was free,
And how the People were always diligent, and everyone was kind…
Then I got to immigration, and saw this great big sign:

 

Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.
Our Women are cold-blooded monsters,
Our Men retarded runts.
We perch like bloody pigeons
And other stupid stunts.
Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.

 

I went out to a restaurant, to find out what they eat:
Insect parts and rodent’s guts and fuckin’ chickens feet!
And they wash it down with ‘baijiu’ – gasoline more like,
It’s the kind of muck that’ll keep you up chundering all night.

 

As for the bloody music, it was sickly Canton-pop,
And they were always yipping yapping, they never bloody stopped!
The constant din and racket was doing in me head,
When this ugly hooker waitress turned to me and said:

 

Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.
Our Women are cold-blooded monsters,
Our Men retarded runts.
We ride motorbikes on the footpath
And other stupid stunts.
Welcome to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.

 

Anyone with any balls is sentenced to hard time.
The Chairman’s a bloody butcher, the CCP’s a herd of swine,
The Law is just a standing joke. Justice? I think I’ll pass,
And the Premier has his mouth connected to his arse.

 

I’ve been here more than fifteen years, it’s too late to go home –
I think the cancer’s got me in the stomach, lungs and bones,
And me nerves are all a shattered mess, and I’ve lost the will to live.
But with me final dyin’ breath this warning I will give:

 

Don’t come to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.
The Women are cold-blooded monsters,
The Men retarded runts.
They always blame us foreigners
For all their stupid stunts.
So don’t come to Red China:
Land of sawn-off savage cunts.

Posted in China | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

Trade Fairs

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 9, 2007

China, as many of you may be aware, is home to an increasingly large number of Trade Fairs. A few of them are even worth going to. Some of them, of course, are merely put on to allow the local Party boys to claim expenses, and a large number are attended only by a handful of local companies who have been instructed to attend by the local Party bosses, in order to make them look good, but there are nevertheless a few that actually are important. Some, such as the Import and Export Fair in Canton, are quite useful.

China likes to think of Shanghai as being it’s premier business city. Never mind my personal views on that for now, let’s just go along with it. Shanghai, in turn, likes to think that the New International Expo Centre is it’s numero uno exhibition venue. And I will admit, it isn’t a bad place – apart from the obvious issues with poor access, hopeless organisation, and all the usual gripes, the place itself is large enough and modern enough to cope with most demands, and in fact there are events there almost every week.

Now, every time I go to a trade fair in China, I see the thieves at work – not the commercial thieves who are there just to steal your product ideas, but the petty thieves who steal whatever isn’t bolted down and then sell it in the street outside. Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre is a favourite haunt for these guys, and their number one target is not, as you might expect, the buyers. Oh no, it is in fact the exhibitors themselves. In particular, the notebook computers that the sales guys use.

If you are exhibiting at a trade fair in China, and your notebook computer goes missing, simply walk outside, and buy it back. It’s that easy. If you are exhibiting at the Shanghai New International Expo Centre, then you will need to walk a couple of blocks to the Long Yang Lu subway station.

Every year it is the same. Waves of petty crime and theft. Until this year. This year, the police had finally had enough of this petty crime, and took steps to bring it under control…

They took over the theft themselves.

Now, when you exhibitors lose your notebook computers, and you go outside to buy it back (Long Yang Lu subway station when at Shanghai’s New International Expo Centre), look for the nearest uniformed police officer. He is providing protection for the guy who stole your property, and he will make sure that the thief gets a fair price (how else will he be able to afford the protection fee?).

Welcome to China, enjoy your stay.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Corruption, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

He Says, They Say… (Reprise)

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, November 25, 2007

Darfur rebels spurn Chinese force

Rebels in Darfur have demanded that peacekeepers from China pull out of the Sudanese region just hours after the arrival of 135 Chinese engineers.

The army engineers arrived on Saturday to prepare for a joint UN and African Union peacekeeping force of 26,000.

The key Justice and Equality Movement (Jem) rebel group accuses China of being complicit in the Darfur conflict.

Last month the group attacked a Chinese-controlled oilfield, kidnapping several workers.

The Jem says it wants China to withdraw its support for the Sudanese government.

They say that oil sold to the Chinese is being used to fund government operations in Darfur.

Rebels would not allow the Chinese into areas controlled by their forces, Jem leader Khalil Ibrahim told the news agency Reuters following the arrival of the engineers.

“We oppose them coming because China is not interested in human rights. It is just interested in Sudan’s resources,” he said.

“We are calling on them to quit Sudan, especially the petroleum areas.”

Mr Ibrahim did not say whether he would target the Chinese engineers.

“I am not saying I will attack them. I will not say I will not attack them,” he said.

“What I am saying is that they are taking our oil for blood.”

The Chinese engineers are tasked with building roads and bridges and dig wells ahead of the deployment of the joint peacekeeping force planned for January.

The rebels have said they would not object to peacekeepers from any country other than China.

But on Friday, Sudanese President Omar Al-Bashir said his country would only accept non-African troops from Pakistan or China.

A month ago the Jem attacked Sudan’s Defra oilfield in the Kordofan region, run by a Chinese-controlled consortium, the Greater Nile Petroleum Operating Company.

Jem said at the time that the Chinese company had one week to leave Sudan.

An estimated 200,000 people have died during four-and-a-half years of fighting in Darfur, with a further two million people displaced.

BBC

But the Party mouthpiece, Xinhua, says this:

Chinese vanguards arrive in Darfur for peacekeeping

Vanguards of the Chinese engineering units arrived in the western Sudanese region of Darfur on Saturday to take part in the hybrid peacekeeping force of the United Nations and the African Union (AU).

The 135 Chinese peacekeepers, upon arrival in South Darfur State capital Niyala, were warmly welcomed by UN, AU and Sudanese officials at the Niyala International Airport.

The Chinese vanguards were also joined in the airport by five Chinese officers who had arrived in Niyala in August in order to receive the equipment of the Chinese peacekeepers, some of which have been transported there since September.

The 140 Chinese peacekeepers will dwell temporarily in a transitional camp before the camp of the Chinese unites is set up, an anonymous Chinese officer told Xinhua in a telephone contact.

The main tasks for the Chinese engineering units include building camps, roads and airports, and digging wells in addition to some other projects in preparations for the deployment of peacekeepers from other countries.

This is the first batch of the UN peacekeepers arriving in the region to implement UN Security Council Resolution 1769 adopted on July 31, which authorizes the deployment of a 26,000-strong hybrid peacekeeping force in Darfur.

The Chinese government has exerted a lot of efforts to help resolve the Darfur problem since armed conflicts erupted in the region in 2003, including appointing a special envoy for the Darfur issues and providing a large amount of relief materials to the region.

And there is also this headline:

Engineering peace, prosperity in Darfur

And another one here, in case anyone missed the point:

Chinese peacekeepers honored in Sudan

Jeez, 1984 anyone? Brazil, perhaps?

Posted in ChinaDaily, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Women of the Politburo

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 24, 2007

The women we look up to, if we know what’s good for us…

071124zhangxiaojie.jpg

Name : Zhang Xiao Jie – ‘Lily’
Age : 23
Official Position : Deputy Vice Assistant Secretary, Harmonious Nation Discipline Committee For Central Planning In An All Round Way; Tea Lady
Hobbies : “I very like sleeping, playing PC games, and shopping.”
Best Feature : “Mr Hu say my best lucky is my harmonious nature. I am very diligent and cook delicious Chinese tradition food. Mr Wen say I give good head.”

Posted in Pornography | Tagged: , | 9 Comments »

Walk Like A Zhongguo Ren

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, November 22, 2007

Walk Like A Zhongguo Ren
(To the tune of ‘Walk Like An Egyption’ by The Bangles)

 

All the Chinese folk in the street
They’re always weaving to and fro
If they move too quick (oh Aiyo!)
They’re falling down like a domino

 

All the wai di ren laying tiles
They work so slow it’s stop not go
Spit on the floor (oh Aiyo!)
They clench their teeth on their cigarettes

 

Foreign whites with the hooker types say
Aiyo! Aiyo! oh Aiyo!
Walk like a zhongguo ren

 

The whore waitresses take your cash
They turn around and they ask for more
They’ve got some nerve (oh Aiyo!)
They spill your drink, kick you out the door

 

All the school kids so like to sleep
They like to eat, play PC game
When the buzzer rings (oh Aiyo!)
They’re walking like a zhongguo ren

 

All the thieves in the market place:
Aiyo! Aiyo! oh Aiyo!
Walk like a zhongguo ren

 

Slide your feet up the street, bend your back
With your arm, drag a striped sack
Life is hard, you know (oh Aiyo!)
So go into a cheaper whackshack

 

If you wanna find all the cops
They’re hanging out in the noodle shop
They preen and prance (oh Aiyo!)
Tiny minds and smaller cocks

 

All the Japanese lose their yen
The Party boys hate some guy called Chen
But those Chineys know (oh Aiyo!)
They’re walking like a zhongguo ren

 

All the cops in the noodle shop say:
Aiyo! Aiyo! oh Aiyo!
Walk like a zhongguo ren
Walk like a zhongguo ren

Posted in China | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

A Forced Relocation

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, November 19, 2007

About this time last year, I was sitting at my desk at home, when there came a tentative knock on the door. Naturally, I did the smart thing and ignored it. It wasn’t long before I heard the noises of someone trying to fit various keys into the lock, and it became obvious that my unwelcome visitor was either the landlord hoping to see what I had under the bed, or yet another botched attempt by the PSB to place yet another bug somewhere in the living room. I crept over to the door and flung it open, surprising the small group on the other side.

The conversation proceeded thusly:
MyLaowai: “Who the fuck are you?”
Unwanted Visitor: “I am the estate agent who is selling the house, and these people are potential buyers who have come for a look.”
ML: “You have the wrong house, this one isn’t for sale.”
UV: “This is the right house, your landlord gave me the keys.”
ML: “You have ten seconds before I break your nose. 9… 8… 7…”

And they departed rapidly. But the Unwanted Visitor had been telling me the truth, and my landlord bluntly confirmed that she had handed over the keys to several estate agents, with instructions to come only at times when I wasn’t expected to be home. A lucky thing that I had changed the locks shortly after moving in a year previously. Anyway, it was made clear that she was selling the house and that Mrs MyLaowai and I had better get another place sorted out PDQ (although we wouldn’t have known anything about it until after it was sold, had I not been working at home that day).

Well, we found another place and it seemed not-too-bad, if slightly on the pricey side. We explained our situation to the new landlord, and he assured us that he had no plans to sell the place, and that he was very happy to sign a nice, long, lease with us, so we paid out two months rent in advance and moved in. And a week later he left us a note saying that we had ten days to be out, because the place had just been sold. Yes, we did refer to the contract, the same standard contract that is used for all apartment rentals – and discovered that the estate agent had removed the section that gave us any recourse at all. No surprises that the owner was working in collusion with the agent, and that the victim was a stupid laowai.

Well, I’m going to skip through the next few days, because the point of the story is that we found another place nearby, and moved in. There’s not a lot of point in letting you know that every estate agent in the area had been made aware of our situation and tried to fuck us over, nor is there any point in going on about the fact that prices in the area suddenly went up overnight. Suffice to say, we found a place, got moved in, and that was that.

That was about a year ago.

Last week, we got a call from our current landlord. She asked whether we were happy, to which we replied that yes, we were very happy. Did we want to sign for another years rental? Oh yes, we replied, we like this place. Good, she said, in that case the rent goes up 40%.

Forty Percent?

So now we’re looking for a new place again, and I’m wondering why it always happens this way? For the longest time I thought it was merely the absurdly greedy and desperate desire that these mongrels all seem to have to be rich before lunch, without actually doing any work, or even getting out of bed in many cases. That, I knew was true. My landlady had certainly lost some money investing gambling in the stock market recently, and obviously wanted to recoup her losses from a stupid and rich laowai – no shocks there, either. But, I found myself wondering, is that it? Can that really be all there is to it? The the truth hit me – the reason that Chinese all try so hard to fuck us up at this time every year, is that they hate Christmas. Don’t believe me? Here’s why:

Ten Reasons Why The Chinese Hate Christmas

10. The Grinch was Chinese. He only lost because of a Conspiracy Against China.

9. If Rudolph & Co. flew over Chinese airspace, they’d be shot down.

8. Christmas is a time of goodwill to all men – Chinese never got that concept.

7. Christmas is a time for giving, not petty theft.

6. Chinese homes don’t have chimneys. Or fireplaces. Or heating. Or insulation.

5. There are no Christmas Trees in China – they’ve all been either cut down or killed by air and water pollution.

4. When an old Chinese man asks little children to sit on his knee and tell him what they want, it means he’s a paedophile.

3. Red is the colour of bloody revolution, not the clothing of fat, jolly, old men.

2. The angel on the tree doesn’t have the approval of the State Religious Affairs Bureau, in accordance with Order Number Five, and is therefore officially “illegal and invalid“. A bit like reincarnated Buddhists.

And finally, the Number One reason why Chinese hate Christmas:

1. Although lovable Santa Claus has the same Body Mass Index as dictator Mao Zedong, he doesn’t have anything like the same body odour, possibly because Santa Claus is on record as having had a bath more than once during his entire life, and Mao Zedong is on record as never having bathed, ever. The Chinese love Stinky Dictators.

Posted in China | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »