Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘China’ Category

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »

Chinatomy 101

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 24, 2009

By now, some of you may have heard the rumours that MyLaowai is soon to release a book. I certainly hope you’ve heard the rumours, because I’ve been working hard to spread them all over the parish. What you may not know, however, is that the deal is for three books.

The first is to be a children’s book (but probably to lead into a series), suitable for a reading age of 3-5 years. That makes it about right for most college graduates here in China.

The second is to be a scientific study of Chinese society and patterns of social behaviour. It is concerned with social structures and processes, and you can be sure that it will be chock-full of facts and hard, scientific data. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes required reading in forward-thinking universities throughout the world.

The third book gave us some trouble. The publisher demanded a third book, you see, and we didn’t have much to offer that didn’t involve a lot of actual work. I’m dead-set against work, and the girls are all busy doing their nails. Well, we here at MLHQ made the decision last month to write a book for visitors to China, a bit like the kind of thing bird-watchers have. You know the sort of thing I mean: lot’s of pictures of the different kinds of varieties you’d expect to see, descriptions of the habitat, all that sort of gumpf. The idea is that you take this book with you, and when you spot one of the specimens, you tick it off. This particular book specialises in inbreeding deformities of the most amazing kind.

I’ve written before about some of the weird and wonderful birth defects to be found in China, and today we were able to add two more specimens to the list. Look for them in the book. There was the girl, normal in most respects and rather pretty as well, who had Big Spock-Ear Syndrome. I felt a bit sorry for the lass, actually. Perhaps she tells boys she is a pixie or an elf or something. The second rare specimen was more disturbing, for it was nothing less than a middle aged woman with testicles growing from her armpits!

Sweet Jesus the Jew! How is such a thing even possible? How many genes have to be scrambled for a middle aged woman to have testicles growing from her armpits! I went straight home and delved at once into my medical textbooks. Sure enough, I found this very scientific picture:

090824 anatomy

The scientific words under the picture said that this was either a rare genetic mutation caused by severe inbreeding over five thousand years, or alternatively as a result of being Victoria Beckham. Honestly folks, I don’t know which one is worse. Either is a terrifying prospect.

At any rate, she’ll go nicely between the One Legged Man (with three feet at the end of his one leg), and the Oddly Breasted Munchkin.

What a wonderfully entertaining world we live in, eh?

Posted in China | 13 Comments »

On A Positive Note…

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 19, 2009

On a positive note, when people in the neighbouring building choose to engage in acts of the most appalling sexual depravity, my pair of 15×70 binoculars are quite capable of picking up every detail. I shall be installing a recording function at the earliest possible opportunity.

Note: If the animal gives it’s consent, the act is legal in China.

Posted in China | 13 Comments »

Which China Are YOU Dealing With?

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 13, 2009

There was a very good Op-Ed piece in the Sydney Morning Herald the other day, by a bloke named Peter Hartcher. You can find it here. In it, he talks about China’s behaviour towards Australia of late. He’s right with everything he says.

But here’s the bit that gives me the screaming heebies – his last paragraph reads:

“This is a powerful wake-up call for Australia. The China we must live with is not the China we thought we were dealing with.”

I’m sorry, Mister Hartcher, but just exactly which China did you (and the rest of the world) think you were dealing with last year? Obviously not the China that keeps millions of people imprisoned without trial in slave labour camps – the infamous Laogai. Clearly not the China that exports the industrial output of those same slave labour camps at such low and attractive prices. I’m sure it wasn’t the same China that is the worlds largest exporter of collagen (used in lipsticks and other cosmetics), the same collagen that is taken from human skin torn from the bodies of still-living political prisoners. And not the same China that then uses the organs from those same prisoners to turn a healthy profit. Hopefully not the same China that worships that man who murdered more than a hundred and twenty million of his own people.

Was it the China that has the world’s largest standing army? The one with a track record of having invaded virtually every single neighbour in the last sixty years? The one that annexed three neighbouring countries and has since proceeded to nearly exterminate their native peoples? The one with an ambitious nuclear weapons program (and a publicly stated desire to use those weapons against the West)? The one with the world’s largest military manned space program? The one with territorial claims on Taiwan, South Korea, Japan, India, Vietnam, the Philippines, Hawaii, New Zealand and Australia? Is that the China you were referring to? Surely not.

Or, how about the China the prides itself on prohibiting you from selling ninety nine percent of your products there? The China that, in turn, exports to you poisonous food, dangerous children’s toys, exploding tyres, lethal dairy products, and tainted animal feed. The China that welcomes foreign investment under the condition that it gets to steal your trade secrets and then kicks you out on your ear. That China, perhaps? No?

I’m confused, Mister Hartcher. Which China did you think you were dealing with?

Posted in China, Media | 4 Comments »

Help!

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I’ve got nothing to say. Which is to say, I’ve plenty to say [about China amongst other things], but everything I want to say means I have to think about it in some depth, and that’s as depressing as all Hell. Ye Gods, this place is a depressing wasteland in more ways than most people can comprehend [I do not include those of you who actually ‘live’ here, of course].

China: 5,000 years and still developing.

Guest post required to fill the gap…

Posted in China | 20 Comments »

Could YOU be a CCP Official?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, July 27, 2009

The recent examinations are over, and now three quarters of a million young men and women are anxiously waiting to hear whether they have been accepted for this years intake into the Chinese Imperial Service.

It’s a big deal: no other position on Earth offers the same opportunities for graft and corruption, no other nation in history has endowed it’s officials with such vast powers over the lives of mere mortals, and no other job in existence is as financially rewarding for what amounts to virtually no work whatsoever. Imagine it – all you have to do is lick the brown star of your superiors and hail the red star of your Party, and in return the world is the mollusc of your choice, the masses forced to cater to your every whim for the rest of their worthless and miserable lives. It’s really no wonder the competition is so tough.

But not everybody is cut out to be a Chinese Communist Party Official. The slightest hint of moral compunction, for instance, would rule you out on the spot, thus denying any foreigner the opportunity. And many Chinese, for whom morality is a alien concept, are still disqualified by the fact that they do not have the right connections. In China, it isn’t who you know, it’s who you blow.

So, do YOU have the right stuff? Do YOU have what it takes to be an Official of the Empire? Take this simple test to find out…

Could YOU be a CCP Official?

1. A coal mine that you privately own suffers a collapse, burying nearly six hundred miners. Many are believed to still be alive, trapped in a small air pocket. What do you do?

a. Mobilise every man, woman and child! We must save every miner! When we have time, conduct an intensive and exhaustive review on mine safety, and get me a pick axe – I’m going in myself!

b. Mobilise every man, woman and child! I don’t really know what for, but it will look good if my superiors find out about this disaster!

c. Mobilise every man, woman and child! Every moment that pit stays closed I lose money! Bring slave labour from the nearest camp to help with the effort, and have these pesky reporters taken out back and shot!

*

2. A recent audit has found evidence of serious irregularities in your county books. What do you do?

a. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and begin your own investigations.

b. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and decide quickly which of your underlings you must sacrifice.

c. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and decide quickly which of your underlings you must sacrifice. If any have beautiful wives, this could also be the perfect opportunity to force them into having sex with you, for the sake of their husband and children.

*

3. A real estate development in your district has suffered a building collapse. It’s going to be hard to hide the fact, as photos are all over the internet and the international media has picked up the story. What do you say?

a. “This is indeed a tragedy. I am saddened by the terrible loss of life, and I promise an independent investigation at once.”

b. “This is indeed a tragedy. I stood to make a large profit on that development, and now it appears as though the project will have to be put on hold, at least until such time as we can find more workers.”

c. “This is indeed a tragedy. Foreign forces and splittist elements have conspired to hurt the feeling of the Chinese people. Dalai and Rebiya Kadeer will not succeed against the historical facts. Harmonious nature is our Chinese way and China has always been a peaceful country since ancient times. Also, I stood to make a large profit on that development, and now it appears as though the project will have to be put on hold, at least until such time as we can find more workers.”

*

4. Central Government is demanding steel production be set to double within the year, most of the increase coming through backyard steel furnaces. What do you do?

a. We must serve the people! Hire foreign experts and invest in new technology in order to meet our quota.

b. We must serve the people! The masses should mobilise to work as hard as possible, in order to produce as much steel as possible, before the rice harvest is due.

b. We must serve the people! Huge efforts on the part of peasants and other workers must be made to produce steel out of scrap metal. To fuel the furnaces the local environment must be denuded of trees and wood taken from the doors and furniture of peasants’ houses. Pots, pans, and other metal items must be requisitioned to supply the scrap for the furnaces, so that the wildly optimistic production targets can be met. Farmers and workers at factories, schools and even hospitals will be diverted to help.

*

5. At a Press Conference, you are asked about internet censorship. This is a tricky one – how do you respond?

a. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. I support a program of educating parents and the young, and trust that the people themselves will be wise enough to know what is right for them.”

b. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. Development and administration of Internet culture must stick to the direction of socialist advanced culture, adhere to correct propaganda guidance, and Internet cultural units must conscientiously take on the responsibility of encouraging development of a system of core socialist values.”

c. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. International claims that our country tramples Internet and media freedoms stem from a cultural misunderstanding of the role the press plays in Chinese society, where news media must work with the government. Chinese websites offer probably the freest forum for opinion in the world. Web sites should only republish information from the Xinhua News Agency, and should not open forums, blogs and interactive columns to discuss this.”

*

How did you score?

Mostly a’s. I hope you like coal, you’ll be digging plenty of it! You are a soft and weak! Bloody and damn! Send you to Laogai at once!

Mostly b’s. I hope you like rice, you’re going to the countryside to learn correct Socialist Values! You’re getting there, young grasshopper, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Mostly c’s. I hope you like power, for you are ready to abuse it! Serve the Party, screw the people, eh comrade?

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China | 13 Comments »

A Valuable Lesson

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, July 27, 2009

If you are a student on your summer break, and you are currently nursing a bruised rib or two, then it is entirely possible that you are the young man who today learned a valuable lesson.

That lesson, of course, is that a scummy peasant ought not shout abuse at a laowai, particularly when said laowai is standing within striking distance

Posted in China | 19 Comments »

Corruption? Bribery? Judicial Independance?

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 24, 2009

The Chinese Communist Party, under the leadership of Chairman Hu Jintao, is warning Australia to keep out of China’s ‘internal affairs’ in the case of the Rio Tinto employess who are being held hostage for political reasons. China Daily, the Party mouthpiece, has had the following headlines recently:

Australia urged to treat Rio Tinto spy case ‘properly’

China urges Australia to respect judicial sovereignty

Australia urged to respect judicial sovereignty in Rio case

It seems the Chinese take a dim view of bribery and corruption, and want to be seen to be taking a hard stance. Strange, therefore, that all news of the Nuctech case is being blocked.

Wait, Nuctech? What’s that?

Chinese Govt. mum on $3.7 million fraud
THE Chinese Embassy has declined to comment on the $3.7 million X-Ray equipment fraud involving Chinese manufacturer Nuctech Company, despite the fact that it is headed by Hu Haifeng, the 38-year old son of Chinese President Hu Jintao.

The official spokesperson of the Chinese Embassy in Windhoek, who preferred to be named only as Mr. Yang told [the press] that the embassy was not prepared to say more than: “We will take the necessary steps.”

The charges are connected to a contract for the supply of security scanners to the Ministry of Finance. It was awarded to a Chinese company, Nuctech Company, and was marred by alleged corruption and the payment of kickbacks to the tune of as much as a third of the contract price of some $3.7 million.

Search engines in China, including Google Inc.’s local site, are blocking news on a graft case in Namibia involving a company once headed by the son of President Hu Jintao.

Hu Haifeng is the former president of Beijing-based Nuctech Co., a maker of security scanners involved in a corruption probe in Namibia.  Investigators want to talk to him to get information about the company.

A search on Google’s Chinese Web site using the characters for “Hu Haifeng” and “Namibia” results in the following message in Chinese: “The search results may involve material that may not be in accordance with relevant laws and regulations, unable to display.”

The restrictions show the extent to which the government is working to contain news of the case, which may embarrass President Hu as he cracks down on official corruption. A Beijing court this month gave a suspended death sentence for bribery to Chen Tonghai, former chairman of China Petroleum & Chemical Corp., Asia’s largest refiner.

“Google’s operations in all countries worldwide must comply with local laws, regulations and policies,” said Marsha Wang, a Beijing-based spokeswoman for the company. Because of that, “some search results are not shown.”

MyLaowai calls on the Chinese Government to treat the Nuctech case properly, and to respect Namibia’s judicial independance. Oh yeah, and hand over Hu Jintao’s grubby-fingered boy at once.

Corruption in the Hu family? Like father, like son…

Posted in Censorship, China, ChinaDaily, Corruption, Human Rights, Media | 15 Comments »

The Masque of Augurs and the Two Dancing Bears

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Some say that the Chinese Olympic Swimming Team has taken to wearing executioner masks,
in order to remind themselves of the penalty for failure.

Others say that the legendary Chinese fear of sunlight is now out of control on the beaches of the nation,
and that vampires and were-beasts have begun roaming the Land openly.

All we know, is that this photo was taken in Qingdao.

swimsuit

[Camel Toes An Optional Extra.]

Posted in China, Olympics, You're Joking? | 60 Comments »

How To Influence People Without Winning Friends

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 9, 2009

There’s this big company – let’s call it Company R – that produces a product a certain country needs to build things, including weapons and military infrastructure. Other companies also produce the product, but Company R is one of the biggest and the best.

Due to a temporary fall in the share price of Company R, the ‘Government’ of this country quietly puts up the cash for a domestic competitor to buy a large, controlling, stake in Company R. However, the domestic competitor and the ‘Government’ take months arguing and complaining and trying to squeeze Company R for every concession they can get.

Eventually, the share price of Company R increases back to the point at which it makes no commercial sense to go forward with the deal, and Company R’s investors call the whole thing off. They do, however, pay the foreign competitor (and thus the foreign ‘Government’) a very generous sum of cash in order to soften the blow.

Company R subsequently announces a 33% price cut in it’s products for the markets in Japan, South Korea, and the un-named country mentioned above.

The so-called ‘industry’ of the above-mentioned country, which is in reality the so-called ‘Government’, refuses to pay the same amount that Japanese and South Koreans pay, claiming that they deserve a better price. Why this should be is not clarified.

Company R sends it’s negotiating team to a major city in the foreign country, in order to straighten things out. They offer a generous compromise, setting the contract duration at just half of what Japanese and South Korean customers must commit to, and offering as well to sell their product at the daily rate set by the markets – whichever is cheaper.

The self-proclaimed ‘Government’ of the afore-mentioned country then sends in the security forces to kick down the door, arrest the negotiating team, ransack their local office, steal their computers and sensitive commercial data, and pack the victims – who are now hostages – off to a remote prison cell.
.
.
.
This is a perfect example of why it does not pay to negotiate with terrorists.

Posted in China, Human Rights | 16 Comments »

A Bit Of Perspective, Please?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, July 8, 2009

On the 1st of September 1939, the Nazi’s invaded and subsequently annexed Poland. In April 1940 the Nazi’s were at it again, invading Denmark and Norway. In May, France and the Low Countries were invaded.

In each case, the Nazi’s were successful, defeating their victims and then launching crackdowns and pogroms that eventually led to the deaths of millions.

The Free World went to war on behalf of the victims of Nazi oppression, and supported materially the various resistance groups who were fighting the Nazi scourge from within. It was not an easy thing to do, but it was the right thing to do, and the end result was that the Nazi’s were defeated, the peoples they had subjugated were liberated, and the world was made a better place.

It’s a terrible story with a happy ending, but here’s another, similar, story for you to consider:

In 1949 the Chinese Communist Party seized power from the legal government of China, and the dictator Mao Zedong immediately ordered the invasion and subsequent annexation of China’s culturally superior but militarily weak neighbours East Turkestan (or what later came to be known as Xinjiang, meaning New Frontier) and Mongolia. The following year, the Red Army was at it again, invading Tibet, and carving it up into several provinces, each of which was to become a part of New China.

In each case, the Communists were successful, defeating their victims and then launching crackdowns and pogroms that eventually led to the deaths of millions.

The Free World, tired from WWII and busy fighting to keep the Chinese from over-running and occupying the Korean Peninsula, did nothing.

And thus it was that the various resistance groups fighting the CCP scourge received little or no support and the peoples of these occupied nations were never freed from the tyranny of Communist Occupation.

There’s been a lot of talk in the media recently about how violence is bad and how all sides should be nice to one another and about how innocent people are being hurt. But here’s a thought for you: How would you feel if your nation had been invaded by brutal, murderous thugs? How would you feel if your new colonial masters set about systematically destroying your livelihood, banning you from practising your religion, taking apart your temples and churches, imprisoning your political and spiritual leaders, conducting mass sterilisations of your womenfolk, flooding your country with settlers, banning you from speaking your language and denying work to you if you tried? How would you feel if your nation’s ancient cities were bulldozed to make way for concrete accommodation blocks for the new settlers, while you were relegated to the countryside? How would you feel if, instead of this occupation lasting a mere six years, as it did in Nazi Europe, it had lasted sixty years and there was still no end in sight, and no sign at all of anything getting any better?

Would it be fair to say that you would continue turning the other cheek, and simply accept it? Or would it perhaps be more accurate to suggest that you might feel that you were entitled to strike back?

I challenge you to name a single example in human history, where an occupied nation was freed without the use of force of some kind.

These ‘rioters’ are nothing of the sort. They are freedom fighters, and they are heroes. And we in the Free World have let them down, badly. I for one applaud their bravery, their courage, and their spirit, and though I do not see how they can win freedom by this or indeed any course of action at all, I admire them for trying. It is, after all, better to die standing than to live on your knees, at least according to Emiliano Zapata.

Please feel free to disagree with me on this. But don’t bother bleating your whiney platitudes here, unless you actually have some experience of having seen your family, your culture, and your nation subjugated by a brutal totalitarian regime. For all you pink-spectacled tossers, why not go somewhere else where you can wring your hands about the wrong group of people being democratically elected in Iran?

If you are Han and wish to make a complaint, please write to GloriousMotherland@Lies4U.com

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Human Rights, Media | 47 Comments »

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »