A Classic Fairytale with Harmonious Chinese Characteristics.

by DaBizzare

Once upon a time, about 10 days ago, lived a little girl called Sootilocks. She was a very good little girl and did her homework 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Every 3 years her school would give her a day off, and this year she decided she would be the filial granddaughter and visit her grandma. On the way, she got lost, and being tired and hungry, she went into a nearby apartment. There was no-one home, but there was some delicious food on the table: excrement-stuffed cardboard buns called baozi, and to her, they were delicious.

There were three plates. She tried the first one, it was too hot. She tried the second one, it was too cold. She tried the third one, it tasted like crap, but she ate all three anyway because she was a filial confuscian.

Her legs were tired, so she wanted to sit down, and she saw three chairs. The first one was too big. The second one was too small. The third one had nails sticking into her bottom, but she hardly noticed as she was used to the local quality standards.

Then she wanted to have a sleep, so she went looking for beds. The first one was too hard. The second one was even harder. The third one was even harder again, but she went to sleep like a good little girl because that was what was always expected of her, and she was, if nothing else, the filial student.

While she was asleep, the occupants of the 60 square meter apartment returned: Daddy Monkey, Mommy Monkey and Baby Monkey. Daddy Monkey said “Someone has been eaten my baozi and spat on the table.” Mommy Monkey said “Someone was eaten my baozi, and sneezed on the table.” Baby Monkey said “Someone ated my baozi, and they ated it all up.” Grammar was not a strong point in this household.

Then Daddy saw his chair. “Someone has been sat in my chair.”. Mommy said “Someone was sat in my chair.” Baby said “Someone was satted in my chair, and blooded all over it!”

Then the three monkeys went to go to bed. “Someone has been slept in my bed” said Daddy Monkey. “Someone sleepered in my bed too” said Mommy Monkey. “Someone slepted in my bed, AND THEY ARE YET THERE!!!” cried Baby Monkey.

The three Monkeys cooked Sootilocks and made delicious baozi from her that they sold to their neighbours for many weeks.

THE END

How to be a Great Chinese Mechanic

So you want to be a great Chinese mechanic? Your dream is easier than you can imagine. In just a few short paragraphs I will educate you in the way of motorcycle repair in China and set you on the way to a career of inflicting frustration and despair on anyone that is suckered into your shop, while ridiculously over-billing them for shoddy work. The good news is you’re almost halfway towards the goal already! Just answer these 3 simple questions:

1) Are you a Chinese man?
2) Do you like to get involved in activities that you don’t understand?
3) Do you own a hammer?

If you answered “yes” to those 3, you’re well on the way! Why, you’re practically already a mechanic, you just need a filthy, grease stained patch of dirt to work on and you can start ruining people’s machinery. But keep reading and let me show you the path to mechanical greatness.

“But wait”, you whine in your plaintive, weedy voice, “I really don’t know anything about fixing motorcycles, I’m hardly able to identify the gas tank 2 times out of 3…” Don’t fret little man, let me introduce the concept of “job shopping” to make your career problem free.

Job shopping is when a customer brings in a machine you’re not familiar with or asks for a repair you don’t understand, like replacing a lightbulb. Your first task is to assure the customer that you can handle this repair, it’s no trouble at all and you have every confidence it can be done in a few hours. Do your best to wrangle some money from the customer “to buy parts” and set a good fat price for completion; plead poverty, duress and how difficult the job will be, squeeze him like a grape. Then, once the customer is out of sight, find someone that can actually do the job; maybe a bigger shop down the road? Maybe your drunken uncle? Maybe a random member of the idle crowd loitering about your shop? Whoever, it really doesn’t matter. Get a firm price from them and negotiate mercilessly, every RMB they get is basically stealing from you, so fight hard. They don’t have to do a good job, assure them that the customer will never meet them, so they can just rush through it with used parts and it won’t matter. Get the repairs done and get the bike back to the customer. It’s best if you drop it off, so he won’t have time to check it over before you disappear. Get the money from him and beat feet. When the shoddy work falls apart in a day and if the customer comes back to you, plead ignorance, it isn’t your fault the other guy did a crap job. Job shopping is the express train to success!

The thing to remember to be truly great is that your time is worthless. Of course, as a Chinese man, any time not spent drunk or in the company of underage whores is just wasted, and if you’re at your “garage” you’re basically just hanging out and killing time. Since you can’t bill the customer for labor, the only way to make money in the mechanic game is to charge inflated prices for parts. So if a customer comes in with a blown head gasket, fuck that guy. It’s 2 hours of labor for a RMB$5 part. But a customer with a blown starter is money in the bank! Starters take all of 5 minutes to change and you can charge what you want, once his bike is in pieces. The best part is that you can rewind an old starter and slap that in, no need to buy a new one, but make sure you charge like it’s made of gold and blessed by GuanYin. Sure the replacement starter will fail in a week, but who cares? The customer will be long gone by then. And if he isn’t, it’s a chance to upsell him on a new starter!

A good mechanic repairs a motorcycle once, a great mechanic can make a career of repairing the same bike once, over a period of months. The secret is to screw up something that will make the bike come back later. The best way is to use the secret Shaolin mechanic technique known as “Chinklok”. When something needs to be tightened, a nut or bolt, stupid Western mechanics will just tighten it, maybe they’ll put some bizarre goop called Threadlok or a lockwasher on it to stop it from falling off. But that’s hardly the way of the great Chinese mechanic! Where’s the job security in that? No, the Chinese way is to tighten it until it just feels snug, then give it 3 quick turns. This strips the threads and guarantees it’ll fall off in a few days. Even if the bike doesn’t come back to you, it’ll have to go to another mechanic. When we all work together like this, we all profit. So don’t forget to Chinklok all the nuts and bolts!

Tools are an important part of being a great mechanic and you should treat them right. The instant you’re done with a particular tool, open your hand and let it fall to the filthy floor. There’s nothing more satisfying then hearing the “clang” of a precision instrument bouncing off a delicate part. That’s the sound of job security, as it’s hardly your fault the customers stupid carburator was under your hammer. More parts = more money!

It may be that a motorcycle comes to your shop that looks like it might be a challenge. Maybe a foreigner pushes his bike to your door, maybe it comes in on the bed of a tractor. This spells trouble! Foreigners are bad news, they expect repairs to last more than 20 minutes and their mechanic to not be a lying sack of shit. As a Chinese mechanic, that’s impossible. Better to brush him off and send him elsewhere. Try not looking at him while waving your fat little hand in his general direction. Don’t speak to him, just look away and grunt. If he insists on you working on the bike (maybe by bad luck you’re the only shop in 40km) tell him you’ve never seen one like it and can’t promise anything (even if it is identical to every other bike you have ever seen). Try to convince him that what he’s asking for is either a) totally trivial and not necessary or b) impossibly difficult and beyond the ken of man. Best is to claim both things at once, that should discourage him enough to go elsewhere.

So now you’re on the path to greatness! Remember: job shop, re-use parts, Chinklok and refuse anything difficult. Soon you’ll be known as a great Chinese mechanic!

The Year of the Cow passed, but now…

Stampede Prompts Safety Calls
(http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2013-02/28/content_16262453.htm)
1/3/13 By WANG XIAODONG and JIN ZHU ( China Daily)

Redux: at 6am, the school kiddies (at an elementary school) needed to get their shit together for another long, arduous school day. They were locked in. Of course, because the gates are locked every night for their safety. We tell prisoners the same thing too. A handful died in the panic, another handful injured. Good start, shame there weren’t more eh? One-Child Policy enforcers would be happy to see this more often… Maybe then families could have more babies, so that they too could live short-assed lives…

Unfortunately, the d00d in charge forgot to open the door in the morning. Pissed? Whoring? Who knows, but certainly not discharging his duties. Pretty standard in the PRC actually…

Not only did the dumb shits who didn’t wake up cop any shit, but their boss didn’t either. Hey bosses, instead of drinking MaoTai with your peers, how about giving a fuck about your charges? NO. That will NEVER happen. Me first. Friends second. My work? Like, am I supposed to give a fuck? What the?

Now. The real problem. The gate was closed. Ok, a small problem. What was the real cause of the deaths? Chinese dumb-assed bitches want to climb to the top. Elbows. Knees. Push. Shove. Fight. Fuck you! etc. If they weren’t Chinese, they wouldn’t have died.

Forget targeting the politicians or leaders. How about you target your shit-assed culture. Stop shoving your way to the front, regardless of who is in the road. You only have your culture to blame, you buck-teethed, short-dicked morons. Yes yes – I watch you try to cross the road against the red light every day. No, I do not cry, when someone, just like you, RUNS YOU THE FUCK OVER.

“Similar accidents keep happening, exposing the deficiency in infrastructure and management in many schools,” a netizen wrote. No, you dickless wonders. It exposes a massive deficiency in your morals.

Go back and study Confucius a little more. Oh, you did. Ok, now stop repeating his lines and UNDERSTAND what he was saying. Ah, you can’t, you can only mouth the words, not actually do it. Welcome to China. And here is where it gets weird.

They blame the poor old teachers for their omnipresent cultural SHIT. “If teachers fail to maintain order, such accidents will be repeated”. No, you moronic cockroaches. If you Chinese keep failing to give a shit about the person next to you, this shit will happen every day, and does. It’s not the teachers, it’s the students’ dumb-assed mother-fucking parents and relatives who keep shoving themselves in front of anyone they can, that cause the problem.

Simple answer here: Learn some manners you uncivilised barbarian apes. oh shit me – that’s what you think of foreigners. Well, shit me sideways dickwads, is there a stampede in America killing students? No, just some poor-aiming shithead with an automatic weapon thinking it’s a perfectly good masturbatory replacement.

“School authorities should launch routine checks of security facilities, such as stair rails and lights, to eliminate potential hazards,”

HAHAHHAAHA. Yes, we have stairs, Yes, I could walk up and down them – but SO COULD A PEDAPHILIC RAPIST

It gets better – Let’s read on:

“Last year, the Ministry of Education urged all elementary and secondary schools across China to educate students on how to respond in an emergency to better protect themselves.
The schools were asked to map out their safe evacuation routes, taking into consideration the number of students, building layout and corridor width, the ministry said.”
That is all well and good, but did anyone ask them to map out where the fuck to go when their ‘uncle’ was too busy screwing a cheap whore to come and open the goddamn prison gate that keeps them locked in?

1.6 billion people and falling. Can’t fall quick enough for our liking.

– Da Bizzare

Disclaimer: The author of this article offered to write it in exchange for being allowed to include links to an outside organisation. MyLaowai has no connection of any kind with the organisation linked to in this article, and does not receive any financial incentives from anyone for publishing this article.

When it comes to parenting everyone seems to have their own opinion on how to raise happy, well-adjusted children; however, there has been a great deal of research regarding the effects that various types of parenting can have on children, especially as they enter their teenage years. While none of these approaches is going to guarantee a particular outcome, there are specific characteristics of authoritarian parenting that can be detrimental to the parent-child bond as well as the behavior of the child.

One type of parenting that is practiced frequently in Asian cultures is authoritative. For example, in China children are typically raised in an authoritarian home and are expected to work hard and follow the rules. Of course, this is in a culture that is completely different from what US children are accustomed to, so the effects on the child can be quite different. Chinese children often excel under this strict discipline and parenting style; however, in the US where more permissive parenting is the norm, overly strict parenting often brings about troubled teens that are rebellious and difficult to control.

Studies have shown that children raised by authoritarian parents are often more rebellious than children raised in more lenient homes. The authoritarian parents often believe that they are the ultimate authority in their home and that the children need to conform to their rules. Unfortunately, not allowing children the ability to make some decisions on their own generally results in poor self-esteem as well as poor performance both academically as well as behaviorally.

Children who are raised in a harsh environment where strict parenting is pervasive often rebel as a way of establishing their own identity. It is natural for children to want to establish themselves as unique individuals, especially as they approach their teenage years. Unfortunately, rigid parenting styles undermine the ability of a child to internalize self-discipline and responsibility. It can also lead to depression and aggressive behavior.

Fortunately, there is a reasonable solution for parents looking to find a parenting style that allows children to learn discipline and accept responsibility without having to break them down and create a negative environment for the entire family. A more permissive, yet functional parenting style is authoritative. This style is often considered the best method by child development experts. The authoritative parent sets boundaries, but listens to their children and creates a loving home environment that can help the child navigate the difficult teenage years.

Raising children is not easy, but understanding how various types of discipline and parenting styles can affect a troubled teen is an important part of parenting. Fortunately, there is always help available for troubled teens and learning how to recognize when need help is an important factor in helping them grow into a responsible adult.

References:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/strict-parenting
http://www.parentingscience.com/chinese-parenting.html

What drives many people crazy is the persistent Chinese insistence that Chinese people are so very different from the rest of the world. You’d think with 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears etc, it would be obvious we share more in common than we have differences…

The problem here is … that they are right. But for all the wrong reasons.

Western people don’t blame the closest Chinese person for any little problem that occurs in the presence of a Chinese person and then scream blue murder for thousands of dollars in compensation.

Western people don’t spit, shit and piss EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE.

Western restaurants don’t need a smiley face to remind you its moderately safe to eat here. They also don’t try to serve you dog claiming it’s beef.

Western beer is drinkable.

Westerners can walk, drive and ride in a straight line, and generally use indicators at times other than warning lights on for ostentatious wedding parades, and horns as something that doesn’t resemble a sonic boom.

Western managers know how to delegate.

Westerners don’t blatantly ripoff and duplicate every idea and product that comes their way. Hi weibo – nice of the government to block twitter for you etc

Westerners can dance something more than a 2-step.

Westerners don’t have to scream at each other – whether in business negotiations, household disputes, dining conversations or just a simple phone call to friends.

Westerners don’t call other nationalities “foreigners” as a term of greeting.

Westerners don’t give a fuck if you’ve eaten or not. It’s 3am guy, why the fuck are you asking me if I have eaten? Just say hello you idiot.

Western police actually attempt to find clues at the scene of a crime.

Western babies wear diaper’s and dog owners pick up their dog’s shit. Here’s a little clue Zhongguo ren… SHIT STINKS – WE DON’T WANT TO SEE IT. Dispose of trash thoughtfully for a more harmonious society.

Westerners don’t litter like it’s their profession. The sidewalk / nature reserve is NOT your rubbish bin you filthy yellow bastards.

Et cetera ad nauseum. There’s plenty more, like the status of women in society, but quite frankly, I have to agree: Chinese are animals and maybe one day, with another few thousand years of harmonious growth, may enter the species of Homo Sapiens.

– Da Bizzare

Amid the flurry of activity from other countries laying claim to the vast reserves of the Arctic, no-one has noticed China’s claim.

Around the 15th Century, China of course not only circumnavigated the pole, on a daring sea journey led by famous explorer Po La, whose name was later used to name this area, but also settled there. The Eskimos are direct descendants of these Chinese. Have a close look. Flat faces, flat noses, dark yellow skin, black hair and eyes… and adhere to the belief that Budweiser is a great beer.

So, once this claim hits the court, it will be the first time since Mongolia was ceded that China will have territorial disputes to the North, South, East and West. Pesky Ruskies haven’t been pulling their weight in the ancient game of “Let’s see who can slap the sleeping giant the hardest with no retribution”.

More’s the pity.

Living in China presents unique challenges. For me, one of those challenges is reading China Daily without dying of laughter.

Seriously, reading any media is always an exercise of filter the propaganda, read between the lines etc. But China Daily? OMG. Plagiarism, lies that stink to heaven and back, bald-faced propaganda and… shit that they say that they simply don’t realize us ‘cultured educated folk’ (yes, yes I know you avid xenophobes, we are the barbarians and you are the cultured race – HA!) look at this shit and laugh.

Today, right now, this is too much.

The article starts with “A photo of a good-looking flatbread maker has created a frenzy on China’s twitter-like Weibo service, catapulting the figure – a 22-year-old Xinjiang native – to overnight fame.”

Wow. Food for thought

IT GETS BETTER KIDDIES!!! Let’s read another article:

China’s high-speed rail better than Shinkansen.
A spokesman of the Ministry of Railways (MOR) said Thursday that China’s high-speed rail technologies are much better than those used by Japan’s Shinkansen Line. The remarks by the MOR spokesman, Wang Yongping, came after Japanese company Kawasaki Heavy Industries Ltd. threatened to take action if China files for patents on high-speed trains made using Japanese technologies. “The Beijing-Shanghai high-speed railway and Japan’s Shinkansen line cannot be mentioned in the same breath, as many of the technological indicators used by China’s high-speed railways are far better than those used in Japan’s Shinkansen,” Wang said, rejecting the Japanese accusation of pirating. “We Chinese will not claim technologies owned by others as our own. And we will never give up our rights to file patent applications for innovations developed through our efforts and wisdom because of others’ irresponsible remarks,” he said.

Let’s take a deep breath, well, everyone except the KTV girls servicing the government officials: it’s difficult to draw a breath when you… let’s leave that thought alone huh? Toothpicks tickling your throat are always annoying.

High speed rail? Where DID that come from China? Oh yes. That’s right. Other countries (let’s not mention any names like GERMANY shall we) offered to build you an example, and in return you would consider taking on their engineering services. What did you do China? R&D, yes. Ripoff And Duplicate.

Nuclear reactors? Oh shit guys. Canada. Remember them? They built your first reactors for you on the premise you would buy Canadian uranium. What did you do? “3q wery much. We now copy them and buy Australian Uranium.”

Should I go on? Like how Baidu is the biggest infringer of IP in the world, and is an SOE?

No, let’s return to that original article. To quote again: “…on China’s Twitter-like Weibo service”

Why is it that Twitter, Facebook, Google Maps etc are under attack (and blocked by the Great Firewall) in China? Here is a simplified version of the government dialogs: “Shit, these pricks make money. Hey, let’s ban such things unless they a) have a license they have paid a crapload for and have agreed to the next point; b) cede total censorism to us; c) are owned by Chinese”

This wouldn’t be a good rant unless I circularly returned to the original statement:

“The case of a John Doe coming under the spotlight occurs on an irregular basis in China, as netizens develop an interest in hyping up the ordinary”

Oh dear. Someone please book me a hernia repair operation. Irregular? Yeah, only a few times every year. Brother Sharp. Lotus Little Sister. Etc. Why? Well, if you study the word gossip, you will find that people with no lives take extraordinary interest in people with unusual lives.

China. A country of people with no life, no creativity, and an atavistic love of fucking everyone else over at any cost. Welcome! Come here! NOT